A
female
age
36-40,
*hhhhhhhhhh
writes:Me and my boyfriend have been going out for two years. It's been very hard.At the begining he got hooked on drugs (light drugs). He begged me to help im stop. I did, but I went through hell trying to get him off them. He became abusive verbally and bullied me. He eventually stopped them and we got on with our relationship.It was good until I found out that he was supposed to be traveling for a year, from mutual friends. When I confronted him, he admitted that he wasn't going to tell me till he was practicallt on the plane because he didn't want to ruin my exams. He also said that he was having commitment issues anyway.Traveling was put off till summer and we began to see oneanother again. We agreed that we would not be with anyone else, but we were not an official item.I was heart broken, when only a week after sleeping with me and admitting that he still loved me he had slept with someone else.I hated him but he was really sorry. We both became really sick and depressed with all the stress. I still loved him and he loved me, so eventually we got back together.Will I ever be able to forgive him? I feel as though he really betrayed me. At first I stopped during sex and cried. It's slightly better now, but I always think about him being with her and it makes me feel sick. To top it off he has just done drugs again. He says he's just doing what he wants to and that I choose to feel upset about it. I told him to pick me or the drugs (when we got back together he swore that he would give up anything for me) and even though he has said "I only do them once a year" and "They mean nothing to me", he won't pick me... He just refuses and says that I am trying to control him. Even though I tell him it is tearing me appart and tearing our relationship to shreads he doesn't want to stop.I feel worthless and as though I mean nothing to him.This is tearing me appart inside. Please help me.
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bullied, depressed, drugs, got back together, my ex Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 May 2008): Agreed with all the other Aunts on this page, hun. I am not even going to address the issue of his cheating, and the dysfunctional dynamics of your love relationship with him. The man you love is a substance abuser. No matter how much he says he loves you, he will always, always go back to his first love and true desire...his drugs. Listen, when people do drugs, it locks into their fatty cells and drug residue/toxins stays in their system for upwards of 6 years...long after they quit. The reason your bf quit and went back, is those very drug residues were released back into the blood stream..thus his cravings come back. Not only will he need a thorough detox, he will need intensive counseling to find out the psychological problems that caused his drug use, in the first place and confront that within himself. He will have to take life improvement courses, learn new life skills in coping with being an substance abuser, if he is to remain off drugs for a lifetime. They will teach him this at a good rehab and yes...he needs to get into a program where he will be able rehabiliatate himself. In other words, a long term residential (6 months-1 year) detox/intensive life counseling is needed here and then for years after, he will need follow up care to remain off the drugs. Counseling and changing the addicts view of himself, is crucial--giving him the coping skills in life to continue a drug free life. . Amazing.. how a substance abuse is born. People as teens with negative peer pressure take drugs to be 'cool' and it's a downhill slide from there. Toking a joint. That is all it takes. This is why parents have to be concerned when teens start experimenting. Not all people who do this become addicted, but if you read the stats...far too many good people get caught in this trap as teens and this makes the schoolyard drug dealers happy-they have a lifetime customer!
Your bf needs help and your love is not going to help him. Drugs destroy lives, not only to the abuser but they take down, the very people who love them. And if you remain in this situation, the pain you will experience for years to come, is something I can't impress upon you enough. I have seen drugs destroy family relationships, it causes worry, stress and made loved ones so riddled with emotional pain, they get literally sick, with illnesses from the stress alone, themselves. So I need to ask you? Why are you doing this to yourself? Loving a substance abuser? You have choices on which path you want with you life...think of YOU and make the right one.
So in regards to your bf, let me state, people who use drugs cannot give their healthiest, most confident, loving self to a relationship, hun. You will always compete with his crutch. Your plight is why I tell wonderful, young women...to never, ever get involved with a person who is a substance abuser. At the first sign of this...run like hell! Because a female will be battling his demons forever, and this is not a healthy, solid base for a committed relationship. A relationship with a substance abuser is off balanced and the female usually starts mistaking her compassion/pity for love. And hun, feeling sorry for and pitying him is not a healthy component of a equal, mutually giving relationship. You must choose better path in your life, here and sometimes, that means giving up a loved one, who is abusing drugs. If you don't do this, now...ten years down the road with 2 kids clinging to your pantlegs, a mortgage to pay, and bills. well your options will get fewer and fewer.
The best thing for 'you' is to leave, heal and you will recover. Really, you will. Develop your own sense of confidence and self-love...enough to be tough and learn to be one amazing, strong woman and just say goodbye to him. Love yourself enough to do this. Bear through the pain and heartbreak and get out of his life, completely. I can guaruntee, 1-2 years down the road, you will say to yourself "what was I thinking?" Good luck my dear and my heart is with you.
A
female
reader, Ahhhhhhhhhh +, writes (31 May 2008):
Ahhhhhhhhhh is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thanks for all your comments.
Especially PeterPan... Very comforting.
I would like Aunt Letty to know that a lot of the time our relationship is really good and that I love being with him. But I do feel as though I have been through a lot just to be with him and that I have put a lot more intot he relationship than I have.
He tells me that he can handle the drugs and that he only once to do it once every so often.
Am I begin irrational if he only does drugs once every few months? Or am I right to be worried about having to go through the pain I experienced at the start?
Or is he right saying that I shouldn't compare myself to an object?
I feel worthless when he refuses to pick me over drugs... I have made it very clear that I would leave him if he did them again. Is he taking advantage of the fact he knows I love him so much and want to be with him? And is he right saying that I am trying to control him?
I want to be with him so much... But I just don't think I can take this much longer.
He is so loving and I know that he cares about me. I just feel like eveything I've been through was for nothing.
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A
female
reader, Aunt Letty  +, writes (31 May 2008):
I'm going to be really blunt here...leave him. He doesn't respect you on/off drugs and is making you ill. No-one should ever have the right to make another human being feel this way. You are in a destructive relationship. You want one thing from life, and he wants something completely different...that won't change. I wish you every strength and happiness.
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A
male
reader, PeterPan  +, writes (31 May 2008):
 I am sorry that you are so torn up by these events. Personally, forgiveness is one of the greats gifts we humans can give to one another. It has the capacity to heal and mend wounds... so, if you have it within your heart to forgive, it will happen...
But I must also balance this with a warning that's important. Drug additions are difficult things to combat. Additions can alter perceptions and opinions. I really think that it takes a special kind of strength to combat it and rescue a relationship at the same time. If your BF is slipping back into the abyss of drugs again, you should really ask yourself if you want to risk yourself for somebody that seems not to be in control of their additions/cravings. You and the drugs are in competition here. I don't know what his addition is, but you might not be able to win. In all seriousness, you need to ask yourself if you want to put yourself in jeopardy in trying to battle for his heart over his additions.
Best of luck to whatever path you choose. No matter what, always keep your best interests in mind (and that should be you!)
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