A
female
age
41-50,
*ona1111
writes:I am 45 with a teenage daughter. My husband is good but has no time or interest in me. I tried all ways to get him interested in me, but he is keen only in earning more money. He is not bad but a very very boring man. But he is a great dad.I even begged my hubby to divorce me but he says he loves me and I can do whatever I want to with my life but not leave him. So, I met this guy six years ago who is married too but separated from his wife of 14 years. He and his wife live in the same city, have a son too. His wife walked out of the matrimonial house when the boy was 5 and has been living with her parents. In spite of his repeated requests, she never returned. But they keep meeting once in 2-3 months and message when some need is there. But he is banned from meeting his son. She wants him to move out of his house n live with her and her parents, but he has an ailing old mom so can’t move out of his house. He used to cry for his son, but she never let him see the boy for the past two years.I got into an affair with this man that lasted for six years. He kept saying that he does not love her but wants her in his life for his son. Secretly behind my back he was messaging her and begging her to return home though he said he loved me only. So I continued this affair without much guilt as they both never had any physical or emotional relationship after she moved out.Suddenly his wife found all the emails and pics we shared over the period of 6 years and became crazy. She threatened him with a divorce. I was surprised because they hardly met after she left and both haven’t seen each other in the past two years. However, she felt that he has been two-timing her as he was still married to her and still asking her to return home for the past eight years.I know that for sure because I went to this guys house as a friend many times and met with his mom who used to cry that DIL left the house.Unfortunately, when the things came out , the guy panicked and dumped me saying that all has to end and that he was worried that she would open up everything and forward those emails n pics to his friends and relatives. So he begged me to ‘keep a low profile’ for one year and not contact me at all. When I asked him if his marriage meant this much to him then why he had to two timed me as well! I asked him why he did not leave me and worked on his marriage? I lost six years of my life and never made any effort to gain my hubby’s love in these six years.In these five years of our affair, I, almost daily, would ask him if he had any plans of getting back together with his wife and he ALWAYS denied and even used to get mad at me for repeatedly asking the same question.I did not break their home; it was already broken even before I entered his life. His wife asked him for a divorice many times before but he never gave as he feared that he would lose access to his son forever.Now his wife is accusing him of WhatsApp by sending messages, and I have no clue what he is responding. But he said he did not confess to her yet and would so ‘sometime later when things cool down.’ I did so much for him including cleaning his office, cooking for him, cooking for his mom, buying gifts on his behalf to his mom, buying expensive stuff for him( he had no money), ironing his clothes, getting his office things repaired for him, so on and on and on. There is nothing I didn’t do it for him though he was very rude to me many times.Now he is just sends me SMS twice a week asking how I am. Thats it. When I asked about his status with his wife, he said she is still mad at him but did nothing about divorce but may do anytime/may not too.When I asked him if he wants to give his marriage a second chance and when I asked him ihe says ‘ i don’t know’! He is not meeting his wife as he is very scared but says he would meet when things cooled down and when her anger reduces. The wife did threaten to divorce but did not go ahead. She wants him to confess to him that he did have this affair but the man is still not doing it. They both did not even meet or try to reconcile yet. But he is very scared and asked me not to talk to him . I I’m not able to recover from this terrible shock; I don’t want to go to any counselor.I’m devastated. I put in all my efforts into this relationship through its immoral, illegal, whatever. It was not just an affair, he was my best friend too. Maybe I should have ended this long time back but he never let me. Now even the friendship is gone. Will he ever come back to me at least as a friend? How can she even question him now when she left him 8 years ago and never let the son and dad bond? This happened a month ago and she neither filed for a divorce as she threatened nor she is putting any restrictions on him not to talk to me nor trying to reconcile with him. What actually is going on there between them?
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affair, best friend, divorce, money, moved out, period Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 August 2018): Your married affair partner sounds as if he is more invested in his wife than you. I think that the best thing you can do would be to back away from this situation. Try to concentrate on YOUR life and YOUR future and try to forget about him. As you have said that you have stopped interacting with anyone, so maybe you agree with this. This isn't making you happy is it? So, what's the point? We can want something to work out the way we want it to, but, as you know, sometimes all the wishing in the world, doesn't get you what you want and it's best to cut your losses and see if you can find happiness somewhere else. With your husband's blessing, by the sound of it.Good luck and I think that within a fairly short space of time, you will breathe a sigh of relief to have all this drama and wondering and wishing out of your system, so you can go and concentrate on living YOUR life. In fact, that might be what this is all about....distraction from your unhappy marriage. It stops you having to think about that maybe?
A
female
reader, mona1111 +, writes (29 August 2018):
mona1111 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionShe left him many years ago when she and her kid walked out of his home and never returned. She left him because he was an irresponsible husband ( He himself told me that). Though he is not a wife-beater /alcoholic, he was a happy-go-lucky man, with little earnings and no responsibility. She, on the other hand, is in a senior position in an MNC. She wanted a separate home for themselves but he wanted to stay in a joint family. So, she left him in 2010 ( after 5 years of marriage) assuming him to return to her in a few months.But he never did till she threatened him for a divorce in 2014. He was scared of divorce tried to go and live with her parents for one year but it did not workout so he returned to his home. Now he stays with his ailing mom alone. So he begged wife to return home but she never did and even stopped meeting him for the last 2 years. But they would message each other regarding bank work, kid - all need-based. But no meeting the kid!He used to daily cry for his son. He begged her to at least let him meet his son but she refused. I saw their chat exchanges. Now, after this affair is out, I really don't know how they would reconcile ! Because they dont even stay together . He says he hid most of the affair stuff saying someone edited the mails.And how can he hide all the details of the affair when she read all our mails/saw pics.now his main worry is his wife's threat to file for divorce and her threats to disclose everything to his very old mom. His mom cant take it and he is worried about it. He is also worried that his son would hate him for all this.But it has been a month now since the affair is out but the wife did nothing. No divorce, no reconciliation.But what I dont understand is why is he telling me all this? What does he expect me to do? I told him to come clean about the affair completely with his wife and stop contacting me. Because he doesnt want to divorce herHe said he wants to wait and watch. I dont know what it exactly means.May be he still wants to work everything out with his wife. Though i dont see how a marriage which was dead 8 years ago can suddenly work after the affair that too when both of them are staying apart. My marriage never did though we stay for 22 years under the same roof.May be Im wrong and may be he loved is wife a lot. Im so upset, I stopped interacting with anyone.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 August 2018): Hi
It sounds to me as if there is a chance that this man you have had an affair with, is the antagonist in his marriage.
Think about it. Why would his wife leave in the first place? Why would she try to stop him from meeting his son?
Maybe there are things about him that you haven't seen yet.
Maybe he has been trying to reconcile with his wife and things were going fairly well. But now, she's angry and he's getting in touch with you.
Sounds to me as if she may have been willing to try to reconcile, but he again, showed his true colours and she has had enough and wants him to leave her alone for good. Hence the sudden invitation from him for you to accompany him to the Open.
Try to see him as the villain in all this and things start to make more sense.
You also said that he has been rude to you many times.
I get the feeling that this guy is not nice and that his wife has had all she can take.
Watch out.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 August 2018): I guess you will taste your karma until you decide to behave like a good wife, be a kinder person, and respect your husband.
You're a hot mess. You may not have any belief in a Divine Being; but God as I know Him, will give us many opportunities to redeem ourselves. He is endlessly merciful. We are allowed to correct mistakes and get back on the right-track.
Consider yourself blessed that you have a kind, loving, and forgiving husband; in spite of your ways, you are being given a chance to correct your mistakes.
Until you do, you're going to remain confused, lonely, and in a mess. The other man is being kept out of your reach; and you are both miserable for what you're doing. Things will only change when do.
Your co-conspirator's wife maintains her hold. He cannot see his child, his sins are exposed to his family; and he lives in great shame and fear. That's his karma!
You can't fight the will of God. Whether you're a believer or not. Return to your husband and behave yourself.
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A
female
reader, mona1111 +, writes (28 August 2018):
mona1111 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi, I , many times, requested my husband to divorce me. But he doesnot. I cant divorce him on any grounds as he is a perfect gentleman. I have no grounds to divorce him on. He wont leave me.My AP never let me go out of the relationship. Yes, I didnt want to leave too. Both of us did try to remain friends but we couldnt. after all this came out, I stopped my contact with him, blocked him from social media though I didnot block him on my phone.3 days back he called me suddenly and told me that he was missing me and asked me if I would like to join him for Australian Open in 2019. I am not sure if he was drunk or whatever but he sounded very upset. He said that his wife is still mad at him. Her parents are mad at him. And they all now want his ailing mom to know about the affair so that she too gets hurt. He was more worried about it.They both didnt still meet in person ( thats what he said) and she is too angry to reconcile and wants a divorce.They have been staying separate for over 9 years now and he was banned by her from seeing his son for 2 years now so Im still wondering how she expected him to be loyal to her.This man, who suddenly realized the importance to save his marriage ( he doesnt want divorce) once the affair came out, is calling me now and talking about missing me and asking me to come to Australia and asking me to send pics of mine!!!!!!! Why now?He doesnt want to divorce her, cant live with her, want to see his child ( but put in no efforts to do so). So why is he calling me and saying that we can never meet anytime soon and that he miss me and so on....Why cant he simply go back to his wife and beg for forgiveness and try to make his marriage work?Does he think he is just being sympathetic or whatever? That he owes me some nice words before the final disconnect? or he wants to stay in touch with me?Im so confused, I dont know what to do. I cant move on, I shared so much with him in these 5.5 years.I cant block him or be rude to him. But I dont want to get hurt again by him. If he cant stay with me forever then he should not ever come back to me. But I cant even say that to him.May be he will try for some more time and stop talking to me forever. May be he called me to check if I am moving on or not. I dont know. Im so hurt, I simply want to die.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 August 2018): I doubt it. You've put yourself in a mess. You're trapped in an unhappy marriage with a man who doesn't treat you right. You jumped into bed with another man hoping he would solve all your problems. Once the fun is over, your problems are still staring at you in the face. You need to leave your husband, find yourself again and then date single men.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 August 2018): Compelling story for a movie or a novel; but real-life requires you to go back to your husband, and cut this nonsense out.
Please don't insult anyone's intelligence here that your husband won't divorce you; but you can do anything you want. If you live in India; nothing can be farther from the truth! He would never bear such shame and embarrassment before his parents, family, or your neighbors. He has a reputation and public-standing to uphold; and I find it hard to believe he'd allow you to freely mess-around in an open-marriage. The gossip would run you out of your neighborhood. If anything, it's all behind his back!
If you are Hindus; you can file for divorce without mutual consent. It's complicated; but an attorney can walk you through the procedure. If you're not Hindu; you will have to consult with a divorce attorney who will determine what laws or courts will grant a divorce, by filing a petition when your spouse refuses consent.
I think if you keep messing with that woman's husband she's going to bash your brains out. I understand crimes of passion are on the rise in India. Some get-off with only a few years in prison. Watch yourself!
I also believe your husband might be allowing you to commit adultery; so he has the upper-hand in an eventual divorce, where he can toss you into the street penniless. He can also receive full-custody, if you have children. Only, I think you've carried on your affair in secret; because you're clever. Your husband probably provides very well for you; and maybe you've just decided to carry on your own personal soap opera behind his back. In irony, he may be carrying-on his own adulterous-affair! That may explain his lack of interest. He refuses divorce, because traditional-parents frown on the idea of divorce.
In any case, I think things are getting pretty heated; and you might meet a terrible karma. You need to leave that woman's husband alone; and concentrate on your own marriage.
Even if your husband consents to an open-marriage; he has the final-word in all this. I don't foresee things going well for you regarding your lover, or your marriage.
What's going on in the other guy's marriage is none of your business.
You don't want counseling, and you're chasing a married-man, and you claim your husband doesn't mind what you do. I guess you should try and find yourself another affair.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (25 August 2018):
 Their relationship is THEIR problem and THEIR business, nothing to do with YOU.
You cannot blame him for "using" you when you willingly put yourself in this situation. I am amazed that you have the audacity to blame your lover for you not putting effort into your marriage. Did he handcuff you or keep you prisoner in some way? No. You were free to leave any time you wanted. Just because you were too WEAK to leave, does not mean you couldn't. You have learned the hard way that, regardless of what married lovers tell you, when the chips are down, they will seldom choose their lover over their spouse. It doesn't even sound like he treated you well (he was rude to you many times?) so why did you stay? And why would you want him back, knowing he will dump you without a second thought as soon as his estranged wife snaps her fingers?
You are obviously not happy with your husband. If you stay married, the only men who are likely to want a relationship with you will be other married men and the pattern will keep repeating itself. You need to make a decision on what you want/need from your life and then go for it.
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