A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I feel like I'm going crazy. I had an affair with an amazing man and it ended 3 months ago for all the right reasons. The problem is I'm having problems getting over it - I can't stop thinking about him and I miss him so much I really do feel like I'm going mad.We both wanted to be together but were ready at different times (we're both married) and just missed our chance. We've therefore decided to stay with our partners and make things work - I'm just missing him so, so much. I can't sleep, I spend my entire life checking phones and emails even though I know he won't contact me, I've got no energy to see my friends or even speak to them, just can't function without him.Last time I asked someone suggested sending emails to a friend (meant for him) and this has helped although I'm spend my life close to tears that he can't respond.Will I ever get over this man?? Is it possible that something so wrong could be meant to be or is that just a naive and romantic notion that affairs could ever really work??
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female
reader, marycontrary  +, writes (27 June 2009):
These answers were good. I was expecting the usual litany of hatred towards cheaters and accusations of selfishness and lack of discipline and living in reality. We could make the same accusations of premarital sex havers or middle aged men who buy Harleys, however. We can never really know until we walk in someone's shoes what chain of events and mishaps leads a person down the path that they choose. And living in marriage may be the accepted way of living in reality, a sign that one is mature enough to know that lust doesn't last. But, it is pretty idealistic to think that love does or to think that living with another person forever is something you can and should do. For some it is a box to be checked off by age 30. For others, they've found the one but go ahead and wait because everybody says that's what you are "supposed" to do. Or in this woman's case, she's already checked off that box and so has the other guy. At this point the pressure is no longer on to hurry up and order but to enjoy what you've already chosen to eat and most of us think that those who take a second glance at the menu are plain out of their minds. Do the harshest critics have perfect relationships? Maybe. Lucky them. I say if you have no kids to emotionally punish, stop consuming the wrong thing and live your life.
A
male
reader, Really  +, writes (28 February 2009):
It will all come together. I am a married man who is in love with another woman. The timing hasnt been right for me to leave. What I respect about S most is patience and belief that is the same as mine. Everything happens for a reason. In the end your relationship with this man will be stronger.Support him in trying to work on his marriage and that way he will come to his own conclusions. I have been with the same woman for 23 years and married to her for 19.I knew it was time to leave before S but because she makes me feel so bad about myself struggled with if this was all my fault. You can be there for him without putting pressure on. Please give an update.
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A
male
reader, MotownPhilly +, writes (12 December 2008):
Hi there. Looks like this question was from back in July, but I'm curious if there is any update from then?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 July 2008): Oh you poor thing! i think you are asking someone to say that yes, it is meant to be, that affairs can work out. I am so sorry that you are having such a horrible and hard time. Maybe you and him are better matched than either of you are with your partners. Sadly for you, if he has chosen to try to make it work with his partner, you dont seem to have any choice. Try to concentrate on and look at your partner, would you want to leave your partner even if the man you love is not around? if not, why not? are you afraid to be on your own (not a flattering reason to stay), how was your relationship before the 'affair'? what were you missing in your relationship? is there any chance that you could find this again with your partner? can you find it within yourself? If your marriage is over then you are not doing your husband any favours, find the courage to leave without leaning on your new love. It wont be fair, or the 'right thing' if you spend rest of your life dreaming of what might have been. Doing the 'right thing' may mean you too scared to hurt your husband, but he already hurt. Think only of that: have you the courage to leave your husband (regardless of your new love)? If not then you no good for your new love or any future love. i wish you strength in whatever you decide to do.
(left partner of 16 years, 15 months ago - and still suffering despite feeling it was right thing to do!)
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 July 2008): I'm a married man and had an affair for three years.
While there may be many reasons for an affair that seem right at the time, they really are not worth the hurt to everyone involved.
You NEED to move on, and leave him alone. Hopefully both of you can make it work with your spouses. I know it doesn't seem like it now, but you will get over him eventually. Bear with the pain, because it's best for everyone. IF however, you don't get over him, then try to get a few councilling sessions with a professional councilor. They'll be none-judgmental, and will likely help you through this.
He may or may not be hurting too. Just because he doesn't call you back or email you back doesn't mean he never cared for you, and isn't hurting right now. But he has made his choice (which was probably difficult to do), and he needs to be left alone to try to make his family work.
For you, you need to really concentrate on your family. Try to work on your own thoughts toward your husband, and give your heart to him. If you are unhappy enough to leave, then that's something you might need to consider... but don't go back to that man.. don't call him... don't try to see him. Sorry, but that's the way it has to be.
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A
female
reader, bemused +, writes (23 July 2008):
 Hi hun
You are not alone. This sad story happens so often. I hesitate to be judgemental because, from what I have seen people get into a vulnerable state and just throw caution to the wind...it may not be the moral high ground but is human...in least in my opinion.
The act of starting an affair is an impulsive act and by it's very nature,people often do not look ahead to the trainwreck which is often ahead. The fallout can be soooo painful. I often think it is a bit of an addiction.
Your current martial situaton is obviously wanting. Why? Are you no longer attracted to your husband. Are you bored by the routine that marriage can be? Again, you do not indicate in your post why you strayed but it is obvious that your emotional needs are not being met.
Affairs can be the forbidden fruit, exciting but that is often not love. This sounds a bit like a grand passion on your part. Mixed up with all that lust were obviously feelings on your part...again that is human.
You do not mention the man you are married to but he does deserve some note in all of this..does he not? You are young to be having an affair...did you love him when you married him. If it has really no longer there in your marriage you need to do the honorable thing and end it I think.
This post indicates that you are due for some sort of a transtion. What are your hopes/ dreams/ goals apart from this situation. Might this affair have been filing a void in your life which might be filled in a less hurtful way for you and for others.
This sounds really hard hun but you need to cut this tie and examine your life a bit.
Hope this helps and keep us posted.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 July 2008): You are too young to have an affair!!!if you are having affairs at this stage in your life then it aint going to get better.in my experiance people like you enjoy the experiance and the rush. your "secret man" will not be the last trust me.you will meet other men - i don't believe that your husband satisfies you and that is why you are having an affair.affairs are made up of factors: the ones that spring to mind are greed selfishness dishonesty and slyness.please tell your husband the truth and think of the legal document that you signed with your husband - marriage is not a joke - it is a life long commitment.i am sick of people who have affiars acting like a victim - it is the family members who you lie to who are the real victims. if you were in another country - you would be punished!!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 July 2008): You both were having an affair; you firstly need to accept this. He's pulled away and is making his way back to his wife. I'd say set him free and do nothing to bring him back to you. Consider his wife here, even if you cannot consider your husband, because he has cheated on her just as you cheat on your husband.It's time. It's time to let go and now he has taken the initiative I would strongly suggest you do the same.If you are not happy in your marriage you really should spend time working it through; that will get you functioning in doing something that is worthwhile. If you don't consider it to be then you should take a good long look at your marital situation.It's time to put things in order.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 July 2008): Hi there,i think that affairs are fickle, attention seeking tremors of the heart.i don't believe that you love this man at all - i believe that you miss the buzz of the secret affair.people who have affairs are selfish and should finish with their partners beforehand. i have been on the other end of the affair. is it fair to the man who married you to lie with a woman who loves another man?? if you love someone else then leave your "husband"!!!the vowes you once took obvisiously mean nothing to you and the fact that you would rather think of another man while your poor husband is at home thinking of you is awful. have a little empathy and think how all the people in your life will be affected by your dirty actions.affairs are disgusting and dirty and the meer thought of my husband even contemplating this would kill me.my advice - leave your husband if you no longer love him - don't waste your life like that - but don't use an excuse of another man to break up a marriage. if you are unhappy then do something about it don't sit on the fence and make everyone elses lives hell. i think that you are quite selfish and although it is your life you are living - don't have an affair behind the back of a man that swore to spend HIS LIFE WITH YOU!!!! forget the man you had an affair with cause it sounds to me like he's forgotten about you!!!!
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