A
female
age
41-50,
*nonymous_Chick
writes:Hello My Cupid Friends,I'm here again asking for advice, I have been here a couple of times asking for advice on my husband.. My husband and I meet March 2009 then got married May 16,2009 I know that was fast but knew what I wanted and our 1 year aniversery is coming up in May. This year of marriage has been craZy! When we meet we fell for each other he's just turned 49 earlier this month and I will turn 30 next week. This is my first marriage this is his 2nd time around, he was married for 16 years, 2 children but the marriage was very dysfuctional, she would not work, he worked 6 days a week she was sneeky coniving controlling, he lost 2 homes and went bankrupt twice, she cheated, he cheated because she did just a mess! He has been divorced going on 2 years in May. When we met he told me that he was in a 3 year relationship that went bad because she was leading him on never letting him move in playing games taking his money going clubbing leaving him in the house with her 10 year old son with A-D-D she also had cancer! He was part of a cycling team that she was also a part of so when we got married I went on a trip with cycling team and everybody was looking at us surprised that he go married after he dated his ex for 3 years and he didn't tell her she heard it through the grape vine! So she didn't come on the trip because she was embrassed so I thought! Later I found out she was there but hiding! So he told he loves me and no one else matters one of the women on the bike team that is also good friends with his ex welcomes me with open arms. So after the trip he continued to ride with the team I didn't like it but it was he passion to cycle and he became angry when I said anything.. I started to notice he would never call me during the day his conversation was dry no communication just weird! I was a live in nurse 4 days a week at that time so I would come on friday sat sun. So one Saturday I went to get my hair braided and came home 11:00pm that night I was happy talking to him but he had this look on his face that looked like oh no something bad about to happen so I asked what the problem was and he said that maybe we married to fast he's confused because of his ex they were together for 3 1/2 years he left her she has cancer I feel guilty and he loves me alot but he has to make a choice i'm devastated crying uncontrolably he tells me to calm down he has not made the choice yet he's texting her while were laying in bed! A weekend of pure HELL! The whole time there riding with the team there convincing him to get our marriage analled leave her you don't know her I love you and her fell for the guilt trip.. So he thinks about it and relizes she only wants his money for security so he tells her no i'm not leaving my wife I love her so he begs for my forgiveness and says he will spend a life time making it up so I forgave him he had to stop riding on the team she ran his name threw the mudd saying he married someone he didn't know we seen her and some riding friends at festival she tried to attack us the members from the team had to hold her back. So he had to leave the team because it was too much drama he didn't want to because was he a top rider and people looked up to him. So I depressed because I was working away from and I want to be close to him but he told me to keep my job to the end of the year so I decided to go home every night cook dinner at work bring it home because I was worried after the ex thing so I would drive home at 9:30pm drive 40 miles talk a little bit go to bed wake up at 4:00am take him to work then drive 40 miles back to my job then sleep until 9:00am then wake up to work with my patient and do it all over again. Not to mention I had to deal with his porn and shemale porn problems which he has worked on and stopped. We went on vaction to spend time with his family everything is going good but I noticed everytime we would get into agruement about his porn or anything he would always say divorce to scare me. I started to relize he was not affectionate at all didn't kiss hug or hold hands just dry the sex started out great now it's just blah! He is lazy and I have to do all the work he has no communication skils blames it on his children hood no father mother always working not to mention he is always comparing me to his ex-wife he says we have some of the same ways and he gets attitudes with me because I guess he this im his ex not to mention she left the state with his kids trying to turn him against him he has not seen them in 3 years the thing about this story is i'm a dotting supportive wife I handle all the finances got the lawyer for the situation with the children and his ex I clean I cook I satisfy him in every way! But he is a motionally absent non romantic and blames it on a bad marriage and relationships so lately he has been attitudey snappy and saying things like i'm insecure for my age I have a security blanket on him he can't go anywhere... I'm very senstive so when we get into it I cry and he said I need to stop that and man up! I feel neglected and not getting the 4 star treatment that I give him in and out of the bed he's turning really pessamistic and I hate it I always say I Love him and I have his back no matter what let's work threw this and get conseling he says I know you love me and I truely love you but I have some issues that i need to work on but does not want to consider conseling he is scared to open up. I want this to work because i'm in love with him deeply but I can't make him change we have only been married for a short while and I want to give it a chance what should I do any advice my Cupid friends? Sorry for the long story but I had to give you guys the just of it.. Thank You
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at work, bankrupt, clubbing, depressed, divorce, ex-wife, his ex, I love you, insecure, money, porn, shemale, text, transexual porn Reply to this Question
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female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (24 March 2010):
 Stop doing too much. Or change the attitude of doing from "if I don't do this he'll be a mess" to " I enjoy helping him because I love him". You understand the difference here? The first attitude makes him feel like a hopeless child who messes things up all the time. The second attitude makes him feel like whatever happened in his life is accepted, and that you value his growth. He will learn that doing things for himself is a joyful thing to do, and not a chore. I understand why he doesn't want to go to a counselor because his whole life revolves around not being good enough or loved enough. His stressful life events, exes, children are reinforcing that. He doesn't need to be reminded again. He can't love if he's shut down. Be a positive model. First he needs to apppreciate for who you are, not a helper, not an emotional support, not a housekeeper, but simply a beautiful woman you are. When he learns that when he does things for you not expecting anything back and you will be much happier, then love will overflow between you two.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 March 2010): So i read your story, and i am only in my early 20's but hun you are 30 you are at the stage of your life where anything can happen and your husband does not seem like the man you need. If you cannot make him change i feel like you need to get out. Give your love to someone who actually wants it and deserves it and is willing to give love back to you. You seem like you have tried everything and he is just not cooperative. You deserve 4 start treatment every women does, and obviously your husband does not agree with that.
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