A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi,thanks for taking the time to read this.Im 26 and have been with my fiance 5 years. He is a wonderful guy and im so lucky to have him. There is 1 thing that keeps bothering me though.I have never been the broody kind when it comes to children i mean i dont hate them,in fact im quite good with them and they always take a liking to me but i really dont want any. I always thought it was a phase and that when i'd meet the right guy my maternal instics would kick in. In the 1st few months i was with my fiance i imaged us having a family etc...but now my mind has changed again.I do love my fiance and i want to marry him and be with him.He is aware of my feelings but is conviced that in a few years i will change my mind.About a year ago i had a a medical problem and i had to have some tests done to see if i could have children-it all came back clear but i was dissapointed! I know its crazy but part of me wished that i couldnt have children and not once whilst i was going through tests and exminations did i get sad at the thought of not having children.Does anyone else feel like this? Or can anyone give me any advice?Thanks
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 October 2008): I don't think there's anything wrong with not wanting kids. Actually, I do think there is something wrong with having kids for the wrong reasons, and doing so because it's the "normal" thing to do seems very common. I would make sure your fiance understands this. Perhaps the two of you can come to a compromise, like adopting. Otherwise, hold off on marriage until you come to a resolution.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 October 2008): Hi. Please don't think that there is anything wrong with you because you don't want children. Many women are that way. You know, there are women that from the time they are 6 years old know they want to have a baby, and then there are others who would be completely happy not having a child. I am one of those people. I am 47, and had 2 children, but it was never something that I just HAD to do, you know? When I was younger I used to tell everyone I was never going to have kids, just cats! LOL.. Basically I got married, and my husband wanted children so badly, and I loved him, so I had them. I was really scared, I liked kids, babysat all the time when younger, but it just wasn't a NEED I had. Anyways, after my children were born, of course I loved them dearly, and think I was a great parent..but if I never would have had children, I would have been fine too. Now both of my children are past 21, and I am thrilled because I feel I have a life again..lol... Please don't stress yourself out about this, ok? But I think its good that your fiance knows your feelings, and I hope he understands that your feeling toward having children may NEVER change, or it could lead to potential problems. I don't know what it is exactly, but some of us girls just don't have as strong of a maternal nesting instinct as others? With my husband, it was never a fight between us or anything like that,I just knew it was something that would make him very happy. But if I never would have been able to get pregnant, I would have been ok with that too. And I truly do understand what you mean when you said you sort of hoped that things would come back saying you couldn't have children, I went through that too! I was sort of praying that the doctor would say "oh, I'm sorry..but you just won't be able to have kids.."But Like you, all the equipment was fine. Please try not to stress about this, as long as your guy understands and you don't think he will become angry/bitter in the future, you should be fine.
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A
female
reader, Emilysanswers +, writes (19 October 2008):
There is nothing wrong with not wanting kids. I'm 25 and my husband and I haven't decided yet whether we will have a family. But we have both said that neither of us will be hurt if it doesn't happen.
The whole child birth thing TERRIFIES me and I just have no desire to poo out a baby. I'd rather get a dog at the moment.... But even that would limit us from going out and going on holiday and spending all day in bed as we would have to walk it and feed it and stuff. Hmm.
So, any way, there is nothing wrong with you.
The BIG problem you are going to have is if you do get married and then in 5 years your husband realises you really don't want kids and gets all upset / betrayed / wants to leave you for someone else.
If he is going to marry you then he has to accept that he may NEVER have a child. He can't just go into this thinking "she'll change her mind at some point"
If having kids is important to him then it will not be fair to tie him to you when you may or may not have them.
Talk to him about it and tell him that you love him and want to marry him but you do not want him to turn round in 5 or 10 years and put pressure on you for a family. He has to feel the same way as you.
Good Luck!! xx
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