| A
female
,
anonymous
writes: i have a loving bf everything is fine we are planning to get married soon but the problem is i had a wild past and i havent told him abt it,he knows it but not everything, should i be entirely honest wth him?i do regret i was like this be4 i cant even believe that i was me who did all that coz iam a diff person now,iam scared of his reaction i dont wanna lose him but he is honest wth me will he expect the same from me?should i tell him everything? Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 November 2006): I think it is important to know the rough idea of someones sexual past.
To be, its important, because you want to be with someone that has generally gone through the same times as you.
I mean, I have not had a "wild" past. I have not slept with everyone at any opportunity I had whilst I was a teenager and going through university, if I had I could have easily have slept with people in double figures and to try and pretend that is perfectly normal, or acceptable, is utterly preposterious, I would feel a slag who had not self-control and lived for the moment - not for the future that I aspired to have.
Instead those options of restraint - knowing that one day I would meet someone more like me paid off. I did meet someone like me who lived their life aspiring to something more.
And so I would not want to be with someone with a wild past, because she would never be able really appreciate, or share, in the same experiences as I had when growing up. And knowing we had a similar sexual background brings with it a VERY close connection of strong intimacy that is very special.
Be honest with your partner. If it works out, it works out - if not - they weren't the right person for you. People must judge you for who you are - not who they think you are.
A
female
reader, xxxsoulsistaxxx  +, writes (14 November 2006):
 I don't think that the past matters and unless this comes up, I don't think it's any of his business. Me and my partner made the mistake of telling each other everything and it has really caused problems, some which I know we'll never manage to work through.
If these things are likely to come up naturally in the future and shock him, tell him now. He doesn't deserve to be hurt by these things you did. However, if they are your business and only you know them, keep them to yourself. I'm sure he has things that you don't know, that's just what happens in relationships: you take the person for now, not for what they did before you.
Hope this helps.
...............................
A
male
reader, Thomas17  +, writes (14 November 2006):
 a relationship should be truthful. you dont need to worry if he truly loves you for who you are and what you were.. if you think he can do that, tell him the truth, straight up. however, tell him the whole thing, dont leave the small things out.. hope this helps..
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 November 2006): A lot of people seem to feel that "Honesty is vital in a relationship. Except when it comes to 'the past'." ie. honesty is great unless it's inconvenient. Seems a pretty shabby mantra to me. You are honest or you are not.
If you are not completely honest, you will build a relationship on shaky foundations. If he ever finds out by accident it would probably be end of the line. Even if he didn't find out, you would forever harbour a little nagging feeling of guilt and loss of personal worth that could slowly erode and undermine you.
My advice is to sit him down and be absolutely honest. Not gory details, but the basics. That way, your conscience is clear, and he will know that you are 150% trustworthy. It is risky. He may walk out, as many people find this whole issue very difficult to deal with. Bottom line is, if you say nothing, you will compromise the future. If you are honest, you risk losing, but you also may build something much better than you would not otherwise have had.
I have seen a number of friends go through this and I have previously been on the "receiving end" of a similar disclosure. Finding out was very tough. The following year was a rocky ride. The long term result was a very happy marriage with real 24 carat honesty. I don't envy you your decision. Best of luck.
...............................
A
male
reader, eddie  +, writes (14 November 2006):
I agree. As much as we hope are lovers are decent, the fact that you're concerned about his reaction is proof you realize your mistakes. If he's not asking and you're not lieing, don't give specifics. This could come back to haunt you in the future if he ever discovers something he can't handle. That would be his issue though as long as you've always been honest with him.
...............................
A
female
reader, Astrid  +, writes (14 November 2006):
 u should tell in case he finds out by chance after you mary and then deep shit or divorce try to be honest and do not exageratte just put him in the picture ur not a saint but u love him very much
...............................
A
female
reader, trausis04 +, writes (14 November 2006):
i think honesty is extremely important in a relationship, but i've learned the hard way that being completely honest about your past can seriously damage your relationship. your past is your past and if you learned from your mistakes i see no reason why he sould know all of the details. if things in your past would physically harm or affect him he has the right to know. but i say everyone has skeletons in their closet... i'm sure you don't know everything about his past. good luck
...............................
|
