A
female
age
30-35,
*iss Misunderstood
writes:I have been in a relationship with my current boyfriend for nearly 2 years now.. and I love him with all of my heart.. he is everything I have ever wanted in a guy. He is the first guy to ever actually seem to care about me and love me.. unlike my other boyfriends in the past that had just wanted to be with me in order to use me for their own sexual arousement, which I did not care for at all considering that I would like to keep my abstinence. But my boyfriend now, he is smart, funny, handsome, and we share alot of the same beliefs. I hope that someday after we go through college that maybe we could spend the rest of our lives together and have a family of our own.Last night though he was telling me how fat he feels and I was reassuring him that he is not fat at all.. because he looks absolutely perfect to me.. and he was saying how if he gained any more weight he would take one of the knives on his shelf and stab himself that way he wouldn't have to worry about it anymore, and I said to him "____ you are not fat at all.. you look great, and honestly even if you did gain a few pounds, it wouldn't do you any harm whatsoever. You're in wonderful shape." And immediately after that he asked me to hand him one of his weights and I proceeded to grab it and walk over to him, but then I noticed this odd smile on his face, and I told him "I'll only give it to you if you promise not to do yourself any harm with it.." and he said "Just give me the f*cking weight.." and I replied "I will, just please promise me first.. I care about you.." "Give me the weight." "I can't until you promise me first.. please.." and I slowly stuck my pinky out asking for a pinky promise.. and he angrily wrapped his around mine and shook it violently, and I looked at him concerned and handed him the weight. After he had finished using it he put it back and laid back down on his bed and told me how he wished he had someone to goof around with, and to understand him.. and I just couldn't help myself from crying because I had been trying so hard to be all those things for him.. I had even stopped talking to many of my old friends as much so that I could concentrate on making him happy and showing him that I loved him and cared about him in every possible way that I could..Can someone please give me some sort of advice? I'm so confused.. I don't know what else I can do..
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male
reader, Illithid +, writes (2 January 2011):
 He's got low esteem and as much as you're reassuring him, he's got is so easy now that he's not going to snap out of it anytime soon. Trust me, I WAS HIM. Until I got a kick in the seat of my pants, I didn't change. I sat, wallowed in my misery, and saw no reason to change. There will come a point where he either starts to support you, or you have to move on. You can't spend your life being his mother.
I'd say you spend a bit less time telling him that he's fine, and more time helping him to make changed. Drag him along to the gym and work out with him. Get him to sign up for a local soccer club. Heck, one of my ex's started to punch me in the arm every time I insulted myself until I learned to start speaking positively. It might even help if you can make him understand that he's not insulting himself anymore but he's insulting the man you love (that lesson made me feel like I had to stop, because I was hurting my girl with every "I'm fat" that I said). But just telling him you like how he looks isn't going to change anything.
A
female
reader, Miss Misunderstood +, writes (2 January 2011):
Miss Misunderstood is verified as being by the original poster of the question He is not fat at all.. he weighs about 135-140 and is probably around 6'1, and I am about 5'6 and weigh around 115. He doesn't need to lose any weight, he is skinnier than I am.. I'm pretty sure he was only saying that because his abs don't show as much as they used to, but I mean, with a few crunches, leg raises, etc they'd be right back where they used to be. But we'll be back at school soon, and have track practice once again where they make you exercise and lift weights and such.. maybe after getting a few good workouts, he'll stop thinking such nonsense. I truly hope so.. but thankyou in advance to everyone who posts answers to my question. It really means alot. :)
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (2 January 2011):
 I understand that you want to show him lots of love and attention but you need to ask yourself is he doing the same for you? He has very low self asteem and he needs to work on his weight issues himself no matter how many times you tell him that he is ok he needs to believe it himself. He is not going to listen to you am afraid. Tell him if he feels that he is to heavy then to cut down and food and maybe the both of you could take up some excersize together. It could be something that you both do for fun.
Goodluck.
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A
female
reader, fi_the_tree  +, writes (2 January 2011):
 To be honest, it doesn't sound like there is much else you can do! You seem to be doing everything you can already, and if he can't see that, then he's blinded by his own insecurities. Maybe offer to work out with him if you can, this might increase his confidence and means that you can goof around a bit (do a funny run whilst jogging, or getting him to chase you around whilst doing cardio etc)
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