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anonymous
writes:I left my wife of 20 years about a year and a half ago. We had been arguing for most of our marriage about everything possible (money, how to bring up the children etc.) and had no common interests, and I just had enough so I found a flat and left. I didn't leave for anyone else, although I now have a FWB.But every time my wife and I have to meet to discuss things like our children or legal matters, she breaks down and cries and says she still loves me and wants me back. She still says I was a lousy husband and father, but she wants me back (sorry, but I don't understand the logic there).This makes me feel awful because of the hurt I have caused. I know that my children will eventually come to terms with our split because they will have their own lives to lead, their own successes and their own failures, but I have the dreadful feeling that my wife will spend the rest of her life crying and not moving on (we're in our late 40s).Divorced aunts, please tell me that it isn't so. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 June 2014): Well, why not spend a little time trying to understand the logic of your wife? It's not so impossible for a woman to still love a man that she argued with all the time...arguing becomes a really bad habit and one that can be sorted out and changed with marriage counselling. Despite the fact that you say you were a kinda lousy husband and Dad she still loves you. She wants you back and she wants it to work. Why not take her up on it instead of just saying you don't get it? It doesn't seem like you have any MAJOR objections, just that you couldn't really be bothered in the past to find ways to not argue with her and you both fell into the trap of taking each other for granted and not finding stuff that you like doing together - there must be some things you'd both like, but with 3 kids it's entirely possible you never got around to finding out what they are. Taking on a FWB is just a way of avoiding having a proper relationship. Honestly, that's kids stuff. And proper relationships require time and thought spent in order to stop bad habits and develop good ones. Why not give it another go, with marriage counselling?
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reader, BrownWolf  +, writes (5 June 2014):
 I was once in your place…argued about everything, and was ready to leave. I went on vacation alone to see my mother, and had a good talk with her about what was going on, and she opened my eyes to something. What was that something… What had I done wrong?? What have I done to correct the wrongs in our relationship? Answer…Nothing. I was like you…blamed her for everything and did not, did not want to, or could not see my own faults.Once I learned to accept my part in destroying my marriage, my life changed. As a man, a husband, and a father, it is your job to bring peace in your home and maintain that peace. Only COWARDS run, and fools blame others for their mistakes when they also had a part in it. When I came back from my vacation, I took my wife to restaurant straight from the airport. I told her how I felt. I apologise for my part in making us weak in our relationship, and I set the guidelines of where I wanted us to go moving forward. So I learned… When I man up as a Husband, Father, Friend, and lover to my wife…I got what I wanted…PEACE. Was it easy? Of course not. I was still tested, our relationship tested even more. But I now knew my role as a husband. I stuck to that role, and our marriage is now amazing. In every relationship someone must lead. If you failed in that role, your wife will feel the need to do it for you. This will cause massive arguments in any relationship where there is no leadership. I did say to be her boss, but as a husband, you must make the wise leadership decisions that are best for your family and home. Lead with wisdom, not dominance, with calm, not anger. Do this and you will see the changes before your very eyes.Your wife is a really woman and wife. You said “She still says I was a lousy husband and father, but she wants me back (sorry, but I don't understand the logic there).” She is correct. But she believes in you, and was hoping that you will man up and be the husband and father she wants you to be. She believes in “For good times or bad times,” A real wife, and strong woman, much stronger than you. With all the arguing and all the troubles…she did not run, she stuck to her vows.Anyone who has had a divorce and is still filled with anger, resentment, bitterness, hate, and other destructive feelings, will tell you what you are doing is the right thing to do. But I ask you those same questions…What have you done wrong in your relationship to destroy it? What have you done to correct those wrongs? Judge yourself before judging your wife. Make sure you have no faults before you say “I have done everything I can.”
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reader, Honeypie  +, writes (5 June 2014):
 20 years is a long time to "just get over". Maybe for her it's the matter of not WANTING to be alone, more then WANTING to be with you.
Better the "devil" you know.
My husband divorced his ex wife 25 years ago, she never remarried and haven't dated seriously since. They had been married for only 2 1/2 years. Somehow she spend YEARS blaming ME for her single status.
So some women CHOOSES to not move on. Others don't.
My suggestion is to nip these conversations in the bud. Whenever she starts with a I want you back yada yada you need to tell her it's not going to happen and change the subject. SOONER or later she will realize that she is WASTING her life waiting for you. But being there for her when she throws those pity parties GIVES her hope that MAYBE you will change your mind.
I know that you want her to be OK on her own, to move on too, but you have to remember not all people move on at the same pace.
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