A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I had a night out 2 weeks ago and slept with this girl who was on holiday in the city where I live. We exchanged email addresses and now I'm told she is pregnant. I honestly don't know how that happened because we used a condom, and sure I understand that they are not always 100% effective, I get that but how?She lives in Sweden and I study in Edinburgh. I don't have a job, and I don't plan on having one any time soon let alone wanting to have a child. I've spoken to her and her opinion on abortion is bad, so that's not an option. But then she says for me not to worry about it and she won't ever contact me again. Now whilst that is a big relief to me now because I am not ready (emotionally or financially) to do this now. I can't help but think of this in a legal perspective. What happens years down the line, do I have to start paying support costs etc... even if she says now she doesn't want me or to contact each other again.I have no idea what to do, where I stand. Any views on what I should do are much appreciated. Stopping my education is not an option, I know how important it is and full stop.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Daisy_Daisy +, writes (15 February 2014):
 You should ask her to confirm that she's been to a doctor and is definitely pregnant. If she's this tearful and presumably stressed, it could have a knock on effect in making her period late. Don't accuse her of lying, just ask her if she's had the pregnancy confirmed.
Good luck & best wishes, this must be very stressful for you, too.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 February 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI know what I have to do, but I agree with a female anonymous reader about the drama of it all.
I managed to phone her up and speak a bit. When I asked if she had spoken to her friends and family she said no. I told her to speak to them immediately earlier in the week. Sure she could be and probably is scared but telling your family is one of the first things you should do. She then started to cry, but I wasn't being angry with her, I stated that a number of times. I just calmly wanted to find out what she was thinking so I can understand where she is coming from. What then throws doubt into my mind is that she has previously cried over very very small things in the past over email to which no adult I know would ever cry about. Hence I'm not sure if this is real or not. There is not much I can go on other than her word,
I've said she can have time to think and I will call her next week, but what should I be asking to confirm? And any other things I should know?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 February 2014): Are you sure this girl isn't just being a drama queen? To contact someone after two weeks, say they're pregnant after using a condom, and that she will never contact you again...it sounds a bit implausible to me and a bit high on the drama scale. Are you sure she's not just the kind of girl who likes the dramatic idea of you having it on your conscience for the rest of your life that you may have a kid somewhere that you may never see again? It's certainly strange to contact you after such a short amount of time and not be absolutely certain first and wait longer before telling you. Seems very suspect to me. In her shoes, I would definitely wait longer until I was 100% sure before contacting you and there's no way I would say to a potential father of my child 'I won't ever contact you again' - I don't mean whether to do with child support or not, but I'd just keep contact open for the child's sake or in case the child inherited some genetic defect or something like that. I think you should definitely keep lines of communication open at this stage until she has absolute confirmation of whether she is pregnant or not and then take it from there. Don't accuse her of anything, just keep communication open until you have concrete facts.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (14 February 2014):
 I agree with the other aunties.
The likelihood of her being pregnant and it is yours, is small. However, it IS possible, all it takes is ONE time. A condom can fail for sure, I have a 9 year old daughter that proves JUST that.
Auntie Daisy gave a good link for legal advice.
YES, she CAN come after you for Child support IF she chooses to HAVE the child. At ANY point after the child is born. Not sure how the laws in Sweden works as far as back-owed Child support. So again USE the link Auntie Daisy gave you.
IF she HAS the child demand a DNA test and then go from there.
I'd say stop fretting, because there is NOTHING you can do or there then USE the contact info Auntie Daisy gave you and GO from there. STAY in school.
To be honest, I think she might be late on her period, but her being pregnant? I know the early detection one can tell after having missed her period for a week, but most are more accurate after 2-3 weeks.
Unfortunately, that is the thing about sex.... IT CAN result in a child even if you don't plan for one. And unfortunately, if she has JUST been missing her period a week or so then she WAS her MOST fertile 2 weeks ago.....
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 February 2014): 2 weeks is quite early to tell, so she might not be.
If she is pregnant, do get a paternity test when the baby is born.
And be in the baby's life if it's yours.
You have a duty to look after a child you bring into this world. It's too late to choose not to have the child now since you've already planted your sperm in an egg. There is always a risk. When things don't go according to plan, you have to step up and take responsibility for your actions.
How will you look yourself in the mirror knowing that somewhere out there is a child you left exposed to the world without your care and support. A child who probably feels there is something wrong with them since their father rejected them.
How will you marry one day and promise to be a loving husband and father if you have proved that you are not capable of loving your own innocent child that you procreated?
I understand that you are young and you want to be free. But that's too bad. If the pregrancy is yours, you have to do right by your offspring.
Yes you don't work and you live in a different country to the mother.
But, you have to do the best you can. You get student loans in the UK, plus you can work part-time alongside your studies. I had no children to support during my studies (Just graduated, I'm a couple of years older than you) doing a tough course at a red brick uni and I still managed to work 20hours a week to fund my luxurious lifestyle.
The point I'm making is 'I am not ready (emotionally or financially) to do this now.' is bullshit.
13 year olds have had children and coped, some teen parents have juggled studies and parenting. If she is pregnant, it's too late to say i'm not ready. You just have to get on with it, it doesn't come with a manual, you learn as you go.
'I can't help but think of this in a legal perspective.' This is your prerogative to think of the legal aspects - by all means, find out more. But this cannot be the be all and the end all of your involvement.
It's part of being an adult. It's scary. It's overwhelming but for goodness sake do not abandon your child (unless you've both decided to get the baby adopted).
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A
female
reader, Daisy_Daisy +, writes (14 February 2014):
I think you should seek information from the Citizens Advice Bureau
http://www.cas.org.uk
I agree with others posters doubts: is she really pregnant, and is it your child? If yes, think long term. You may not be ready to be a father now, but you might feel very different in a few years. Don't burn any bridges.
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A
female
reader, oldbag +, writes (14 February 2014):
 I doubt she is 100% certain she is pregnant after 2 weeks, in fact she could have been pregnant before you slept with her.
Ask for a DNA test after the birth, if there is a pregnancy. Don't panic yet.
If, even after using a condom, which you did, the baby is yours 'then' start to think of payment and access because you will have a responsibility.
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A
male
reader, Myau  +, writes (14 February 2014):
 What makes you think its yours?
I would confirm that before thinking about anything else.
Don't worry about child support, it isn't that much really, you will still be able to study.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (14 February 2014):
 If there is a baby (2 weeks after sex is a bit soon to tell in my opinion) you need to accept some responsibility.
First thing to do is WAIT for a doctor's diagnosis. If it is positive tell her you are willing to be responsible but will also be requesting a DNA test once the baby is born.
Don't stop your education.
DON'T PANIC! It may not happen!
I dont know what the deal is with child support in Sweden or what reciprocal arrangements they have in place with the UK but I would not expect it to be too onerous.
If there is a baby come back, and somebody from the UK will be able to point you in the right direction.
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