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female
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*andice001
writes: My bf (43) does not get along with my teen (17). He is very negative to and about her. We live in seperate homes and we been dating 3.5 years.He has no children or contact with other teens or children. My teen hates him for what I believe to be good reason. He has done some real messed up things in front of her and to her. She in return has grown to dislike him more and more. She is a good teen. No drinking or drugs. Still in school senior year.I deal with him speaking negative about her daily and pointing out her faults and trying to offer advice and opinions on how to change her. I dont want to change her.I often refuse his opinions as I do not agree. I feel he has no right. I have raised a good child all by my self. He rarely can speak positive of her. He has the attitude that he refuses to humilate himself and be submissive to a teen who hates him. What I can't get him to understand is that it is his own actions that have brought us here and I believe he is the only one who can "fix it" if he only tried to be more positive to her. I believe that the damage was created by him and she is only reacting. He is the adult, shouldnt he be the one to be mature and help her to like him?If a man is negative to her will he always be?I have asked him to just try it my way (he always does things his way) I know what she will respond to. He says he will. Never does it though.I ask him to stop giving me his opinions of her. It is very difficult to listen to a man critisize your only child. He wont.This is a huge problem for us. (along with excessive porn use) I think I will terminate the relationship soon if he continues to treat my teen the way he does. Any advice is greatly appreciated.
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female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (16 December 2005):
 Dump this guy and leave him to his porn. You have a wonderful daughter and will find a wonderful man who will treat both of you like queens. It happens all the time.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2005): WHY, WHY, WHY, WHY, WHY are you still dating this man??? Seriously - what are you thinking? How on earth have you seen it as a good idea to stay with him for 3.5 years??
He is harsh to your daughter, and she dislikes him for what you admit are "good reasons." What kind of a mother are you? Is some guy really more important to you than your own child???
I could understand if he were your husband and you had made a commitment to him, before god and everyone. But you say he's just your boyfriend and you don't even live together. Why on earth would you risk poisoning your relationship with your daughter for a relationship that it doesn't sound to me is even all that good for you? Where are your priorities?
Look, people make mistakes all the time. I think you need to recognize, IMMEDIATELY, that this is one of those times. You are completely, completely in the wrong to continue dating this man. Of course you have a right to be happy, and I hope (and I'm sure your daughter hopes) that you find a wonderful man who will make you deliriously happy every day. But this guy ain't it. Drop him. Now. Immediately. Tell your daughter you're sorry for not doing it earlier; that you appreciate her maturity so much; that you love her more than anything and you simply couldn't bear to listen to a stupid man say such stupid things about such a wonderful girl.
Constant criticism will go to a teen's head so quickly, you have no idea. It is the single-most surefire way to put them into therapy and really crush their ability to have a healthy attitude about relationships, and about themselves, in the future. If your daughter is strong enough that this hasn't affected her yet, that's fantastic, but kids often hide things, and the tide may change soon enough anyway.
Get rid of this guy. NEVER tolerate someone treating your children unfairly. You said you'll terminate the relationship "soon" if he continues to treat your daughter unfairly. IT'S BEEN THREE AND A HALF YEARS!!! How much more time do you need to see that he's not going to change??
You know what the right answer is. Be brave and kick this guy to the curb. TODAY. There is no better time.
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A
female
reader, mommyofthree +, writes (16 December 2005):
 Honestly I think you need to get rid of this guy. I don't know what messed up things he has done in front of her or to her but nothing in this sounds good. You have raised your daughter and you don't need some guy coming in messing things up for you two, as your daughters grows she may end up resenting you and feeling like you have chosen this guy that treats her poorly over her. Besides, you touched very briefly on a porn problem as well, as a single mom you have enough on your plate with out a guy with all of these problems in the picture. Do what is going to be best for you and your daughter, get rid of him. Good luck.
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