A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Before I start, please don't judge me too harshly. I love my boyfriend more than anything, and I cannot imagine my life without him. I want to spend the rest of my life with him and I would never leave him. The only thing is he was my first time, and there's a part of me that wonders what it would be like to be with someone else. And a part of me that is falling back in love with my ex. My boyfriend and I have been together for almost a year, whereas my ex and I were only together for 3 1/2 months. The thing is, I broke up with my ex because I loved him too much to be able to cope with us being long distance. I thought that it would hurt less to call it quits before I got in any deeper. At first everything was ok. I jumped straight into another relationship (with my best friend) which lasted about a month and didn't work out (however our friendship endured and there is no romantic feeling between us). I was planning on taking a little time out and then trying to get back into my LDR. However, I met this wonderful guy who I fell head over heels for in the 2 weeks after this 2nd relationship ended -- my current boyfriend.Now, almost a year since our separation, me and my ex are growing close again, and I feel like I want more. It's clear that he still has feelings for me and it's clear he would like nothing more than to restart our relationship, even if it meant going behind my current SO's back. And there's a part of me that's become enamoured with him again and would like this to happen. You only live once and I fear I will regret it if I don't take the opportunity. The real problem comes with the fact that I still 100% love my boyfriend. We live a short walk from each other and spent the majority of our time in each other's company. We have a good life in all aspects together and the sex is brilliant. I honestly don't want to risk losing him and the thought of hurting him makes me feel sick, but there's this nagging voice in the back of my head and I can't stand it. I feel like a monster for even considering this. So what I'm asking is, is what I'm feeling normal, and what should I do about it all?
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best friend, broke up, long distance, my ex Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2010): I'm glad you decided to do that. My girl used the exact words you did. She said once she cut all ties with him she felt free. She wasn't torn between us. And it has been so much better for both of us since then.
You made the right decision. Congrats and enjoy every day!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 April 2010): Hi, OP here again. I just wanted to thank you for all your help and to tell you it's done; his phone number blocked and deleted, his msn blocked and deleted; everything gone. I know I made the right decision. I thought it would hurt to do this, but you know what, I feel free. And I'm now going to call my boyfriend and tell him how much I love him and make sure I make that decision to do something in his best interests every single day. Thanks for making me realize that the grass isn't greener on the other side, that I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I cheated, and that really I already have everything I want. :)
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 April 2010): My girlfriend kept in contact with her ex's. She always said it was just a friendship level, innocent. But I knew for the ex it wasn't like that. It's human nature to wonder what if, and once you have loved someone those feelings never completely dissolve. Being that you have only been with your boyfriend and no one else amplifies this.The ex factor, is dangerous ad exciting. While the logical part of you sees how wrong it is to feel this way, your sexual wild side wants you to try it. It probably would be fun while you do it, but once it's over you would hate yourself. And you would soon realize one night of fun wasn't worth risking a lifetime of happiness.My girlfriend met her ex for lunch behind my back. For the same reasons as you I'm guessing. She was only out of contact with me for one hour, and she told her friend she had the opportunity to cheat but didn't. It was a close call. I broke up with her when I found out and it took a lot of hard work on her part to get me back. Even then I almost didn't. Since then she cut all ties with him and her love for me seemed to be so much stronger. She finally let go of it all and focused on me. Now we are married and living happy wonderful lives.Don't risk it. Especially if the sex is great with your current man. Just reverse the roles. What if he felt about his ex like you do? If he cheated and you never knew would that be ok? How would you feel about his ex touching him all over?Love isn't a feeling. It's a daily choice to do something in the other persons best interest.Which in turn, when he does it for you, turns out to be amazing for both of you.
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A
female
reader, jaime90  +, writes (6 April 2010):
 well good your taking advice on board.
its ok to fantasize, and thats normal seeing as though you have only been with your boyfriend, but make sure you keep it at just a fantasy.
you would regret doing anything with the ex and definitely feel like a terrible person for cheating, i know many people who have and if i did to my boyfriend i would not be able to keep it from him i would feel too bad.
you know what the right thing to do is.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 April 2010): Hi. Me again. If you could ignore the last post by me, that would be good. I posted it when there was no comments, and no I check and find two.
I totally agree with you @jaime90. I am being really unfair. I think my only option here is to cut ties, however come it hurts. Losing my boyfriend would be so much harder. You're right; I can't have my cake and eat it and I was stupid to ever allow myself to think it's possible. The stupid thing is life is a million times better with my current SO than it was with him, and I think you're right that I still probably wouldn't be able to hack the LDR thing.
@manperson101. I don't think age is really an excuse for what's going on in my head. I'm definitely not bored with my current partner - he's the best thing that's ever happened to me, even better than this ex, and yet I still can't shake the feeling.
Thankyou both for your help. Just so you know, my relationship with my ex has not crossed any boundaries of friendship and it never will do. I'm cutting all ties, as soon as I can. I don't want to risk losing my wonderful boyfriend and he doesn't deserve any of this.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 April 2010): Hi. I'm the poster of this question. The mods changed the title I wanted and I wanted to make clear any answerers understood what I'm talking about even if it means they think the worse of me - which I deserve. I'm not just talking about getting back with my ex and leaving my current SO, but cheating. Disgusting and dishonest I know but it's the truth and I would greatly value opinions that take into account everything I've said. When I said don't judge me too harshly, what I meant was don't doubt my love for my boyfriend - my disloyal feelings you can be as harsh about as you want. Thanks.
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A
male
reader, manperson101 +, writes (6 April 2010):
'Grass is always greener!' - You're not a monster as I'm pretty sure everyones been there! You have to decide whats more important to you, your current boyfriend, the stable, easy option, or this other guy who is the 'what-if?' This isn't a decision anyone can really make for you.
You have to decide whether this new guy is just to fill a hole because you're a bit bored or if you think that you're life would be better with him. Neither is the wrong decision and you're so young that its not massively important if you do feel you've made a muck up.
Check this out, it shows that everyone goes through it and sometimes which much more to lose:
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/im-in-love-with-my-wife-and-her.html
Good luck!
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A
female
reader, jaime90 +, writes (6 April 2010):
if you want to be with your current boyfriend, you have to cut all ties to the ex, not even have a friendship. this is so unfair on your boyfriend, he is doing nothing wrong and you are behind his back rekindling with your ex?
if you can't cut ties with the ex, break up with the boyfriend. its really pretty simple. you can't have your cake and eat it too as they say. you have to choose one of them. it didn't work out with the first guy, you will likely break up again.
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