A
female
age
41-50,
*ibob
writes:[Mod note: could you please ask the question you'd like the aunts to answer? Your last comment said you need to be so desperate to be with a man like this so why are you even considering such thing with him? Thanks.]Hi dear agony aunts. Thanks for your help. I am still considering whether i should have sex with this man for whom i have a crush. He said that he usually don't become close with a woman he has sex. He wants plain sex with me at first. I also notice that he likes to look at other women very much, even girls half his age. He told me that it's like a passion for him, to look at beautiful women. I initially thought that we were looking for the same thing. Sex with no strings attached but the more i think of it, the more i am uncomfortable with this 50/50 deal. When i share an intimacy with a man, i want to feel considered, appreciated. But with him i feel that i will be another woman who ended on his bed, he will continue to desire other women while he is having me even if he does not sleep with them. I will have to put in my mthem. On one hand, i want to go for it, satisfy my desire to be with him, on the other i want to respect myself and not be only a piece of cake. Please help me to decide
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male
reader, CMMP  +, writes (31 May 2014):
It seems like you know better than anyone what the situation is and what you think is the right thing for you to do.
I have no problem with fwb relationships, but you're openly admitting that you do have a problem with it. So don't do it; you WILL be another notch on his bedpost, and he's being kind enough to be honest about that fact. Thank him for his honesty and find a guy who shares your desires.
A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (31 May 2014):
 This guy is a player and by his own actions and words he has made it clear that he prefers to remain a player.
He is not offering you a 50:50 deal.
The deal is all in his favour, and more like 99:01 - all to suit him. You can do better.
Players. They will continue to break your heart on a regular basis. Their loyalty is to themselves, not you. They have no intention of remaining faithful. They are shallow.
Nothing you do or do not do will sway them away from their preferred lifestyle. That of a player.
Look at the qualities a man demonstrates by his own actions. Don't be swayed by his fancy and charming words.
A reliable honourable man with integrity is far preferable to any player.
A hard working man who is respected by his peers and demonstrates his respect for you by his actions is far preferable a prospect than a player.
Set your standards higher.
Discard the player now.
And never never ever offer a guy sex at the outset.
Instead expect a guy to show you respect and be respectful towards you and your family.
Develop the friendship and discover a lot more about the guy before sex is part of the relationship.
Observe how he behaves toward his friends.
Just fancy throw-a-ways words hinting about maybe there could be a relationship in the future, when really he is just angling for sex, are just words said to reel you in. They are not words of commitmet.
Players develop their charm in order to win you over. It is part of the chase. Players lie easily. Once a player has had sex with a girl he is pursuing then she ceases to be a challenge. It is all downhill after that, for a player.
You can do far better than settling for a player, only to have your heart broken, when it suits him.
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A
male
reader, Mark1978  +, writes (31 May 2014):
 You will end up hurt by having sex with this man.
Generally men can have sex without developing an emotional attachment, women cant. He has made it crystal clear he just wants sex, nothing more. he may of hinted or suggested that could change but that's just because he doesn't want to loose the chance of having sex with you so he is keeping you sweet.
If you just want sex, and that's what he is offering then that's fine, as no-one is deceived and no-one is lied to or used. BUT you want more than that so its best to walk away. Sex with this man may make you feel good at the time, but afterwards when you realize you have developed feelings for him, you will be hurt when he rejects you.
Even if he offered you a relationship his passion for other women is dubious. Nothing wrong with admiring other people, being attracted to others, that normal, but to describe it the way he has to you is basically a code for "I want sex with you and a thousand others".
Never have sex in the hope it will make a man fall for you...it wont! Avoid this man and find someone better suited, someone who will let a relationship start and develop before wanting sex.
Mark
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A
male
reader, RevMick +, writes (31 May 2014):
 Hi tibob,
Having sex just because he is your crush is a bad idea. However I can't make you not do it, that is our choice as human beings with thoughts and feelings.
Sex with anyone, just for the sake of it I see as a bad thing. Not because I'm religious, but because I wouldn't want to see anyone used for sex.
Now, if you both agree that you want sex without commitment, then that is entirely fine. I know a few people will tell you to go for it and experiment sexually.
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