A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I've been in a relationship with a guy for a year. We've both been in serious relationships that were not that great in the past. We've discussed marriage/kids and he's even asked me my ring size. Our relationship is perfect, except there's been a lack of trust for some time now. His first gf is a bit psycho and will still call him 40-50 times a day sometimes and he feels bad for her, wants to help her because she has a lot of problems. She's states away and I don't feel like he would cheat on me (not physically) but he keeps pressing the issue that she's just a friend (broken up for 8 years) and that she has no one else to talk to. I would believe that (did in the past) but he's made some mistakes that make me not trust him. With his most recent ex, he hid inappropriate texts and meaningless texts from me early on (still getting over her). He told me he was sexually obsessed with her for so long and it took a while to get over it. He's been known to lie about talking to exes in his past and he did so with me. He apologized and stopped talking to them, and it's been a few months. Now, they're both trying to get back in touch with him and he blocked the first (begrudgingly), but he's emailing (innocent/friendly) the most recent ex. Like I said, I trust him not to physically cheat, but why would he lie to me about talking to them way back when and why does he need to talk to them now. Plus, our sex life sucks, he doesn't feel open with me and we barely ever have sex. I don't mind them sending an email or something once a year or whatever, but emailing back every couple of days for the past few weeks is driving me nuts. I can't stand that he even talks to them anymore. It's turned me into a self-concious crazy person, feeling really low about this.
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female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (16 October 2011):
 You are neither self-conscious nor crazy. This guy should not be communicating with his exes like he's doing now. End of story. When you break up with a boyfriend, you break up with them. You don't feel bad and allow her to call 50x per day. You don't hide texts and communication from your current girlfriend.
Your relationship is too crowded, and he's made it that way. If the situation was reversed, would he be so accommodating to you keeping in intense contact with your ex? 50x per day? no way! And he wouldn't have an emotional crisis about whether or not he's "crazy". He'd demand the end of contact, and he would be in his rights to!
By the way, all affairs always start with "I didn't mean for it to happen. It just happened", and the most vulnerable ones are the ones in which the guy (and his girlfriend) strongly declare that they'll never cheat.
You need to tell him straight that either he stops talking to any person he's had feelings and a sexual history with, or you walk. End of story. If he can't comply, drop him, because you'll never be first in your relationship. You think that his marrying you will stop all contact? No way! In fact, it'll make your relationship even more vulnerable to that kind of crap.
Tell him to end it all the way, or you and he are done.
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