A
female
age
41-50,
*ershey
writes:I don't know what to do. last year late october, my boyfriend of 3.5 years Father was diagnosed with stomach cancer. Initially his Father had gone to the hospital with symptoms which turned out to be a mild heart attack..after testing, the cancer was found. My boyfriend and I are in a long distance relationship with frequent visits every month (been on me to go back and forth because of his job). Well when i offered to come down to support him while his dad was in the hospital, he refused me adn told me not to come..well i went anyway and his dad appeared to enjoy my visit however, my boyfriend did not. he told me in so many words he did not want me there because it is his dad and a time for his family only. keep in mind his father has had several visitors and his brother's girlfriends have all made several visits to see his father...so i couldn't understand why i was being denied. Over the months, it' sbeen really stressful wth him...he started going out to clubs with friends...getting drunk...being rude by nitpicking on me for the way i keep my hair adn reminders of things i did in the past that may not ahve been my best judgement times. he started stopping calling me when he would get in and say he didn't want me keeping tabs on him..however, if i went out and iddn't call him when i got in, he would accuse me of being with someone else. So let's just say it's been a horrible few months...everytime i try to be supportive and offer to visit, he rejects me and doesn't have time for me, barely even phoned over the past month. Only called me a few times to atlk about his feelings. I told him that i will always be there for him to support him or even to listen...well, one week ago, he phoned me up and told me he cannot be wtih me....and the news just slapped me in the face....i asked him why he doing this, he just said he not being fair to me, barely calls me and knows that i am upset and not happy with how he's acting...he then apologized for "everything i've ever done, i'm sorry". then he gave me a speech about how even the best of couples break up and get back together and get married....like what was that supposed to mean?? was it just a line? right now, i'm feeling really lost....even after he hurt me by leaving me, i still told him that i will always be tehre to listen...and he told me he loved me very much adn that he hadn't made an easy decision but it was for the best. when i asked him if it was that he never wanted to be with me again, he said he just can't be with me right now...so i assume it to mean that with his dad soo sick and keeping himself working endless hours, he is just grieving. I just worry he will go back to how he was before we dated..drinking, smoking ganja, smoking cigarettes..i don't know what to do for him. i don't want to annoy him further but at the same time, i still want to support him but i don[t understand why he doesn't want me to..it's like he just wants me to go away..and i dont' know what to do. HELP
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male
reader, C. Grant +, writes (5 March 2011):
 I was in my early 30s when my father was diagnosed with the same illness. I don't think anything in my life has ever messed me up as much as that did. I spent four months watching my best friend dying, and there wasn't a thing I could do about it. It was like someone strapped me on to a roller coaster.This may be the first such crisis your b/f has ever faced, and he's coping as best he can. From your perspective it may not be the best way to cope, but this isn't a time in his life when he's processing stuff very well. He's seeking out the company of the people closest to the situation who he feels can relate to what he's going through.To be blunt, my wife wasn't much consolation to me when I was going through this -- no fault of hers, but her parents were almost 20 years younger than mine, so she'd never had to think about losing one of them, let alone watch it happen. It was a time for blood family.In that context my advice is to back off. Let him reach out to you when that's going to be helpful to him. Let him adjust, cope, and grieve in his own way. After a while he'll get his head back on straight, and you should be able to pick up where you left off.
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