A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend is having a baby with his ex and is due very soon, I'm worried once the babys born me and my boyfriend will grow apart as he will be looking after his son and being there for his son, I don't want that to happen me and him are very close we see eachother everyday, I don't no what to do I'm scared he will forget about me. What shall I do?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2013): Contrary to what some posters have said, I don't think there is anything wrong with a man breaking up with his pregnant gf. What is so special about being pregnant that requires two people to be in a relationship with each other when they otherwise would not? I don't think it is a black mark against him at all. What if she was a jerk to him? What if she is a nasty person? He must stay in the relationship just because she is pregnant? Love doesnt matter in relationships anymore? I suppose these posters are the ones who also advise people to stay in broken marriages for the sake of the kids?OP, understand that when the kid arrives your bf WILL change if he is to be a good father. He won't completely forget about you but you will not be the center of his universe. Even if this was YOUR child with him, you would still not be the center of his universe anymore if he is a good father. Can you honestly say that if YOU just had a baby yourself, that you would still have the same amount of time and attention for your partner as before? Probably not. If he didn't have enough feelings for his ex to not break up with her in the first place, I doubt that having this kid will change that. If anything the stress of being a new parent will bring out the worst in both of them to each other and drive them further apart.
A
female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (31 October 2013):
 @CMMP - the beauty of this site is the different perspectives given based on different experiences and backgrounds. There is no bitterness in my answer. I simply see a trajectory that suggests a bit of immaturity and flakiness in this guy. That's not a good thing at all. I'll explain my point, but I don't want to start a flame war on here, so this is primarily a clarification to the OP as to where I'm coming from as well as a "fleshing out" of my answer.
She is worried about a boyfriend who will lose interest in HER when his baby by another woman is born. Something about him sparks that worry in her. It would fit if he displayed past behavior of losing interest in a woman.
It's true, but extremely and infinitesimally not likely, that she didn't tell him she was pregnant. However, based on the fact that he knew before she gave birth, I'm getting the idea that he absolutely knew and continues and was given ongoing information the whole time.
Also, it was an ex-girlfriend, not a one-night stand. Exes tend to either share the pregnancy when it happens, or they tend to keep it to themselves or lie about paternity if she didn't want him to be a part of it. Minor or major, there was one, and like a bankruptcy on a credit rating, leaving a pregnant girlfriend is a huge relationship black mark no matter how it's sliced.
There was an existing relationship between him and this other woman. That means there was a connection, meaning this baby was indeed the product of a relationship. No, relationships and babies don't necessarily go hand in hand, but that is in the case of one-night stands or FWB's. The fact that she calls her an "ex" suggests otherwise.
He also knows that it's going to be a boy, meaning he and the ex shared a long-term relationship (aka not minor) and that the ex and he are still in a measure of contact to where information is being exchanged. That in itself isn't necessarily alarming, but think about it.
He had a relationship with the ex. The relationship resulted in the ex becoming pregnant. In that timeframe, they break up, he starts dating someone else while his ex was pregnant. They date to the point where the new couple have already started calling each other "boyfriend and girlfriend" in this time period. That is ultra fast. This guy flames on/flames off in relationship department, showing immaturity. Unless he was already seeing this girl while he was with his ex (which would be the catalyst of her breaking up with him - his CHEATING on his pregnant girlfriend, which I'm not jumping to that conclusion, but possible and would REALLY explain her being nervous), this progressed lightning fast.
I don't like guys who leave pregnant girlfriends and become obsessive about new relationships before their babies are even born. I make that conclusion based on the OP's statement that they see each other every day. She also is worried that the baby will take his time away, meaning this relationship is WHITE-hot and has a high burnout possibility.
I stand by my earlier assessment, that he's got red flags all over him. However, I respect your point of view as being valid, CMMP. Different opinions are awesome, and I actually like being disagreed with, as it helps me learn about the person disagreeing with me as well as the possibility of another explanation. I'm not bitter about this guy -- I just see a pattern of destructive behavior that shows a red flag about this guy. Their relationship for practical reasons will become very hamstrung based on this guy's need to pay child support for years and be a dad as well as a young man/student ages 18-21 (unless he's much older). I'm suggesting she get out of this before more damage is done, and based on his track record, I'd also be nervous if I were her. It's a good instinct she's having.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2013): He has an ex and baby on the way. His life it bound to be taken up partly with supporting his son. And rightly so. You are young and really do you want to be involved in a situation that will need a mature head? It won't be easy. His ex will need to be in his life because they are parents. You will need to make allowances. At your age you shouldn't have to. So go carefully.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (30 October 2013):
@Youwish: Is there something you know about this guy that's not being shared here? I can't believe the bitterness in your answer towards someone you know practically nothing about.
Pregnancy and relationships don't always go hand in hand. It could have been a minor relationship a day she might have dumped him for all you know. Maybe she didn't even tell him she was pregnant until after he met the Op...
So, to the op: I think you're worrying about something that's likely to not be an issue. There's no reason he needs to abandon you because he has a baby. He may be spread a little thin, but it'll be okay.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (30 October 2013):
Actually, this guy is really bad news. If there's one thing that screams "RED FLAG" in terms of guys never to date, it's a guy who abandons his pregnant girlfriend AND DATES another before that baby is even born!
He treated the mother of his son or daughter horribly. He flaked out, drops the mom like she's worthless, and now you're worried about him flaking on you when the baby is born? Absolutely he could flake on you for any reason, because he IS a flake, and he'll drop you the second you demand too much, or get pregnant, or when times get tough.
It's disgusting what he did to his ex. I think you need to re-examine your priorities when it comes to your standards for guys. You might want to keep a morning-after pill on standby as well, as this guy doesn't seem to have a grip on safe sex either.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2013): He won't forget about you, he might get caught up in being a new father. It will be a time of bonding between and his new-born son. So everyone outside that bonding period, might feel neglected and ignored. New wives and mothers often complain how they feel left-out; when new-daddy bonds with baby. After they did all the hard work and heavy-lifting. He forgot they were even around during the pregnancy.That's because it's a very new experience, if this is his first. He will get used to it, and come down from the initial high from it all. There are many realities he must face with this responsibility. You will prove more than needed support during this time.He will not be around for the nightly feedings, and will not share the experience of losing sleep; while the infant cries at night. He will hardly participate in changing disposable diapers; because he doesn't live with his son. New-born mothers don't part with their infants; so that baby is not leaving her side to be with him. Trust me.He will spend a lot of time when he can. With being a father, comes working to feed and support the child. Not just holding him in your arms and feeling macho. He left someone alone and pregnant. You took him into your life with full knowledge of this. Yet you decided to attach your feelings all the same.Adjust your feelings to deal with the situation; just as you did when you knew he had recently left a pregnant woman for you. Your unspoken fear, is of his rekindling feelings for the baby's mama. That's the chance you took from the start.The baby is innocent in all of this. Now is the time to let your boyfriend know that you will not be waiting around feeling left-out. You still expect his attention and to be respected. You can't allow your feelings cast aside; or you will walk. Then back up what you say.Otherwise; quietly and happily support him. Welcome the joy of his new baby.Just keep in mind, the timing for all this was up to you from the beginning. Too late for second-thoughts.
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