A
male
age
36-40,
*onesomeorkid
writes:Hello, I am a shy person. I rarely go outside because I get nervous around other people.I have been diagnosed with avoidant personality, and borderline as well as an eating disorder.I am a virgin sort of. When I was a child my older foster brother made me preform fellatio and masturbation on him, I didn't know how to do those things I listened to what he said until eventually I did what he wanted. I did not know what was happening when he reached orgasm I didn't know why he had white fluid comming from his penis.It made me uncomfortable scared but I soon forgot about it until I reached my teens and sex education was a topic at school, I remembered what happened and I hated myself for being so submissive he told me what to do and I just did it.Needless to say I am very confused sometimes when I touch myself I think of a man a strong man doing things to me, some times I reach orgasm thinking of it after the orgasm im filled with sadness and shame.I fear being touched I fear getting close to anyone because I don't want to be rejected it hurts too much.I am attracted to women especially older ones because I believe I'd feel safe with them, I usually fall in love very easily, a simple act of kindness on the womans behalf makes me want to be with her in her arms of course I never tell her that.I have excepted I am never going to have sex because it feels wrong and shameful for me and I feel ugly and useless despite being told by my foster family and one or two people whom I used to work with (I don't work anymore because of my condition). That I am handsome and have nice eyes, lot of people have said that about my eyes.I except that when I have urges that masturbation is ok it's not wrong or sinful yet I feel uncomfortable sometimes so much so that I can't get any feelings of arousal, I'd like to get myself a toy to experiment with and experience a pleasant feeling but I'm scared.Can someone help me please
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Kama  +, writes (4 June 2010):
 All of your sexual energy is being mixed and confused with your past. It's hard to tell for you (maybe) if you can tell the difference between whether you want a strong man to make love to you for reasons that are OK, or if you want a strong man to make love to you because of your past. Feeling *guilty* about sex like this isn't healthy for humans; we need sex, we are sex. See a therapist, for sure. You are not ugly - you are not dirty. You are alive, and you've had a hard past. You don't have to stay there.
A
female
reader, Miss_Helpful101 +, writes (3 June 2010):
Hello,
The things that have happened to you in your past a things that im sure are very hard to get over. You need to remember that what happened wasnt your fault so you should never feel that it is. I will have an effect on your life but try not to let it control your life. What happened to you wasnt your fault and also you didnt understand what you was doing.Nothing can change what happened but you can control how it effects your life.The things that happened in the past will make you a stronger person if you use them in the right way. For example it could help you make the right choice about something. However you need to be out there for a situation to happen for you to make that choice. Your future is something you have control over, the past however isnt. Im sure this is something you can work out. It was always be there, but other things that happen in your life could make you happier. Which can help you get over it. Even if its not 100%.
I hope this has helped.
Yours
Miss_Helpful101 x
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2010): I am so sorry to hear about what happened in your childhood because it had a very big negative impact on your life and your perception as well. I suggest that you find a psychiatrist before you put forward your future plans.
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