A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I really need help. Im struggling from moving on from my first love even though in my brain i know i will find someone else, and that we have too much going against us. im sorry this is long, but im looking for answers from men out there who have been like my ex, or understands whats going on?For the past 12 months, i have been off and on with my long distance ex. We have been long distance our entire relationship, which lasted for about 2 and a half years. We are currently off for the 4th time, and Im still at a loss to how we could get here. I am 22 and he is 23 and about 12 months ago we were had our whole lives dreamed up together. Our friendship group was disgusted by how in love we were, and i we were truly in love, you just know when you are.Ever since we met, he has been unmotivated and pretty lazy. He has deep self esteem issues through his business not being sucessful even though he puts a reasonalble amount of effort and commitment (not fully though). He, more recently, in a stage when we were off after our second breakup started seeing a psychiatrist and i believe he has bipolar (he doesnt like to discuss it too much with me) and is on medication. Our breaks were always mid argument (we fought alot due to the distance and his motivation) and usually instigated by him because that is the way he deals with things, when he gets really stressed and feels like he cant deal with something, he pushes it away. I always realised that the relationship wasnt working, but always wanted to resolve things because when we are happy, things are simply amazing. however, we could not end the fighting, and so he called it off for a fourth time after two months of us trying to make it work. I suggested moving, but he said that there was no guarantee that things would work, and that he wouldnt let me leave my good job. Its been 5 weeks and weve had no contact. each time we broke up before, i always took him back so i guess it became a bit of a pattern, but i did it because i knew that in his heart, he does want things to work, he just is too lazy and unmotivated, like with the rest of his life. I guess i want to know if this can ever work? will he get better to be with me? will he come back if he truly loves me? Or should i just admit defeat that this man has too many issues and self esteem problems to give me what i want. He is also very immature, and quite recently, he has been uploading heaps of photos on facebook of him and this new 'friend'. his mates are saying its just a projection of him trying to appear happy, and proably trying to make me jealous as well. Do guys do this? try and desperately try and appear happy being newly single? why?
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broke up, facebook, immature, jealous, long distance, my ex, self esteem Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, fi_the_tree  +, writes (10 September 2010):
 Our relationship was very on and off. It seemed like everything would be great for a couple of weeks, then all of a sudden it would go horribly wrong for the next 2 weeks, then it would be great again.
Very frustrating, but i stuck with him, and he realised this and told me so in a beautiful letter that he wrote to me.
Keep the faith :)
A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 September 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks Fi The tree, can I ask, were you broken up just the once? or were you off and on a while before he realised his behaviour was one of the main reasons it wasnt working? He just lacks motivation in general, one of my friends said to me" if his girlfrined who he loves, and his business cant motivate him to change, what can?" Thanks so much for your response! And id still love to hear from some guys who have perhaps let an ex go only to relize that they wanted to fight for it.
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A
female
reader, fi_the_tree +, writes (9 September 2010):
Hmm, this sounds fairly familiar to my ex...
Even tho my ex and i broke up, I always maintained that I would always be there for him if he needed anything (that's just my caring nature) My ex used to close of and shut me out all the time, and just carry on like things were normal. I tried to tell him that he should consider proffessional help (as he had a nasty car accident the year before i met him - and i didn't think he was quite over it) but nothing ever seemed to happen.
Then all of a sudden, after we had been broken up for about 4 weeks, he suddenly sat up and realised that he had been shutting me out and actually acknowledged his destructive behaviour towards me, when all i had been doing was trying to help him.
I mean, everyone told me that my ex was going nowhere, and would never realise his behaviour, and for a while i began to believe it too, but low and behold, he changed. I'm sure if you still have faith in him and your relationship, then maybe he'll suddenly sit up and realise what he's doing.
So in answer to your question, yes, it could still work. It's whether or not you're prepared to stick it out yourself (which is what i'm doing)
I wish you the best of luck xx
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