A
female
age
41-50,
*lejeune
writes:My husband and I met 20 years ago. I was15 he17. We have been together for better part of 18 years as a couple. we separated over a year ago. We have 10 yr old daughter and 6 yr old son. Legally married 6 years. He has stayed in family home past year. Recently we have decided to pause divorce proceedings. He has had multiple sex partners this past year in my bed in our family home Ect. Can we repair marriage ? Will the picture in my head of him with other woman go away ever?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 March 2011): Only time, lots of time, will tell. People frequently reconcile and then divorce years later because of such things.
Communication, openness, honesty, and willingness to work hard, and by work hard I do mean emotionally really hard work with lots of pain and tears to go around, are required. It takes years of work by both parties.
The big question is "why" did the two of you stay together so long and then separate and plan divorce, only married 6 years after 18 years of being together, and the "what" that happened before you separated is much more likely to lead to divorce than what happened while you were separated.
A
female
reader, SillyB +, writes (5 March 2011):
 Oh this must hurt a lot! I can only imagine! YOu know, you need to go to counseling. Don't get back together, but go to counseling together. See if you can figure out the problems which lead to the separation and divorce proceedings in the first place. Once those are dealt with see if you can get over the other women.
It must be terribly difficult, the jealousy and the insecurity and pain that comes along with knowing someone that was fully yours no longer is by experiencing sex with other women. I'm sure questions arise whether the other women were more beautiful, better in bed + the whole experience of being with someone else.
However, try to understand that men deal with sex very differently. They try to forget their woes by sleeping with multiple women, the emotional bond and attachment that women have during/after sex men do not experience with casual sex. No doubt he was able to separate emotional bonding from what happened physically. I can guarantee that other then having a bit of an ego boost and feeling more like an experienced man, he thinks very little about the other women (if at all). If anything he came out of it realizing that casual sex can be empty and that he wants his family back.
However, this isn't about him and how he felt about the experience. Its about you. Its about your normal feelings of jealousy, insecurity, questions, doubts and hating the fact that it happened in your home/bed (which will be a constant reminder if you do move back in). You need to first deal with this in counseling before you consider ever getting back with him.
So 1. deal with original problems that lead to the separation and 2. deal with the women/sex partner issue. Do not move back in or officially get back together till you take counseling and deal with these issues fully. Otherwise you're setting yourself up failure and alot of hurt. Also, while your relationship is in limbo, be clear to him that he should not be sleeping with any other women at this time...
Hope this helps, good luck hun!
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (5 March 2011):
 Well if you are both wanting to give your marriage another go it will take a lot of hard work, but if you are both serious about it then yes it is possible that your relationship can be saved. As for the other woman well I guess if you want to get back with him then you need to accept that he was with them but that he was single at the time so techniqually he never done anything wrong. Talk to him about your fears and concerns and see what he thinks. Communication and honesty is the only things that will allow you both to over come this.
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