A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Just wondering, is it better to honor a parent that usually has nothing positive to say about your life, and usually puts you down about your appearance, your home, your way of handling finances, raising your child etc. Or just to go cold turkey and have no contact with them? What about if they are elderly, sickly? Will I be judged as a bad person? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Justinara  +, writes (11 June 2012):
Its your call. Do you want Respect? than you will tell your family that they better quit saying mean stuff to you because you are not having it any more. You need to have the courage to tell them that what they have been doing for a long time is hurtful and needs to stop. Some people are not even aware of how they behave around people, so you need to make them aware first. Tell them they should treat you with respect but if they can't do that than you will leave. Don't say it if you don't mean it. Otherwise, they may think you don't mean it and are just doing it to get attention, and will continue to insult you more. And if they still wish to make your life a hell, than you, as a fully grown up need to get your act together and get out. The best revenge you can have on someone is showing them that you can still make a happy successful life without them. If you choose to leave them than go out and do what you wanted to do for yourself all those years, it may be hard but you are free. But please do not resent them, just forgive and let go. Think of it like you are being born again, but this time into something powerful and strong and incredibly fearless. Truly believe that. Take the first step as it will be hard. find a support group and talk matters through with them before you make your choice, but remember whatever you do make a promise that you will stick with it and make the most out of it so if you stay with them than do not be the one who is a doormat, show them you mean business (do it firmly and gently). Life is short and to tell you the truth, you are not getting any younger, and you are reaching your middle age so take your chance now. Good Luck.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2012): There is another option. Make your parent aware of how this makes you feel. One of my friends did this and the relationship between them improved a lot.
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (11 June 2012):
 it is time you started putting yourself first.
your sister looking out for herself and will never put your interests ahead of her own.
but the fact that your sister heaps guilt trips on you - that fact alone is a good reason to ignore her. leave the two of them to be bitter and create the life and the lifestyle you deserve and on terms to suit you. because you have tried your best. but your best will never be 'good enough' for them.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks to everyone who responded. Don't know what I'll do. I do believe she means well, but it is toxic to my self esteem. Usually I shirk it off until it builds then just kinda need to release. My sister and her are super close and she usually joins in, supporting my mom with digs of her own. They have similar outlooks on life. Funny thing though, it has been me mainly since my dad died that visits, brings her things etc. I tried to escape years ago, by moving some 500 miles away, but then got sucked back by my sister and comments how she is alone in that part of the country taking care of our elderly parents etc (guilt trip).
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A
male
reader, The Realist  +, writes (11 June 2012):
 I would let them know that the way they are talking to you is unacceptable and you aren't going to put up with it any longer. If it continues then I would stop talking to that person until I got an apology. Just because the person is a blood relative does not mean you have to put up with their bs. People all have their opinions about this, mine is that I would not pass judgement on someone who did this.
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (11 June 2012):
and protecting you from unjust unwanted behaviour can never mean that you are a bad person. And if you do take this action?And any one is daring to call you 'bad'? Walk away from such ignorant people.Instead your actions in doing this indicate that you are instead likely to be a brave assertive intelligent person who never needs to suffer such appalling undermining ever again
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (11 June 2012):
if you read the book 'Toxic parents' (i bought my copy online) then you will see that, for some parents - the wisest and kindest thing adult children can do is to detach from contact.
If other people choose to judge then that is their problem, not yours. Other people do not live inside the problem. they criticize without knowing the full picture.
Certainly you can keep an eye from a distance, and if they are of an age where they itterly cannot cope living independently then you could step in and make arrangements to help them get support.
But at 36-40 your parents are more likely to be aged 55-75 and so still able bodied and spritely. But also just plain mean and spiteful.
Or if they were older parents when you were born then they may be 75-85 plus and could be starting to experience the start of senile dementia. This would alter their personalities. And they could be lashing out at you. In which case a Doctor should check them for 'legal capacity' to see if they have deteriorated and could become a danger to themselves.
But if they are well, but just plain nasty, bitter, unreasonably critical, undermining you, catty and mean spirited to you? Then as an adult you can walk away.
One tip: do get some counselling for you first, so you can work through and resolve the guilt of needing to do this.
As an adult you are under no obligation to continue to put up with bitter, petty, often jealous and nasty barbs.
As an adult no one else has the right to judge your decision.
And as an adult there is No reason for you to feel any guilt for what is a rational adult decision to deal with adults who refuse to act like nor relate as rational adults.
Your plan also needs to put in place measures that stop mis-guided 'do-gooders' from masterminding 'accidental' meetings with your parents.
And choose to make alternative arrangements for special family days so that you do not weaken.
Tell them to their face that you are breaking with them and have a witness present. And hand them a written, dated, signed account of why you are breaking with them. Keep a copy.
If they abuse, slander, phone you at all hours, or stalk you to get you to change your mind, then get a Court Order so that legally they have to stay away.
What you do to ensure a better life in the future is no ones business but your own.
Best wishes
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (11 June 2012):
 Unless they were abusive, yes probably a bad idea. My grandma is just like that. 90% of what comes out of her mouth is a criticism. Me and my cousins have to fight over who has to talk to her and sit with her at family functions because none of us want to do it. My boyfriend was in shock at how awful being around her was. I thought he was going to cry at having to be a part of that family. My dad has lasting self-esteem problems thanks to her. But he still talks to her, he still visits her.
I feel like completely exiling someone in your family is reserved for the worst offenses. Abuse, stealing money, hurting your kids, not just being critical. All families are critical. You don't have to make your mom a huge part of your life, but you shouldn't totally cut her out of your life. The criticisms are annoying, but she does it because she loves you.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2012): No reason to honor a parent who doesn't honor you.
You won't be judged as a bad person, your estranged parent will be judged as the bad parent he and/or she is.
Best to protect your child(ren) from a toxic parent's toxic influence as a toxic grandparent. If he and/or she become old and infirm all alone, then that's his/her/their problem, not yours.
Cut your losses and move on with your life by cutting him/her/them out of your daily life, but for your own peace of mind you may want to maintain a polite but very distant relationship as opposed to no contact. Two close friends in similar situations chose this route years ago and have never experienced a twinge of regret. They and their children are free of the offending parent's toxic influence (both products of divorce, one at odds with father and one with mother) but immune from guilt trips by taking the high road and maintaining polite distance via infrequent token contacts during holidays and other family gatherings.
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