A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi everyone,I've been with my boyfriend/best friend for almost a decade. I'm absolutely crazy about him and I know he loves me just as much. Last year, while I was exceptionally busy studying, he became closer to a friend of his. He was going through a hard time and was feeling lonely and vulnerable.. and opened up to this friend of his about what was going on in his life. This friend happens to be a girl I know has always been keen on him. In the past, when they've caught up once or twice a year, there's always been awkwardness there with me and him.. I have never liked them spending time together, because I know how she feels. He was oblivious to it. And when I was busy last year, he spent time with her and talked with her regularly without telling me. Now that everything's out in the open, I can understand why.. he was looking for company while I was busy and he knew I would never understand. Turns out (no surprise to me) that she wanted more.. and spent time meeting up with him trying to convince him to leave me behind for her. This all happened without my knowledge and she was distraught to be repeatedly told by him that it could go no further. He spent time trying to let her down gently and explain nothing more could happen with them.. but she continued calling him in tears and begging him to meet with her - all part of her cunning plan to woo him.I know all this because my boyfriend and I have spent about 200 hours discussing everything in detail while he's crying his heart out. He NEVER cries.. I've never seen him so emotional talking about all this.THIS isn't really your typical affair.. there was no sex or physical intimacy.. just that they opened up to each other about what was happening in their lives. But to me.. it feels the same as an affair, because the lying by omission is there.. the dishonesty.. the deceipt. But because we've always had such a stable relationship until now.. and the fact this wasn't something planned.. I know something like this is fortiveable.Don't get me wrong. I know it's not a perfect world out there - life isn't a fairytale. My boyfriend and I had a great relationship until this happened.. but it was the right environment for something to happen - I was unavailable.. and emotionally preoccupied.. he was going through the hardest year of his life.. and this whore was standing at the sidelines waiting for an IN. I have absolutely no doubt he wants to be with me. We were apart for a few months after I found out and I assumed the worst.. that they were together (because I found out through someone else). I spent three months living in absolute HELL.. while in my mind, I thought he was probably off with her somewhere. Turns out the truth is much less tawdry. He spent three months in agony just like me, according to our friends. We went through the exact same grief.. broken sleep.. depression.. night sweats.. unable to concentrate on anything and switch our minds off from thinking about the other.. it was amazing to realise how much I had created in my mind.. and then compare that with what ACTUALLY happened.It's now been three months since we've made our peice and we're trying to make it work. Now, I can only blame myself for the fact things are strained with us. Being an anxiety sufferer, I find myself going through regular periods of dwelling on the past... wanting to ask more and more questions.. even though he has told me everything there is to know... and answered all of my questions honestly and openly. I keep thinking there's something more.. or I keep thinking when I call and can't reach him that she's back in town.. and of course I'm proven wrong every time.. and just feel like an IDIOT! I keep asking myself how he could've gotten into this situation.. and wondering whether that means he doesn't really love me enough. I ask myself all those cliche questions.. what did he see in her.. did he have strong feelings for her.. what did he say to lead her on.. did they see each other more than the few times he told me about? It was really more of a text/phone call thing.. they didn't meet up often at all.. she lives far away, which helped.Sorry for the long post. My question is.. have you been in this situation.. and how did you deal with it? Do all these obsessive thoughts go away in time? Why am I continuing to obsess when she's gone from his life.. she's openly telling people she's single and available... I mean.. there's NO signs anything's happening.. yet it's like I'm holding onto the past in an effort to remain in control or something! I'm so scared I'll never be able to switch my mind off and just get back to US again. I want to just get rid of these thoughts and memories of HER out of my head.. but it seems that I AM the only one keeping her there. I have no doubt she's out of his mind and heart. He's dead set on trying everything he can to make it work with me.. and is genuinely sorry for everything. Please help. Thanks
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female
reader, Miss_Helpful101  +, writes (3 June 2010):
Hello,
Its very clear that you are both very in love with eachother and its very normal for you to not be able to get the thoughts out of your head. The thoughts will go away with time, it will be hard but you can do it. You need to know 100% that you trust him with everything. You also need to remember that you having these thoughts in your head all the time in very normal. Anyone in your place would do or think the same. Like i have said the thoughts will go in time. You should try to think how he wanted to try and sort it out. He wanted to let her down is the nicest way possible. This shows you he isnt after her in anyway. That should be another thing that could help you get the thoughts out of your mind. I hope this has helped.
Yours
Miss_Helpful101 x
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