A
female
age
26-29,
*bc12345
writes:I was in a relationship one and a half year ago. The reason for the break up was the guy was cheating on me with another girl. I was devastated because I really loved him. Now I have moved on completely. I dont care if he exists or whatever. But now I have realised that he has emotionally destroyed me. I am afraid to be in a relationship and I no longer believe in love. Even when someone wants to be friends with me, I kick them away because I have trust issues. I cannot trust anyone. I am happy being single but I feel lonely sometimes! I wish I have someone who will love me the way I deserve! What do I do? I am so confused and numb right now!!! Please help me, its my career's peak point as well! Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Abella  +, writes (19 November 2015):
 You certainly were with him long enough to get to know him. No doubt he pressed all the right buttons to make you feel good, at the beginning. And kept on charming you, when it suited him.
But initially he was hiding his true self.
Thank goodness you discovered early enough that he was not worthy of you.
You felt so much love for him that his cheating would have been crushing. I am so very sorry that you suffered that.
He has gone on to other things while you, to help protect you have hardened up your resolve to never trust again. To never allow even a tiny opportunity that might permit you to fall in love again. It is a measure of how important he was to you and what you thought you had with him.
Why should he cheat, hurt you, and still go on to more flirting and possibly more cheating and hurt others while you are left nursing a broken heart.
Stop giving up so much of your power.
Stop allowing his imfluence to hurt your future happiness.
This is a reaction to the betrayal and the grief you feel. It feels permanent as if your heart will never recover. Possibly has affected your health and your inner self to the point where your grief has become depression. Then the depression has stripped you of your trust in the future.
You certainly do need to work through your grief from the initial denial of (this is not happening to me) through to bargaining (if I could just.....) though you will eventually reach a peaceful acceptance that you had a very lucky escape from a cheater.
The way for you to get back to the loving trusting girl you once were you will first of all need to learn to love and value and trust you, all over again.
You achieve that goal of regaining your trust in your decisions by being extra kind and loving and caring towards you.
More on that in a moment.
I think it would help if you asked your doctor to refer you for a chat with a specialist skilled in identifying depression to help you face this possibility and get some help with it.
Depression is treatable.
25% of all people will face depression needing support to overcome it, at some stage in their lives.
The lucky people are those who can remain a positive optomistic, no matter what happens. They are uplifted by smelling a sweetly scented rose, the wonder of a ladybug, the majesty of a waterfall stray filling the sky, the touch of velvet, hearing a symphony.
But depressed people can remain unmoved by all the above.
Depressed people are not to blame for their distress. It is how they've been programmed by a series of bumps in the past culminating in a complete lack of optomism in the future.
You have reached a point where you are able to feel nothing for him.
Well done. He has forfeited the trust you once had for him.
You are better without him as he is likely to cheat again. That is who he is.
You can heal from this.
You are strong enough to learn to have faith in your judgement.
There are people out there who you can learn to trust as friends.
There is a good kind considerate guy out there for you.
Besides professional support via a specialist in depression a depressed person can step back and consider this:
If you keep on seeing the world through the same grey lens. If you keep on seeing the worst possible scenario as the only outcome. If you are certain that things are never going to improve in any way then of course you'll give up trying.
But change is possible and in fact change is inevitable.
Start with little steps. One step at a time.
Start with a daily affirmation and an evening acknowlegement of the good things you did do well. For instance:
''Good morning (your name) today is a brand new day and you will have see or hear about or experience a positive experience today. Give thanks when it happens.''
Develop the habit of rewarding you with nice words. For instance:
''(your name), you did a really job job by .......(what you did) and I am impressed by your (personal quality or skill or compassion or kindness''
Also learn to accept compliments gracefully with ''Thank you'' because people do mean it when they compliment.
Don't ungraciously trash the compliment by negating the words with a personal ''put down'' of yourself or the person who complimented you. It demeans you to do that but does not diminish the compliment.
The Response to a compliment is ''thank you''
Say nothing else of you can't may somethings nice.
Depression, left untreated, will most certainly sap your strength and make the whole world seem like an unhospitable miserable place where there is no hope.
Don't continue to suffer alone.
Nurture you by joining a yoga class and concentrate on inner peace when you attend the classes. This will give support to you in ways that eventually will cause you you to calm your hurting heart.
Nurture you by looking after your skin. Your face, your hands and your body.
Experience some happy times.
Allow yourself time to visit a beautiful garden and smell the flowers.
Try to associate with positive kind people who actively offer you support and considerate guidance. They Want to see you sugseed
Try to limit your time with any relatives or others who don't behave in positive supportive ways or worse, those who who are toxic and say mean things to deliberately hurt you.
Love still does exist in this world.
Why should you, of all people, be denied love?
You have grown accustomed now to being alone and that strength is not a bad thing.
Though your trust it shattered. You don't believe in your ability to find love again.
People do find love again, but how long before they find it can be delayed if they remain fearful and distrustful.
Learn to love you first.
Learn your strengths.
Make decisions that support you.
Join some groups, perhaps for professional development and for reasons associated with your work.
Look after you physically. Dress well and look after your body and your skin. It is a way of caring for you and nurturing your self esteem.
When you have worked through your feelings with a professional and addressed what may be depression and when you feel much stronger emotionally, then you may even choose to offer to do some volunteer work, if that is acceptable to you.
Volunteer work with those less priveleged than ourselves has a way of teaching ourselves about the things we have been blessed with; volunteering often puts things in perspective like no other activity. You can choose to volunteer once only or once a month, or when it suits you.
When you join a group and you get to talk to others and learn more about them then be open to an invitation to attend ot join something.
Be prepared to feel like a fish out of water initially. Because you have denied yourself so much emotionally to the point where you feel lonely. It suggests that your social skills need some re-working too. This is because you have so often chosen to stand apart from others as you retreated back into your shell due to the pain you felt from events earlier.
Explore the concept of Emotional Intelligence with a professional counsellor who understands how to engage you and draw you back into normal positive interactions with other people.
To learn to trust again.
To learn to believe in you.
To learn to regain your faith in you.
Unlike Intellectual intelligence (which is within us and which we are born with)
Versus
Emotional Intelligence - the latter can be learned and enhanced by working through many things to arrive at a point where we love and respect ourselves as much as we love and respect others.
Where we learn to see the signs of who we can trust. Who we can believe in.
Where we are finally able to open ourselves to love again.
The smartest people are those who reach out for help and you are doing that.
In time you will form more friendships and eventually you will meet a person who touches your heart. You will be better able to recognize this person once your trust has returned and you are ready for the next exciting phase of your life.
I wish you well for the future.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 November 2015): If you are doing well in your career that is good but you can expect more to come in tbe future.It is natural to take a break from love after you have been disappointed but very rarely does anyone let this affect them for the rest of their lives.They swear that they will never go near another man again and then one day someone comes along that makez them feel really good and before they are aware of it they start looming forwards to seeing them.Next thing they know they find they are back in love with someone wonderful.I think your career has kept you busy and you have only just started thinking of love again.Thats a very good thing.To be honest you dont really have trust issues..you are still annoyed that your ex was unfaithful ..but thats why he is your ex and you have moved on.Nature has a way of sorting out the chemistry between people.This guy of yours for whatever reason decided that he was looking elsewhere and you found out abouf it and the relationship ended.Its all very normal in this day and age.Cinderella got dressed up for the ball but the ugly sister got the man first ,regardless of her clumsy footwear..We all know life is no fairy tale.You have probably been lucky in life so far and maybe your reluctance to get into a relationship is because you really dont want to continue kissing toads but just want to meet your knight in shining armour...but preferably in the human form.If you go for therapy it will give you the chance to open up..but you sound quite normal to me.That of course means very little to you of course.But i can guarantee you will meet someone new fairly soon.It is extremly unlikely that you will pine and decay like miss haversham out of great expectations, a novel by dickens.You can be let down in love,but you know what they say..if you fall off a horse just get back on and ride it again.As soon as you meet your new love you too will be cantering into the sunset so good luck for the future.Think about what you want from a man..is it friendship,is it a relationship like your parents had,is it a wonderful sex life ,is it a rapid pregnancy or is it engagement and then marriage.If you want marriage then hold out for it and dont have sex because most people dont want the meal of marriage when they have already eaten their full of love.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeygirl  +, writes (19 November 2015):
 Hon, so sorry you have been hurt this way.
I suggest you see a counsellor to help you overcome your feelings of distrust of people.
Contrary to what you say, you are not over his cheating, and it hurt you very much. It is not something that can be brushed aside, you need someone to chat to.
((hugs))
...............................
|
