A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I feel very down right now. I am in my mid thirties and feel like I am deluding myself that I will ever find a decent partner. I could write a book on the rubbish that I have encountered with men particularly in the last 5 years ago or so. I wonder if there has been a huge negative shift in mens' attitudes towards women and commitment. I dated a man who decided not to tell me he was going to go off travelling around South America, and then I randomly bumped into him when he got home and he expected to pick things up where we'd left off. Er.... I don't think so.Another man (who I considered a close friend prior to becoming my boyfriend) was so cruel about me when he dumped me that I contemplated suicide. He actually wanted to be my friend after this episode, whilst he pursued the woman who was to become his wife. Again, I don't think so.I then found a man (who I thought was 'The One'). I went out with him for 2 1/2 years. His way of telling me it was over was just to do a disappearing act on me. This has left me totally heartbroken.However, in my goal to get over him I have started dating again by using dating websites. I didn't feel an initial attraction with the first guy, but decided to give it a few more dates and grew to quite like him. So, I was dismayed after the third date to get a text saying he didn't want a relationship with me but could we still be friends!The next man I was due to date has left me in tears today. I was due to meet up with him today, after building up a relationship via phone, text and e-mail. After all the fuss he made about me and meeting up, he text me (yes that lovely method that people think is an acceptable way to tell people they're not interested, when in fact it is simply cowardly), to say he didn't think we wanted the same things relationship wise... even though we were totally on the same page in that regard!I got the impression with the last two guys, who incidentally were the ones I met on the dating websites, that they were expecting sex almost immediately.I am starting to get the feeling that men are expecting sex almost immediately these days, and if you don't 'put out' immediately then they can't be bothered with you and you get put in the friend category. I do not feel comfortable talking sexually with someone unless I am in an intimate, committed relationship. I wonder if I should just give up on these dating websites.
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female
reader, Chippy2  +, writes (14 June 2010):
I agree with you - STAY off the dating websites - I have found they seem to be a waste of time! Same experiences as u have had on them. Good luck - maybe take some time off from dating. There is an excellent book called 'Deal Breakers' that I recommend - at the end it lists what a good man is. Don't settle - look for the red flags and instead of getting upset, know it is not YOU with a problem but it is just not a match. Good Luck
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 June 2010): Yes, a lot of men want sex right away, and if doesn't happen they walk away. It is not your problem at all, why are u taking it personally?
They want something, you aren't giving them what they want, they walk away. Even better. if they do it right away, at least you aren't waisting your time.
These men aren't your fault, this is just how they are, it has nothing to do w/you. I am sure if you knew their previos relationship, you'd find out that the dissapearing guy dissapeared many times before on different women, the horrible guy has been horrible to few more women, the traveller guy acted unpredictable w/all the women in his life, because he is simply crazy...
Your last date was deffinitely only looking for sex. This is what they do to get sex:they pretend to be someone they are not to get what they want.
But then when we ,women need to be cautios, and interview men really well. Don't give up, he is out there, just make men come to u, not the other way arround.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (13 June 2010):
I have a feel that in desperation, you're letting your guard down. The worse you've been treated by these guys, the more you've gone out to find another guy and they're getting worse. You will find a guy, but I think you need to slow right down and look at the type of guy you want. Be a little more picky too. There are a lot of crap men out there, but there are some good ones too. To find them, you need to have found yourself first. So take a break, work on your confidence again and come back stronger.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 June 2010): Well I don't know about dating websites because I have never been on one so I can't give you advice there...you seem to be in need of a lot of guidance, though. It seems like it could be a combination of things that are flustering your efforts at meeting the right guy. Perhaps what you say is true that you are settling for the "wrong" kind of man. Perhaps the men you have been exposed to aren't the appropriate dating material. Maybe they are just out for sex. But I do also get a sense that, with all due respect, perhaps you are at fault as well for some of these let downs. I would like to know more about what role YOU are playing in all this. What kind of person are you? Why are these men so quick to walk away or think it is ok to treat you that way? Why do you keep picking men who don't seem to value you? It takes two to tango. You are only as fabulous as you ALLOW others to treat you.
You seem to be playing the victim but in order to grow and learn you MUST take responsibility for your own actions. Every woman on this planet has been heartbroken at some point or another. Life is not about going through it unscathed. It is about falling down, getting hurt, picking yourself back up and learning to avoid those pitfalls next time around. If you are falling down into the SAME hole every single time, then maybe its time to recognize that YOU are the problem, not the hole. The definition of insanity is making the mistakes over and over and expecting different results every time. I think it is time to find out where YOU are going wrong in all this, not the men.
One thing you said that stood out for me was how you recently dated a guy who you didn't feel an initial attraction with but GREW to like him and he dumped you anyways. Let me ask you, why are you settling? How do you grow to like someone? I don't get that concept. It sounds to me like you are really setting your sights low and settling for alot of these guys who you aren't even compatible with from the get go. And then you are dissappointed when you are let down. Frankly, if you need to GROW to like someone in a relationship, I can guarantee you he is NOT the one, so DON'T be dissappointed or surprised when it doesn't work out.
You need to work on your self esteem. And I think you should get counselling. You really really need guidance. I think that would be the BEST thing you could do for yourself. Your views on things need to be challenged and restructured. And I think regular counselling would be a GREAT way for you to make progress on these issues. I hope for your own good you take my advice. I wish you all the best.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 June 2010): Although I quite younger than you, I find myself in a similar situation -- although my problems have been coming from the opposite end of the spectrum. I admit to being a bit vulnerable and have a tendency to let guys talk me into things I probably ought not do right off the bat. After they get what they want, I get put into the friend category myself.
I say to you -- no matter what guys are throwing at you, don't give up! Dating website or no, there are guys out there who aren't jerks and one day we'll find this guy. However, it seems the jerks take advantage of us when we're bit more vulnerable or when they think we're vulnerable -- end the end we just get screwed over. Go on dates and enjoy yourself -- don't put so much effort into what could be a potential relationship. If it's meant to be, it will. Just have fun, you'll find what you're looking for, and when you do, you'll be much happier in the end. :)
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