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age
36-40,
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writes: Hello,I'm writing because I'm in a bit of a situation. I was in a relationship for 7 years from the age of 15 and completely adored the guy. On reflection, he was rather manipulative, unsupprotive and didn't really care about me. This was at a time when my father passed away and I ended up feeling very insecure and suffered from mild depression. I ended up a shell of a person and was completely dependent on him for happiness - he knew this and used it to his advantage. Throughout this, I remained completely faithful. He was my only sexual partner until the age of 23.6 years on we moved in together and things got progressively worse so I decided I had to break things off for my own sanity. Shortly after breaking up, I met a guy from work. He was caring and kind and was completely different from my ex so I decided to "see" him. However, unlike me, I slept with the guy rather quickly and I came away from the situation feeling embarrassed and ashamed as this was completely out of character. Sadly, it became a period of time which I chose to block out of my mind as I felt it portrayed me as a weak person. We were never really together.A few months later, something clicked in my mind and I started to feel happier than ever. Things were going great and I met another guy. Cautious of how I was before, I told the guy that I wouldn't sleep with him until the time was right - true to my word, I didn;t sleep with him until 3 months in and he was respectful of this. However, when he asked me how many people I had slept with I said only one before him - I lied and denied the fact that I slept with the other guy previously. I don;t know why, maybe because I didn;t want him to think that I was the person that I was at the time - I felt like I was vulnerable and I didn't want to reveal this in case the new guy saw me as an easy target - I was cautious of his intentions and didn't want him to see me as just someone to have sex with. We've spoken about this informally a few times and I;'ve never admitted about sleeping with the other person. However, I want to start a relationship on the grounds of completely no lies - I respect him and honesty is always the best policy. How do I approach this? DO you think I will be labelled as a liar? I'm doing this out of respect but also to put that part of my life behind me so I can move on.Thank you for your help!
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male
reader, Yos  +, writes (10 April 2013):
 He'll be more worried that you actually slept with 20 or 200 guys before him than with 2. Two is a very low number, and the circumstances as you describe them make total sense. I don't think you have anything to fear from telling him the truth.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 April 2013): "There was one other guy I was seeing for a little while but nothing came of it."
Simple OP. OP if it only came up as casual conversation then I really doubt you have anything to worry about. Always be wary of guys who make a point of knowing. Too many guys put far too much importance on a woman's past in the wrong way, like the number of guys she's been with is somehow important.
If it ruins things then he's a bit of a child and not worth seeing.
OP no one has an automatic right to know anything about our past. Being open and honest is about the now, not the past and sleeping with a person too soon in your past is no one's business because it doesn't affect the now.
No one has a "right" to know anything that doesn't effect them, your right to choose which parts of your past you open up about is far more important.
If you were a serial cheater in your past, or were abused then he'd have a right to know because it does effect the present and does have an effect on how your relationship may develop. Sleeping with someone too soon is nothing at all in terms of how you will be as a partner.
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (10 April 2013):
 I think you will be fine. It is a small matter, personal (he has no right to know anyways) and you have corrected yourself quickly enough.
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female
reader, chigirl +, writes (10 April 2013):
Tell him the truth, but leave out details. Tell him there was one other guy; but it didnt lead to a relationship and therefor you didnt mention it. Tell him you want to be honest with him, but that you do not intend to lay out details of your past history. It is private, after all.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 April 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your responses. I will definitely tell him as I'm not a liar and I feel there's no grounds for a relationship of any sort unless I'm open and honest. I guess I'm worried that it'll ruin things so early on and he'll see me in a negative light.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 April 2013): "If he truly loves you he will not hold this against you."
This is emotional blackmail, not to mention its also a fundamental misunderstanding of how retroactive jealousy works.
People repeat this statement on almost every discussion about sexual pasts. But that does not make it right.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 April 2013): You are only lying about one other partner but you are making a pretty big change to your sexual history with it. You are leading your BF to believe that you are not capable of having casual sex when the truth is you are. IMHO that is a lot more deceptive than someone saying they have slept with 12 people instead of 16.Many people will say just keep your mouth shut and it won't hurt anything. But you would probably get the same advice from them if you were keeping 5 or 10 casual sex encounters secret from your BF too . . does this outlook on honesty really fit you? Honesty is not demonstrated when the truth is easy, its demonstrated with the truth is hard. I cannot tell you what to do here. But I will advise one thing: If you are EVER, EVER going to come clean about this, then I strongly encourage you to do it right away. Don't wait years and then tell your BF much later.
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female
reader, oldbag  +, writes (9 April 2013):
 HiStop beating yourself up, your hardly a loose woman. No need to mention #2 man at all its your business. He must realise your a 'long term' person who hasn't slept her way round the city.All he needs to know is you have only had sex when you cared about a man.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 April 2013): Hi, just tell him you opted a short term relationship you had as you were in a rebound. Also the fact that you made him wait three months is an indication to him that you dont just jump into bed with any man.Dont be too hard on yourself. We all make mistakes some just dont have the courage to own up and you are taking the steps the recitify a minor detail you did not tell the BF.If he truely loves you he will not hold this against you. And you will know this relationship has a deeper meaning.
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male
reader, eddie85  +, writes (9 April 2013):
 Why not try stating this:
"I have loved and lost before but I have only slept with people I truly cared / loved. That feeling is extremely rare for me and takes time to develop and I reserve that activity for when that event occurs."
That way you are giving him a hint that you aren't a virgin, you don't sleep around and that it is reserved for ones that you love. I think that pretty much sums up everything without revealing a number.
I think you also need to give yourself a break about man #2. It sounds like you were emotionally there, but things sadly didn't work out. That happens and most people have made that mistake from time to time.
Eddie
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