| A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes: I'm having a terrible time in my LDR. I "met" a woman a few months ago through on online dating service. When she started her account and up until about two weeks before we contacted, she lived only 40 miles from me. After moving (again, a couple of weeks before we started contact), she lives over 3,000 miles away. She told me this right up front, but I really enjoyed our conversations (averaged almost 4 hours a day!). After only three weeks of talking, I flew her to see me for a week. It was magical and by the time she left, we were both in love. After returning home though, the conversations continued to be daily for a few weeks, but were consuming less time (15-30 minutes).Part of the problem is that she has some major medical issues that affect her ability to function like the rest of us. I understand and accept this, but she started using that as the reason for not communicating as much. She also seems to be quite popular with the men in her small town (which she seems to make a point of letting me know about each one she "runs into"). Of course, being a guy, I thought the worst. She also promised to call me several times and didn't call, but when I called her, I got busy signals - I could only imagine she was talking with another guy instead of talking to me (again, I had her nearly to myself on the phone the first few weeks). I got angry and sent her nasty texts letting her know I was upset she didn't have time to call me, but seemed to have time for others. She assured me that I had nothing to worry about and that she loved me.About two weeks ago, I called her cell phone and got a double ring (i.e. already on a call). I kept calling every 10 minutes until the line was finally free. She got angry and told me she was having an unpleasant conversation with her doctor. I tried to apologize, but she was angry and "couldn't talk to me right now". I texted her a little later suggesting that I would back off a bit and for her to call me when it was good for her. FIVE days later, I broke down and called her. We talked and she finally revealed that she was very worried that given her medical problems that she wouldn't be able to handle my two kids and ex-wife (not to mention I don't have a house; though I was waiting on the bank to approve an offer on a house). The thing is, we had spoken in the past about living together and I told her it was something I would love to see happen, but we never really set definite plans for this. I explained to her that my kids weren't an issue (they love her just from meeting her only two days while she visited) and I only had them every other week - also, I didn't expect her to "take care of them" - that's my responsibility whether she's there or not. I also said that she didn't need to get involved with my ex-wife either. Her reply to this was that she couldn't not be involved and she would end up becoming responsible for the kids. I really pressed her in the conversation and kind of forced her to say she thought we should probably break up - she felt I needed someone close that I could be with - I think this a lot of this is related back to my need for frequent communication in an LDR and not to mention that conversations had turned towards discussing each other's problems (kinda negative). I got really emotionally upset and told her I had to go. Later, after I had time to compose myself and reflect on things, I called her back. I told her that maybe we were getting way ahead of ourselves (both of us) in even thinking about living together without spending more time physically together. I pointed out that she was making assumptions without any real experience with my kids (they are incredibly wonderful and quite self-sufficient). I also pointed out that things can change quite a bit in a short amount of time. I asked her to reconsider and let's take things a bit slower. I offered her time to think on it and let me know. I sent her an email later that night reiterating what was said and suggesting that we talk only once or twice a week and that now that I understood the situation, I felt so much better. I ended up calling her the next day and asked her if she read the email. She asked me "oh, you want a schedule now" to which I replied that 'no, just that I felt comfortable with her loving me and didn't need daily reassurance anymore' (you know, compromise). She also said, 'so you just flipped a switch and felt all better'. To which I reiterated that knowing the situation made all the difference to me and I wanted see if we could make this work. This was 4 days ago. She has surgery tomorrow and didn't call me today. I texted her withing her good luck, please have someone call to let me know it went okay, and that the kids missed her and say hello. Of course, I ended it as I end all texts/emails with 'I love you'.I'm kind of upset she didn't call me - I can understand if she's busy or sick, but this is kind of an important thing happening tomorrow and I would have thought if she really loved me that she's want to hear my voice before going under the knife. Further, I had some really good news for her; bank accepted my offer on the house today - will be in the house in less than a month; was baptized last night; and had a long talk with the ex which really cleared a lot of things up.I know this is a lot to digest, but I'm at a loss. I understand absolutely nothing about how women think and I don't know if I'm wasting my time, on the right track to salvage this (less frequent communication/back off a bit, and making sure it is positive), or need to handle things differently. I love her to death and really want to see things work out with us. I love her more than any other woman I've ever met even though it's been mostly an LDR and for only a couple of months (and yes, I'm sure it's real love - old enough to know the difference). Suggestions, advice please....
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 October 2009): This sounds like one sided love, I am afraid. In a relationship you need to prioritize each other, make time for each other. She has been neglecting you and your relationship. Probably it is time for you to move on. Be happy that you are able to move into the house you wanted for so long! There are many good things going on for you right now, by the sounds of it. So focus on the positives. It's her loss.
A comment about LDR though: they work as long as both people involved WANT it to work. She doesn't wont this to work, so then there is little you can do. And needing daily contact is not being "needy". That contact is crucial for LDR to work and keep everyone involved happy. You have not asked for too much. But she is willing to give too little.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 October 2009): Okay, you seem like a very caring, good-natured person. While this is a nice quality to have, too much caring can be harmful in a relationship. Your constant calling and emails probably maker her feel as though you are always checking up on her, like you don't trust her. She probably would just like some space. Give her some time to herself, especially in this rough time with her surgery. She is probably nervous and anxious enough already and doesn't need the extra strain you're putting on her.
Also, the thing I've learned from my current LDR is to just not make assumptions. You said that you left her nasty messages because you got a busy signal when you tried to call, and it turned out that she was having a lengthy discussion with her doctor. Didn't you feel silly after finding that out? You need to have trust. Don't just assume that she's talking to other guys when you don't have any proof to back it up. (Also, most likely the reason why she brings up other men is to make you jealous. We girls like to feel wanted.)
I think you made the right move in letting her know that you wanted to slow down. Just give her some space and be patient, she'll come around. :)
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A
male
reader, GrimmReality  +, writes (20 October 2009):
 Ok,
I will tell you straight out that as much as you probably do not want to hear this, Long distance Relationships rarely if ever work.
They take constant communication and trust, neither of which is present in this relationship.
And I am sorry, but flying someone out for a week or two is not enough time to decide that you are in love. It just isnt.
Frankly the distance and whatever health problems she has will take its toll whether or not you remain in contact.
Listen, I know how hard these things are. especially with the communication issues. I was in an LDR a couple of years ago after being very wary of anyone because I had been cheated on previously. And in the end, the female I was in the LDR in simply would vanish for weeks at a time and then contact me out of thin air as if nothing had happened. Then when I would ask her why she would expect me to just not ask her about it then I was the bad guy.
Needless to say there was not a lot of trust to begin with and it turned into a disaster.
LDR's can work, but their must be full committal and transparency by both parties or they are doomed. And I am afraid you better consider giving this up and dating someone you can see with your own eyes, touch with your hands, and see what they are feeling. Move on!
Best of Luck
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