A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I have been dating for around two years and have an apartment together. We have been very happy together. Recently, my boyfriend's ex came back from a study abroad program in Europe. When they split up after dating for 4 years, they mutually decided they could not continue the fighting, arguing, etc, but his ex immediately tried to get him back and has made repeated efforts to provocatively text him, message him, etc. He wants to stay friends with her and be on good terms. Once she left for Europe, she would only send the occasional email and their contact was the minimal "Hey, how've you been?" sort of thing. She has been back in the US for two days and has already called his parents to tell them about her trip (since she was good friends with them during her relationship to my bf). She talked to his little sister and is going with his family to his little sister's dance recital later this week too. My boyfriend and I are in a different state so there is no way he can hang out with her or see her anytime soon, but today she messaged him throughout the entire day (even through his work hours) with pics of her trying on different heels. They were waist-down, with her butt sticking out in a pair of skinny jeans. He thought shoe shopping through her pics was a "funny break in his day", and shrugged it off to me. He also hasn't hidden any texts from me.Later, my boyfriend and I cuddled up to watch a movie and he kept checking his phone. I asked him about it and he told me that his ex never replied and they were mid-conversation. He asked if I was mad that he was talking to her and I said no, but lightly suggested that he still liked her. He of course denied this and said he's just glad to have her as a friend. I can't help but feel uncomfortable about this but do not want to tell him he can't talk to her because I don't want to put a restriction on him that will make him feel like I don't trust him. I also don't want to look like the mean girlfriend who won't let him have friends. At the same time, I know his ex has feelings for him, and I don't want to be second-best in any guy's eyes. Do you think this constant texting will slow down on its own after a couple days of "catching up", or do you think it will evolve into more personal conversations? Am I being insecure? Is this normal? What can I do?
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2013): The guy isn't over his ex, and she is reconnecting by spending time with his family and sending him pics and texts messages. He keeps an eye on his phone, because it's working.When he asked if it bothered you, he was pretending it was only innocent; and you lied instead of telling him it made you uncomfortable. You gave him permission to accept her messages. Knowing the full context of all her communications to your boyfriend.They are being too chummy. She is strategically angling her way back into his life, by picking up where she left off. Using his parents, his sister, and eventually she'll reel him in. Correction, she already has his attention.Take notice and then take action. Will it wear off? Only if she stops. She wants him back.People rarely just want to be friends after breaking up. One, or both, didn't get over the breakup. It rarely works out if they do get back together; because old problems tend to resurface, and reality sets in. They reconnect based on the nostalgia for the best times in their relationship. There was a reason to breakup. He kept his heart on hold hoping she'd comeback to him. They stayed in touch for that reason. He needed you to end the loneliness as he waited.She has done the things she wanted to do. She has pursued her academic credentials and she has lived abroad. She has now returned to reclaim her romantic interest. She is smooth and calculating. She has impressed his family; and gotten their forgiveness for her absence. She has the finesse of a sultry actress in a film from the 40's.You have to face the facts and deal with this straight on.Don't wait to be pushed aside, deal with it while it is early on, and she hasn't dug her claws deeper into his heart. That woman is relentless.I'm afraid the prognosis isn't a good one. He never gave up on the hope that she would return. She made her way back into the hearts of all of the people closest to him; and they all seem to love and miss her. She is new and improved.If I were in your place, I would break up with him and leave while my dignity was still intact. He would have to prove to me it was all worth the effort. If you feel secure he will stay, prepare for a long and difficult journey.
A
female
reader, Got Issues  +, writes (11 June 2013):
 It sounds like she is trying to get him back and he is enjoying the attention. Don't tell him to stop texting her, but tell him it upsets you and let him decide what to do. If he is truly considerate about your feelings he will stop contacting her. If he enjoys flirting with her and thinks it's OK to continue to do so, you may have a problem on your hands because that would show a lack of respect for you as his girlfriend. Being friends with an ex is OK for some, but she obviously wants more and that's not OK if he's in a relationship with you.
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A
female
reader, sugarplum786  +, writes (11 June 2013):
 You do have a problem that she is making a play for your BF, however the bigger problem is your BF is entertaining her. It will not take long to rekindle with an ex if they had real good chemistry. This is dangerous and it depends on the strength of his love for you and the relationship. If i were you I would tell him to switch the phone off in the evening as you would like him all to yourself. This way atleast in teh evenings she is out of his life. But you cannot go on like this, teh ex need to be told its inappropriate to text him seductive messages and does she know you are his GF?
Your BF is enjoying her attention.
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A
male
reader, TrancedRhythmEar  +, writes (11 June 2013):
 That shoe shopping bs is ur huge red flag. Hes not over her.
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A
female
reader, Queen_mermaid  +, writes (11 June 2013):
Your boyfriend ex texting him to be friend and sending him pictures of her wearing heels and so on is definitely not normal. The way you described, she is trying to get him back. Is she trying to seduce him with her butt or is your boyfriend a foot fetish person?You should be proud that your boyfriend did not hide you any texts. But how can you be sure he did not actually? Only he will know that.It was a good occation to talk to your boyfriend about it when he asked if you are mad at him for texting her. You should talk to him. Let him know you feel uncomfortable and insecure when they talk to each other. Don't be mean to him. Ask him how would he feel if you keep texting your ex for a whole day or ask him if he would feel comfortable if you would befriend your ex. You are definitely not putting restrictions on him. He can make friends But why his ex only?No this constant texting will not slow down so soon as you think!! You messed up things by telling your boyfriend no you are not mad at him for texting her. You sounded ok with this and he is taking it normally.Girl, do something before your boyfriend distance from you
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2013): I've had a girl text me pictures of different outfits once, but we were always friends and never got into anything, it was for a date with my best friend.
Unfortunately, she is going to be in your life as she is friends with your boyfriends family. Him receiving pictures like that though is inappropriate especially since they have dated for four years before.
I say you are being normal if your certain she has feelings for him, he should be aware of how this can make you feel. I'm sure if you started texting your ex and brushing it off like it's nothing and kept texting everyday he'd wouldn't like it.
Myself, I wouldn't take this as acceptable behavior and would make it clear I'm uncomfortable with me getting just as much attention as there ex.
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