A
female
age
36-40,
*rmyofme
writes:I am 23 and have a 25 year old boyfriend who I love very much, he has many wonderful qualities. However, after 2 years together I am becoming frustrated by the seemingly immature aspects of his personality and the sense that the relationship isn't moving forward. Since we have been together for 2 years and can afford to do so, I would like for us to move in together. Although he is adamant that he would like for us to do this someday, "in a couple of years", I often get the feeling that that 'someday' will prove pretty elusive. He is 25 and has never moved out of home despite earning a very good wage since he turned 20. He has zero responsibilities around the house; his mum gets up an hour early to make sure he wakes up for work. She makes his bed. She does all of his washing and ironing (I was shocked to learn a year into our relationship that he had in fact never under any circumstances used a washing machine). She cooks all of his meals, and calls him every day to ask what he would like for his tea. His mum and dad both eat what he would like to eat. His older brother did not move out until he was almost 30, despite the fact he had been with his girlfriend for almost 6 years at the point they moved in together. He had also been in a financial position to do so from a young age.And more about his mother; my boyfriend lets her talk down to me. She has what some may call a "straight talking" attitude, to put it politely. Just tonight when my boyfriend was getting wound up about something or other as we were all sat in the lounge, she announced "It's not like you to get wound up, son.. I was just saying to the girls at work today you're always so calm and never get angry.. and then you have a radgey f***ing girlfriend who's always in a mood, ha!". Although a little taken aback, I bit my tongue and ignored the comment. My boyfriend's response to this was to change the subject and leave the room to make coffee. Moments later he appeared in the doorway behind her view frantically waving me out of the lounge so that he could apologise for his mum's comment. When I asked why he felt the need to point out the inappropriateness of his mother's behaviour to me, since it was already pretty apparent to me, rather than his actual mother, he became defensive and said she was only joking! I really do try to see the best in people as I go about my life, but I am forced to consider that aspects of her behaviour, such as sitting us miles apart at family gatherings then leaving me alone in the kitchen to do the washing up and her thinly veiled vitriolic comments ("jokes"), are designed to drive a wedge between us.I am so hurt and confused at the moment. I feel as though we could potentially have a very bright future if my boyfriend is able to cut the apron strings and make some real commitments. However, with each hurt I'm finding it more and more difficult to imagine this will ever happen, despite his assurances that this is what he wants.I would really appreciate any input/advice on this. Am I wasting my time with this guy? Should I keep the faith or quit while we're ahead?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 August 2011): First of all, people have different relationships with their family, usually people who have had a happy childhood/upbringing, you have to look at your relationship with your own family and your own childhood. maybe you have not had such a happy childhood, therefore you will not have these connections to your family.
The fact that he apologised after his mother made this comment means he was aware the comment was wrong, and you should not be angry with him, as he was thinking about your feelings.
But you must realise, you don't get to choose your parents or other family and the majority of people will always see the best in their family, as i'm sure you do, it is possible he feels the same about your parents, maybe they have traits he doesn't like or is unsure of, this is a common problem with relationships, as family life can vary so much, and naturally, if it feels different to yours, it feels like it's different to everyones, when it's just as likely you and your family is just as different to the norm.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 August 2011): well I have to say I go out and now live with an italian man and I dont think they ever cut the apron strings... when he was living with her (his mum) (can I just add till the age of 37... yeah beat that) she was nice with me most of the time and then occasionally she'd just mention as an off the cuff (jokey) comment how utterly rubbish I was or lazy or something else like that basically saying I wasnt good enough for her son. It used to upset me a lot due to it being unprovoked, when I told him about these things he obviously saw my side of it (like your boyfriend does) but obviously he couldnt say anything to her because that would have just made matters worse... I think some mothers execute a certain amount of control over there children which isnt healthy... but yeah mainly she was scared of loosing him...and I cant blame her hes lovely :)
I basically think if you love this man and you think he is worth it then hang in there when he is ready he will leave... thats one thing that a mother cant control no matter what... my boyfriend obviously wanted to leave before he was 37 he just didnt have the right girlfriend till me... and his mother knew it. Maybe if she is so threatened by you and shes trying to screw it up... she knows he may leave sooner than she wanted.
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A
female
reader, celtic_tiger +, writes (4 August 2011):
 I agree with Birdy.
You want a serious, long term commited relationship with this guy, including moving in together. Does this dream include marriage or just living together?
If you get married, she will be your mother in law - could you cope with it for the rest of your life?
Sometimes you have to make choices, which on the outside you do not want to do, but will make your life much happier in the long run.
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A
female
reader, birdynumnums  +, writes (4 August 2011):
 If you put up with it, then you condone it and sanction it.
Quit while you are ahead and still young enough to find someone else.
He has to grow up and cling to you instead of his Mom and he needs to grow up; and he's never going to do that while you put up with this nonsense.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 August 2011): This woman is trying to cling on to her son for dear life and I would say trying to split you up to keep him
Have you ever spoken to his brothers girlfriend, found out if she got the same treatment?
One thing about parenting you learn is to let the children go, to be free to be adults with lives of their own, its not easy and this woman isnt doing it
As for a solution, your boyfriends loyalty is split because of all this... I would avoid going there and tell him why, you need to tell him how you feel, he can't be made to choose but he could try to see your point of view.
Its up to you how long you will tolerate the situation - even if he didnt want to move in with you yet and thats up to him - he could move out of home and learn the basic skills of housekeeping, cos if he doesn't, he would probably expect you to take his mums role over and wait on him hand n foot!
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