A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hey everyone wondering if anyone can offer some friendly advice on my situation. I've been with my boyfriend about a year and a half although we split in the summer for a couple months due to not getting on and silly little arguments. My boyfriend left me six days before my uncles funeral and refused to come and support me like he was going to. He and I have both had very different up bringings. He and his sister have always been spoilt had everything they wanted their parents were both together and still are (the kind of family life I would want when I'm ready for a family) however me, my parents split when I was 4 I had step parents neither of them were big fans of me my step dad could be abusive. My step mum was very jealous over the fact my dad had a daughter and it was always an issue. I didn't have a bad childhood as such but it was nothing like my boyfriends. By the age of 14 I'd do everything for my self wash my clothes, iron my clothes clean my own room wash my own bedding I literally did everything for myself. My mum has never been the type of mum to have tea cooking when I got home from school I sorted it out myself. Where as his mum even now does literally everything for him has his tea ready for him when he gets home from work and it's the same for me when I'm there. His mum and I are very close and have been from day 1, although she gets too involved in our relationship and sometimes I feel as though she makes things worse. A few months ago I had disagreed with something between me and my boyfriend however I thought it was my fault so decided to let it slide. After spending time at my dads my dad had said he agreed with me and thought the situation was out of order. This upset me and when I got back home I rang my boyfriend to talk about it things got out of hand and we ended up arguing he put the phone down on me and went to sleep. Then his mum was trying to ring me but I couldn't be doing with the hassle so I chose to ignore it, then she sent me a text saying "answer your phone" the next morning I decided to phone her to try and make peace she just ended up shouting at me saying some really awful things and telling me to leave the relationship. When I spoke to my boyfriend he just wanted to make up and forget about it. So we did. After that I was very skeptical to go back to his house after the way she had spoken to me but I did and she was all friendly. Just recently my boyfriend picked me up after work and we had disagreed about something In the car although it wasn't a huge issue. When we pulled up his mum greeted us and she said "are you okay" I just said yes and went upstairs I didn't want to.m be questioned like I knew I would be from his mum, my boyfriend had gone downstairs to get something to eat and his mum came storming upstairs demanding to know what was wrong then she said "do you want to go home" I just thought that would be best I didn't want to feel as though I was under a spotlight as that's how it did feel. I just said yes I'll go home and then my boyfriend came upstairs and both him and his mum were trying to get me to stay after this I didn't t want to I said to both of them that this wasn't right and that my mum didn't get involved she didn't go to my boyfriend and have a go at him when he's upset me. His mum then got really angry started screaming saying she was the problem she then said "get that bag of stuff and chuck it outside" (this being my bag with my clothes in) my boyfriend told her to stop she then slammed the bedroom door and left I was crying my boyfriend was hugging me she then came back and apologised for what she had done and said she said she had felt really down lately and took it out on me. I appreciate she has a apologised but it's not that easy to forget something like that especially when it isn't even your family. I've obviously expressed my feelings about this to my boyfriend but he just said it's just because she cares???? Anyone think this is okay behaviour?I genuinely don't know how to deal with this, is this going to happen again? Should it be okay for her to always demand to know if we are having a disagreement because In my opinion it should be between me and him as we are both adults? Please help me how do I avoid this happening in the future? I like the fact I have a close relationship with his mum but I don't want to have to tell her absolutely everything!
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (26 January 2018):
 When you have a disagreement or argument with each other don't you run to your Dad and same goes for his Mum. At the end off the day even if you are adults it is still her son and it is under her roof. She is obviously dealing with some issues at the moment and it could be possible she is hormonal. I agree it is not fair her taking her issues out on you. But this is her home you are in and her rules. If you don't want her involved in your relationship then both off you find your own place to live. You are both adults it is time to flee the nest.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 January 2018): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell I'm glad at least someone sees where I am coming from. I didn't think this was normal acceptable behaviour I certainly don't expect my parents to treat him this way and I'm sure they wouldn't. Yes I went to my dad for a second opinion and someone to vent to I guess but the difference is my dad didn't go ringing up my boyfriend or attempting to kick him out of the house and that is the difference. No we are not planning to move out any time soon, as we are saving to buy a house other than rent which is the best option in my opinion. Yes all couples do argue I'm sure she argues with her husband about things as does everyone I'm just thankful we only argue about minor things that are easily resolved and don't have major issues. I just wish it wasn't made to be such a huge deal which it is when his mum is involved.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (24 January 2018):
 I agree with Denizen,
If you live with them, time to move out. If you only spend time there at his place, keep your time together AWAY from the house.
Now you claim that you want a family like his in the future, I think not. After all, this woman is not a happy person and NO, you are not the reason. The times I see MOMS get involved in their children's relationships, it is often times because they use the meddling as a distraction from what REALLY makes them unhappy, be it marriage, work, family or whatnot.
If you two can afford an apartment together (and he/you are ready for this) then maybe that should be the next logic step.
Also, talk to your BF. Tell him to PLEASE not involve her and you will not involve HER or your dad either. TALK to each other when you have issues. NOT parents. The parents have a "vested interest" in protecting THEIR offspring - wither you or him.
WORK out your issues and NOT in front of his mom. If things are not great when he picks you up from work, then either SORT it out before getting to his house or go home and have a think, THEN talk to him.
And it might ALSO be a good idea next time she tries to "sort out" what's going on that you tell:" her I love that you care and want to help but BOB and I need to figure these things out by ourselves." She might not LIKE it, but she might just respect it.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2018): You went to your dad and then confronted your boyfriend; who went to his mum, and all hell broke loose from then on.
If argument erupt in my house, and don't quickly draw to a close. I will intervene, or throw both people out! Only my boyfriend and I are allowed to argue in my house! Nobody else! Take it outside!
You're both living in her house. Some mothers are not detached or removed. Some moms don't turn-off being mothers; but have every right to keep the peace in their homes. She is the queen, and that is her castle.
If you're storming around and pouting like a big child; she assumes the role of mother in your life as well. She cares for you like her own. You're still quite young.
Maybe you've done everything for yourself in your life; but she knows what a mom does when a child is having a tantrum. In HER house, and that anger is being directed at HER son! Yet neither of you are handling your issues like adults!
Mothers protect, they meddle, they soothe, and they kick ass! Even if yours was less motherly; she is an example of the other kind. You're lucky and you don't seem to know it.
She prepares tea, dinner, or whatever; because being your host, she is extending a courtesy. Offering you welcome into the household and into their family. Taking care of you. Folks whom happen to be a close-family. They like taking care of their children and giving them whatever they can. As did my parents, and most parents who love their children. Regardless of their age!
You might make it a bit difficult not getting into your business; if you put on dramatic-performances in her presence, while living in her home, and with her son.
What is she supposed to do?
To top it off, both you and her son act like children ignoring each others calls. Seriously?!! Somebody has to be a grown-up! She will throw you out before she puts-up with your mess! She even apologized! There was unnecessary tension, and tension tends to spread. Her house was peaceful otherwise. She had every right to toss you out!
You want to show just how grown-up you are?
Get your own place together.
Stop fighting over childish little things, and you won't need mommy's adult-intervention program. Stop running home or leaving; when you can't put on your big-girl panties and work things out like grown-ups. Running-off to pout and sulk. How can she not get into it? Back and forth! Back and forth! Either end the relationship, or stop that ridiculous pattern. It's disruptive in her house. She's tired of it!
Spoiler-alert! Even if you move into your own place; he will still maintain a good relationship with his parents. They love each other. It may look like "spoilt" to someone who doesn't get it.
If that bothers you too much. Move on! Take care of yourself. You seem to be good at it.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2018): Wow, she sounds like the definition of a helicopter parent, and it also sounds like she has issues of her own and issues accepting that her son is an adult. You are 100% right that your parents don't get involved in your arguments, nor should she. She should not be taking sides or getting involved at all. Your boyfriend seems to be feeding this a bit because it seems like he must comment to her about the fighting for her to go upstairs and find you and yell. If he is close with his mom though I understand that he may tell her what is going on, but it is her duty to stay out of it as much as possible and let the two of you sort it out. I am close to my mom and currently live at home, with a boyfriend who comes over a lot and I have to say it is the opposite of what you experience. My mom is very involved like his is on the nice things (making tea or whatnot) but when we argue, which all couples do, and if I make an offhand comment to my mom she knows to stay out of it. If anything, she tells me to go make it up with him, she always says 'don't bring me into the argument', and she even says it isn't fair because he doesn't have parents here to talk to so she's not going to defend me when he doesn't have someone for him. Basically the point you were making in your post. She knows that her role is NOT relationship counselor for two adults. Yes, when your boyfriend is mad i'm sure he wants to express some frustration to the mom but she totally overreacts and acts crazy. As she told you she has been feeling down lately, so it may well be that she has bipolar or is unstable emotionally. She might also have jealousy about you taking her "baby" away as she obviously still sees him as a child needing her to be his defender. I think you need to sit down and talk with her and explain while you are both calm that while you appreciate all she does for the both of you, it is difficult when she gets involved in your fights, especially because it makes the playing field unequal (2 against 1). Say you also feel like an outsider who the two of them will kick out at the drop of a hat. Next talk to your boyfriend and say that because his mom overreacts so much he has to stop confiding in her- he should be YOUR defender and even when you are fighting he should be protective of you and that means keeping things confidential in this case. Next, ask him when you two can move out!
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A
male
reader, Denizen +, writes (24 January 2018):
 It seems fairly obvious to me that you and your boyfriend shouldn't be livung in his mother's home. In your own home you make your own rules.
If his mother is prone to expressing herself in this dramatic way then you can't stop her. You are an adult. Go and rent a flat. It has the added advantage of letting you trial marriage. You will get to find out if you are suited, and if not he can go back home to his mum.
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