A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:I used to be quite the devoted christian girl; at high school I was even the leader of certain girl-focused cell groups were I'd encourage girls about valueing themselves by waiting till marriage to have sex. And now, a year later and at university, everything's changed. I know longer believe in God and the idea that a women's best value and gift to a man is her vagina. I've developed quite a passion for women's rights and believe girls offer so much more than that in a loving relationship/marriage.My dilemma is the fact that my old high school friends are still in touch with me. We often give each other advice on boys. I remember encouraging my best friend on refraining from sex with her boyfriend so that he'd value her. And now I feel guilty about the way I've kept her from enjoying herself and how I might have swamped her sexual confidence and esteem by suggesting that.What is even worse is that I like someone and definitely plan on having safe, mutual sex with him, but I don't want to sound like a hypocrite who is suddenly undecided in her values. And because they are my friends, I WANT to be able to talk to them about sex and not hide it; to laugh about silly girl problems, advise each other on contraceptives, give each other silly sex tips and basically just feel free around them!I feel like if they find out I have changed in my views so drastically in a matter of months, they will never take me seriously again.And I really want my friend to enjoy herself with her boyfriend without guilt and feel free to keep seeking advice from me.
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male
reader, no nonsense Aidan +, writes (29 December 2014):
This is interesting because I think what’s happened here is that you have so completely rejected your previous religious beliefs, that you can’t see how that doesn’t necessarily mean completely rejecting the views and values that you held, which were in large part shaped by those religious beliefs. I don’t think Christian teaching implies at all that a woman’s greatest gift to a man is her vagina any more than it suggests that a man’s greatest gift to a woman is his penis. Whether you agree or not that a person must wait until marriage for sex, I think the point of those teachings is that a person should love and value you, and that waiting until marriage ensures sex occurs within the context of a loving relationship. It must be a marriage because that is a solemn and binding commitment in the eyes of God, but do you no longer believe even that sex should occur in the context of a loving relationship? You said you want to have sex with your boyfriend and that you really like each other, but could you have been so confident of that if you’d had sex straight away just because you both wanted it?
Do you not believe there is value in waiting until you are sure that you actually like the person for who they are, and that they feel the same about you?
I think you feel guilty because that advice previously came from your religious convictions, but can’t those beliefs adapt at all? Even if you dropped your insistence on waiting until marriage, have you really damaged your friends by advising caution and waiting? Do you really think everything about that advice was wrong? Perhaps you may feel more at ease talking openly about sex. Perhaps if you don’t believe in waiting until marriage, you will tell your friends that they have a greater degree of control than you previously might, over when they are ready for sex, and yes you may need to be frank with them that your viewpoint has changed. However I can’t imagine for a second that everything about your previous advice was wrong and that you can’t reconsider it with the absence of specific rules you believed because of your religious viewpoint.
There is value in waiting, in holding back, when it comes to sex, and I don’t say that as a Christian (although I am one), but because I’ve been on this site nearly 4 years.
I think you are embarking on a journey of discovery about your sexuality, your beliefs, your moral compass and your understanding of what’s important about relationships. That can be unsettling, difficult and hard to manage, as well as exciting and liberating. I wish you the best of luck with that and every happiness in your relationship. Like most people I’ve changed my mind at times, sometimes on small things, sometimes in profound ways like you have done, but it’s always worth remembering that not everything about what you used to do, say or think, has to change as a result. Don’t beat yourself up about this.
I wish you all the very best.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2014): There is always a drastic change in our high school attitudes and experience, from that of the more informed and experienced perceptions and judgement we have in college.
You were on the right track, and your passions were in the right place. I am sure they didn't give you complete power over their lives and decisions as to what they did with their bodies. If teens defy the wishes of their parents in that particular area; they aren't likely to listen to advice to avoid "sex" based on the words of someone they consider their total equal. What real experience did you have to back any of it up, back then!
You will grow and change yet again through your journey in life. I wouldn't put as much emphasis on your disbelief in God; which may be more controversial, and a lot more difficult for them handle. That is, if they come from a certain system of values taught by their parents and culture. Spiritually, you have your right to your opinion and beliefs. You don't have a right to cram them down anyone's throat, or expect them to accepted without
resistance. Some may dismiss the fact you're an ex-Christian, and some of your friends may dismiss YOU.
Hypocrisy runs rampant in religion. As long as you don't base or blame everything on your religion. You make your own choices, and create your own opinions. They know what's fact and what's opinion; and will forgive you based on these values and circumstances. If your stances are too controversial and you come on too strong about your opinions; that in itself will be off-putting.
They have their own minds and don't necessarily need or will always consider your opinions. You can pool them as long as you yourself are open-minded and don't get on a soapbox to discount the opinions of the other girls. That will determine if they will keep you within the fold.
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