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age
30-35,
anonymous
writes: I am scared of marriage and children. I love children but when I see them I do not know how to even ask for their name. I sound mean most of the time and this scares them away.I and my twin sister, brother moved out of my fathers house when I was 7 years old. We were so humiliated we had to move out. Our father first moved us to the storage room as there were many times he threw our things out. He had his other kids living with him, the room he chased us out of was where he put his favorite kids. He told I and my sister never to enter his room. He chased my brother out at age 16. When we left to my mom's mother's house, she also ill treated us, hid food from us, and treated a part of her grand kids more and threw us out of the house. The most painful thing is that we had to beg our father to allow us back. He only allowed I and my sister. I remember crying that day telling my mom I did not want to go back. There was nothing she could do. My mom was once rich until she was duped. since then she had given up on life, she can't even take care of her self talk less of us. Since we had been with our dad, it had been hell. He makes us cook for prostitutes all because he feels he's doing us a favor of giving us money. When I think of all this, I feel what if this same thing happens to me when I get married cos am very picky when it comes to picking men and i have almost the same attitude as my mother. I do not want to be like her. Even when my mom is given money she is not productive, she always asks for more just like oliver twist. I am tired and I haven't dated the best of guys either and this terrifies me. I want to be happy. Do you think I am likely to have a problem in the future with this mindset?
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female
reader, Abella  +, writes (8 September 2012):
 hi
I totally agree with Candid Cally that you do need counselling.
However you may need it for several years to help you work through some serious issues. If your College has any limits on how long you can seek therapy then you may be better off finding a private counsellor, if you can afford that.
And at the moment you are very badly affected by the TOXIC PARENTS you have endured. Hence the book I recommended as it has many real examples, including parents who use their money to try to control their adult children.
At the moment i think your skill-set will cause relationships to suffer. So without good on-going therapy you will go on to replicate the mistakes of your parents.
For that reason you do need to learn about alternatives to parenting, living, co-habiting the way your parents have been behaving all your life.
This is not easy.
To turn your back on all you grew up knowing as 'normal'.
Don't let the hate eat away at your heart.
Don't allow your parents to steal away with your future happiness.
step away from your family. If you do meet up with siblings then don't meet in your father's home,
All the fancy homes, cars, swimming pools and the money will NOT compensate you if you find in ten years time that you have developed into a person who manipulates just like the people in your family.
Earn the true respect of others by learning to act in ways that are full of consideration. compassion for others, respect for others.
And ensure that the only way your old children receive money is by completing chores. And not a lot of money either.
The trust must be there to establish and maintain good relationships
To change the behaviour of others (not worth trying) it is far better to Change your behaviour and actions, for the Better and then see how the react.
Things can only get beter,?
A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 September 2012): I don't believe you have a "mindset" - I think that, having fully read through your question, you've just been badly badly hurt emotionally. With no disrespect meant, there are guys out there who are far far more caring and considerate than your father, and they would treat you right and hopefully 'fix you' (to reference a Coldplay song).
I'm only a few years older than you, at 25, and haven't even given proper thought to having children yet, but I'm... apprehensive about it because I don't yet know what I need to do to look after them, etc. I'd say that it is completely natural to feel like this.
Hope this helps.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 September 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you so much
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A
female
reader, Candid Cally +, writes (7 September 2012):
Anomena...i have read all of your questions.
My heart goes out to you. Your life has been extraordinarily difficult. I am happy to read elsewhere that you are working on a college degree and will be pursuing a masters degree as well. An education is a valuable tool you can use to your advantage and get a career so you can move away from your disturbing home life.
Your college should have a counseling center. Most colleges do. I urge you to visit and make an appointment to speak with a professional counselor about everything you have been through. Your meetings with the professional will be entirely confidential. Only a professional can assist you with overcoming the emotional barriers that your disturbing childhood created.
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