A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My fiancee and I have been together for just over 3 years. We have been commuting back and forth for 2.5 of the 3 years (6 months ago my fiancee decided he'd move a little closer so that we could see each other more) And since the first week we met, he has been saying he wants to move to the coast where I am from so that we can have a good lifestyle together by the water. His words have always remained in my mind because I've always wanted to find someone who I can settle with in my home town - I have told him this so he is aware.At the end of last year, he proposed and we have recently moved into his place together. The deal was that if I move down to the city to be with him for 2 years, he will move up the coast. We've had many arguments about this these past few months because I don't think he is saying what he truly means. One minute he says it will be 2 years before he comes to the coast, the next minute he thinks it will be longer, then other times he says he won't be ready in 2 years because he won't have enough money (his idea of a lot of money is to make a couple of million dollars through real estate and developments which I think is too far fetched and unnecessary) All I want to do is settle into a home with a small house, a dog and a couple of kids in my home town.I just think we have different goals in life and no matter how many discussions / arguments we have, I don't think what he is saying is the truth. I believe he wants to come to the coast in another 10-20 years and live the 'good life when he is about 50', which is not what I want. Life is too short in my opinion and I want to enjoy the good things now. He keeps on giving excuses like; "The coast is too expensive" or "you can't have a good job and live on the coast" but the thing is....I HAVE lived there my whole life! He has made me feel bad a few times by saying that moving to the coast is my dream, not his and that he isn't getting a say in the matter - but the thing is - that's what he said he wanted 3 years ago when we met! Do you think he is lying about the 2 years? Will we ever come to a compromise or are we just way too different with our goals in life? Am I being selfish by wanting the goal in life that we both agreed to earlier in the relationship?
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (26 January 2018):
 It sounds like at the moment you are both good at discussing things and compromising. However it has stuck in your head that he said he wanted to move to your hometown when you both first got together, but unfortunately for you people can and do change there mind all the time.
Okay so why two years? Is there some reason he wants to remain in the city for the next two years?
You mention you want a small home, a dog and a few kids, while he wants to remain in the city for now until he makes enough money to move to the coast. Could take two years could take 20. If I am being fair I can see both your points off view here. Nobody is in the right or wrong it is just you both want different things. You want to settle in the coast with kids, and it sounds like he wants the big job in the city. Arguing about it is not going to help, but you both need to seriously talk about it, because it could make or break your marriage.
It does sound like you are two very different people, it seems he wants to save and you want to just live in the moment. If you both really want this to work then you both need to find a middle ground that works for you both.
If he is making excuses already about not moving to the coast then take that as a sign that he does not want to leave city life. Yes you have lived there all your life and you love it, but honey he doesn't. It sounds like he wants to retire to the coast and spend the rest off his life relaxing, but for now he wants to work and save hard. So it does sound to me like he knows what he wants, and it is not the same as you, so you need to ask are you willing to settle somewhere else other than your hometown?
I have to agree with him it is your dream sweetie, it is your childhood and your memories not his! Just because he said it once three years ago when you met doesn't mean he is not allowed to change his mind, we all change our mind from time to time, it is allowed.
Do I think he is lying? Not completely, I do think he will move when he feels he can afford it, but I also believe he will be doing it to keep you happy. Will you come to a compromise? Only both off you can answer that. You both have different dreams and goals, and all I can say is if you both want to be together then you both need to meet in the middle! Are you being selfish? No off course your not, but you do keep focusing on the point that he wanted that three years ago, you need to get that out off your head because that is probably why you are both arguing so much because you keep throwing that in his face that he made the comment three years ago. You had only just began dating you need to stop using that against him now and realize that we can all change our minds. I wish you all the best and a happy future together.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 January 2018): [EDIT]:
"I think his objective is to stay-put, and put the brakes on your plan to move to the coast."
"That entails giving-up jobs and steady sources of income,"
"You're telling him in essence you don't believe in him. You doubt he can do it."
I recommend a financial-advisor; because you need someone to make you stick to your goals and to tell you how to plot your financial-future, as the economy fluctuates.
You will also be planning a wedding and kids could show-up in the near future, unexpectedly. Throwing your plans more in his favor.
My boyfriend reached his first million over the course of 16-18 years. I mean in liquid-assets.
He hit snags. Downturns in the economy, banks weren't lending, and even the wealthy weren't spending. He needed clients!!! He stuck it out. He went to seminars for entrepreneurs, took courses in business, economics, and finance. *He went to a trade-school, he didn't go to college. So he had to re-educate himself!
He's now a self-made millionaire; but he did have a financial advisor and business mentors who kept him on track, and showed him where to find the resources he needed to grow his business. Then how to invest and expand his business; once he reached a milestone.
Everybody will not become overnight millionaires with bitcoin and internet businesses; and those in real estate are also on a slippery-slope.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2018): I think you two have done well at compromising up to this point. He moved closer, and he proposed after three years. That's a rarity in itself! He may have to make some more adjustments, because life is not so predictable.
Financial-goals or investments don't always workout as planned or predicted, either. The real-estate market is either good, or it's bad. He might be pushing it, or trying to make a built-in excuse for procrastinating on his promise.
I also think you both should also hire a financial-planner to do some research and projections regarding your move to the the coast; and his real-estate ventures. He might be talking 20 years like you say, or never. Hoping you'll just get domesticated and complacent; and end-up changing your mind. I think his objective is to stay-put, and put the breaks on your plan to move to the coast.
Give him the two years as agreed. You must have your financial-planner in place to monitor your finances; so he can't pull the wool over your eyes about how things are going. Doing these things on your own gets tricky!
You must also focus on your financial future realistically; because you're over 30, and should be saving and preparing no matter what your plans are. Neither of you should be flying by the seat of your pants, when you're talking about uprooting your lives. That entails giving-up jobs and steady sources or income, that are well-established where you are.
You're not married yet. I think this is where you might need to practice trusting your partner. He has a right to give his opinion; because you're also talking about the sacrifice he has to make to please you. He may not be completely sold on living on the coast. You're not compromising, you've written it in stone. So don't blame him for his opposing viewpoint.
You are being selfish. You're insisting your dream be his reality. Coastal-living these days is for the wealthy in most countries. You should have your wealth first. If you're planning to live in a simple little fishing village by the sea; a man who wants to become a millionaire doesn't want such a simple life. He has higher ambitions. You telling him in essence you don't believe in him. You doubt he can do it.
Postpone the wedding and give him two-years. Then move to the coast and force him to follow. If he doesn't, I guess there will be no wedding.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (24 January 2018):
 I think you have hit the nail on the head.
I think he originally said whatever he thought YOU wanted to hear. Which was... "I want to live on the Coast with you".
But over time the truth is shining through. Living on the Coast is NOT really what he wants.
You have both made compromises with moving closer and then moving in, so you two are CAPABLE of that. However, he is no longer enamored with living on the Coast with you as he was when you two first met.
I don't think he has been lying per se, I think he was not entirely sure. He is now. As he has declared that the Coast is YOUR dream, not his.
So what do you do? Well, is there another place you can see yourself with him together? Other than the Coast and your home town? If not, maybe it's time for you to move back and find someone either ALREADY living there or someone who REALLY wants that life style.
You can't CHANGE how he feels. and I don't think he is feeling the "Coastal living" any more.
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