| A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes: This might a little long and at some point nonsensical...This is the first time i ever write what's really on my mind and it's also the first time i express myself honestly and with no strings attached. I should mention however that i am not a US citizen... i am from Europe..eastern Europe(although location has nothing to do with it actually). I was searching for an 'advice site' when this has pop-up. I really need a place where i can say what's on my mind and i really need a place where i can talk..and hopefully somebody would listen and care enough to give a couple of advices. I need advice for my life, cause lately i seem to have lost any and every hope i would have ever had. I simply seem to have reached this dead-end and i can't seem to find a way out. I would like to introduce myself to you(whoever you might be) as well as my situation, cause it seems here it is the only place where i can have a voice and where i can be myself. I am a young girl, soon to be 20. I was born in a very modest family (some like to use the word 'poor'),but truly that's not the issue, although it is a great sorrow maker. I am also an only child unfortunately..the reason for that is the fact that my mother does not love children in general. I was born with a heart disease..it was congenital and genetically since my father has it as well. Despite all of it, i am very healthy...and people barely notice something wrong with me..they notice only if i tell them.Without making it too long.... my father is an alcoholic, never brings money home, likes to speak from up-above, verbally aggressive most of the times and self-centered. My mother is a very strange person, she's unemployed, very cold, doesn't like to laugh or smile, never said to me "i love you"....But the worst thing and i do blame it on both of them is the fact that they never cared about my well-being. I also happen to have crooked teeth, they never bothered to take me to a dentist, they never had money in the house if something awful would have happened ..thank goodness i was a shy child and not very wild...i never got in any kind of trouble.There was a time when things were rougher than ever, my father had been gone for a week without saying where he is, my mother cried all day or yelled at me for doing the dishes, or just because i was reading. I thought she would be proud of me if i showed that i cared (i wanted to do the dishes for her, so she would have time to relax, i wanted to read and learn instead of playing with the children stupid games). Most children would have run away from home, or just indulged themselves in drugs and/or alcohol...but i wanted to be different. I was never complaining about the missing things in my life...(i never had a barbie doll, my mother never baked cookies for me, i never went outside my own little town, i never had new clothes, i rarely got the chance to eat something sweet)..but i never complained about it. I always had my feet on the ground and i always knew how the situation was..so i wasn't even dreaming about it.In my high school years, when teenagers usually seem to behave rather competitive, i have tried to pay attention to what mattered the most, the education... that only lead to another disappointing chapter in my life, the colleagues started to avoid me, they said i was two-faced, that i cared only for my good grades..i cared for good grades yes, but only because i put so much effort into it in the first place(they had no idea what kind of problems i had at home, and that i barely had time to study for my tests, so of course i was proud of my good grades. But with high school and teenage years the love interest also arrived. Of course i believed that me being quite shy and having those crooked teeth, i truly believed no guy would ever look at me. Life proved me wrong....a guy did looked at me. But it wasn't long before he broke up with me....he called me 'passive' because i didn't really initiated anything..i was shy...my parents or the family (grandmothers, uncles, aunts) they never hugged me, they never showed any other emotion than anger or sadness (they tend to cry a lot..another thing i don't understand about them)..so i wasn't keen on showing my emotions, i had them and i felt them, but i was afraid to project them into reality. I'm not feeling sorry for the break-up cause in the end, the guy turned out to be a cruel person..he broke up because he found out i was a virgin at age 17...to me it was something normal, to him apparently it was something out of the ordinary...way to strange for his personal taste. At that moment i took a decision... i promised myself never to become like my father, never to become like my mother and to only concentrate on my persona, my well-being, trying to make the best out of it. It so happens that i was outspoken enough to convince my parents to buy me a PC and to have internet. And while for others the internet might seem as something normal, for me..the first time i had the chance to surf the web...well that meant heaven on earth for me! Since then, couple of other things have happened... i met a new boy and i hoped for a change but it turned out he was pretty much the same as the first one.... i finished high school being in the top 3 first students but nobody came to my graduation, not my mother nor my father, nor anybody else..i was alone there...the pain was the worst when teachers asked me why nobody came..and when other parents asked over and over again the same question..and i had no idea what to say since my father was actually in the local bar (few streets from my school) getting drunk and my mother was sitting at home doing nothing....i also haven't had a chance to go to the prom, everybody went, minus me, I haven't had money for a dress. At that time i didn't really thought about it..but looking back, that prom was one in a lifetime experience, now i don't even have that memory.Almost a year has passed since i finished high school and pretty much every colleague went to some kind of university...but me. For 6 months i had some help from our government (they help young adults that finish high school with 6 months of payments...hard to explain)..so of course i made plans. I planned that if i put those money aside, at the end i will be able to go to the dentist and pay for braces....but the plan backfired. Firstly braces are way more expensive that i would have ever thought...secondly my father stopped bringing money home since he heard from my mother i happen to have some money..so if the dentist plan backfired, i had at least to take care of the house..and i did the best way that i could.Now i don't want to go to university, because i cannot afford it..at all. But i thought i would do something practical, like maybe become a hairstylist or a beautician...something that will eventually pay off...or at least keep me alive. Turns out those classes also are quite expensive, but I am positive about it, i will make it somehow...but the worst thing is the fact that the entire family is looking down on me..they don't comprehend the fact that i don't want to go to college, when they themselves didn't go. They say bad things about me... that i am lazy, that i don't appreciate the things around me...but i cannot afford to pay for college (not now at least) and they are not willing to help me either. My father especially yells at me saying that "being a hairstylist is a sh*t job, being a hairstylist is NOT a job, that i am basically worthless" (pardon the expression) I have tried to find a job, but my town is so small, nobody is hiring...and while the city isn't really far away i cannot really afford to go there, and besides i wouldn't have where to stay or how to pay for the city expenses.So... now i need advice! With all that is going on...no money..how will i be able to change things?When i promised myself not to become like my parents....i hate bitterness and negative thoughts, but lately especially since i am almost turning 20...it seems that i am stuck in a situation where the light isn't the brightest..so what should i do? How to stay positive when everything around me is black?Will i ever be able to have a loving relationship? I am asking this because all the men i have met in my life (2 only) turned out to be so superficial. Am i wrong to believe and sincerely hope that love can be found? And if not love at least a little tenderness? Are men these days so cold? Does romance exists only in movies and novels? (and i am not absurd...i am not referring to the over-the-top kind of things). And is it strange that at age 20 i am still a virgin? People look at me like i'm crazy when i tell them that i still am. It's not like i am overly religious, but if it has to happen i like to think it should happen at least with a person who cares a bit about me..am i wrong or too naive to think such things should occur?It seems like i have no way out... i still have plenty of hope that things will eventually turn out well...but i am so afraid of disappointment and of failure.I hope i didn't bored or annoyed anyone, but i would like to thank you (whoever you might be)sincerely for hearing me out..or for reading this. This is, as i've already mentioned, the first time i am able to speak openly. I am sorry for the grammar mistakes, but english is not my native language. I utterly hope to get a response...i would like to see that life proves me wrong and that out there, somewhere on the other side of the globe, somebody took the time to read at least the letter!!!! Sincerely, -T.
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alcoholic, braces, broke up, drugs, drunk, money, shy, still a virgin, the internet, university Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 July 2011): Hi
I wish you the best of luck in your life and hope it is a colourful one, you have the world waiting for you to create your life, be what you want to be, be true to you. The Past, I hold no place for dwelling in it, so won't focus on yours. It's today and tomorrow that count, not who you were, but who you are and who you are going to be!
Good Luck
Spunky Monkey.
A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (4 July 2011):
 Hi OP,
First of all, I must tell you that although you say that English is not your first language, you have worded this question really well and its very well written and I was hooked on to it. So a big thumbs up there!!
Now, coming to your question, honestly, I appreciate your spirit. You have handled a difficult life with so much grace and dignity, its a lesson, for me at least. I really admire that. Many people in your situation would have broken down or gone astray or made life miserable for those around them, but you have done neither.
OP, i understand you need to independent immediately and you need money. But I think its very important to complete your education before that. Education is something that you stand you in good stead for all your life to come. You are a good student, you write so well, why dont you try and apply for a scholarship? There must be scholarships available in your country for university education? You can get into journalism, you can become a teacher...the options are endless. I think that you should use your academic background to have a career because you have the brains, the grades and the acumen for it.
OP probably the entire family is looking down at you for not wanting to go to university, is because they themselves haven't gone to university (as you said) and they regret it now. They dont want you to go down the same path as them and have a difficult life. Cant you at least borrow some money from your father for university and repay it as soon as you can? Have a talk with him. Why wont he pay for it? Is no one in your family willing to help you?
As far as having a man in your life is concerned, it WILL happen. It absolutely will. I say you're lucky you haven't met someone crappy and lost your virginity to him. Its certainly not strange to be a virgin at 20. It means you know what you want and you are willing to wait for the right person, to make your first time special. Dont ever let anyone pull you down. Who are people to comment on why you're still a virgin? Its your choice and you will do it when the time is right. Love is never too far away, just be open to it and wait for the right person.
Iv been on DC for a while, seen lots of questions,answered many as well. This is the first time a question actually got tears to my eyes. The sincerity of your post and your spirit is truly amazing. I hope you get the best out of life and great things happen to you. You deserve it. Never give up hope, never let the fire die down. Cherish your spirit. Some young man will be very lucky to have you by his side.
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A
male
reader, theorb14  +, writes (4 July 2011):
 I read your letter and it is a horrible situation you are in.
My ex girlfriend was in a similar situation to you with university, her parents were working very very low income jobs and would not have been able to fund her education, but thankfully in the UK there is money that is given to students to study at university and it is payed back later in life. I can't see a way out, unless you do meet someone that is wealthy enough to take you away from your town, or you get an apprenticeship with a hair salon or beautician clinic.
Just find any money you can, work bad jobs, any jobs, and just save as much money as you can and go and look for jobs in the city. Is it expensive to travel to the city for you? There must be more jobs available there, and with your good grades I'm sure someone will take you in.
Your story makes me realise how lucky I am living where I am, I truly hope you can find a way out, you sound like a nice person that deserves a lot better than you have. Good luck in the future, I wish you all the best
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