A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I came out of an abusive relationship with a man who originated from Alger. My ex-boyfriend is sitting behind bars after he beat me up and pushed me down the stairs. The problem is I have a beautiful daughter with him who is just 4 years old and I am worried what to do to prepare myself for future questions. I don't want any contact with her dad / my ex after all what he did to me, but his family overseas keeps in touch and I don't know how to protect my child and actually what to do later when she asks questions and maybe she would want to travel as a teenager and meet her dad's family. He will stand trial sometime this month and there is a strong possibility that he will have to leave the country. His residence permanent was not renewed so he will go back home. At the beginning of the relationship he was really loving and caring and as a matter of fact he wanted to get married in the future and he wanted children. Marriage for us had to wait as he was helping his younger bother financially to get married but we got pregnant. Once I got pregnant and I bought our new house, he changed and became completely a different person. He was diagnosed later as schizophrenic.If you were me what would you do? how can I protect my child and myself, will I hurt my child if I cut all contact with her dad's family? what do I tell her about what he did to me?Any advice would be very much appreciated
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 November 2012): Keep in contact with his family via letters about her progress and photos. If the father of your child goes to prison or is deported, contact is not going to be an issue. And anyway, in these cross-border relationships children can find themselves spirited away to a family they do not know. She needs protecting and maybe when she is older the situation may have changed, but for now you are right to only do what is best for her and also for you.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 November 2012): As a child raised in similar circumstances you don't have to tell your daughter anything but he's gone away on a long holiday and you don't know when he's coming back. She's only 4. She'll get to know more bits and pieces as she gets older.
Let the family stay in contact OP they've done nothing to deserve losing her and they are half of who she is as a person.
My mom didn't stay in contact with my fathers family and they were foreign too. When I met them as an adult I found them to be the loveliest, kindest people you could meet. I kind have would have liked to have grown up knowing them 19 years of not having them in my life seemed very long after finally meeting them. Half my culture was alien to me, I couldn't even speak my own language.
OP your child will be protected from him, but you honestly don't know whether she needs protecting from his family, I don't think that will be the case but you never know so always be prepared to act quickly to respond to anything that comes up.
Remember though denying her half of her family is denying her so many things including half of her entire support network and the possibility her family are good people who will be an important part of her life.
It takes a bit more work, a bit more than just cutting everyone off and forgetting them, but in the long run it will be worth it, because she's worth it.
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A
female
reader, oldbag +, writes (6 November 2012):
 Hi
I agree with ABB, you should keep up the contact with his family, letters, photos, let them see how she is growing and,after all,his family haven't done anything wrong.
If in years to come your daughter wants to visit them you can go with her.And yes check all laws etc for their country and yours,but thats a long way off.
Your ex hopefully won't be around, either in prison or deported.You have bought your own home so have security and you have a beautiful daughter, you have alot to look forward to.
Good luck
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 November 2012): Please allow me to say this in no way form or fashion would you be harming your child by leaving this womanbeater .Your child has the right to be in a healthy environment and by leaving this bum is the great thing you could have ever done.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (6 November 2012):
 At this stage if his family are interested in maintaining contact with your daughter, via letters and cards and exchanging photographs I would continue with that. Especially if they are aware the relationship between you and he ended with him in jail. If they don't know you need to let them know. Write them a letter, straight and outlining the facts only, if you can't do this get somebody else to write on your behalf. If they still want contact I cannot see a problem with it.
You do not have to keep contact with your abusive ex, when your daughter grows a little you can tell her you stopped living together because he used to hurt you. No need to go into details at this stage.
While I am not advocating you to completely dismiss any idea of your daughter wanting to visit her father's family at some stage you dont need to worry too much about that now, if you find the communication between you all is more negative than positive you can cut back and ease it out. If your daughter does want to visit in the future, make sure you check out all legalities and enquire with relevant government departments about safety and security for her at that time.
good luck, hopefully your ex will be deported and you will be able to get on with your life.
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A
female
reader, Bdavis414  +, writes (6 November 2012):
First I am so sorry for what you had to go through. No one should have to go through with that. My mom was abused but luckily it wasnt my father who was abusing her. But if it were me I don't think I would let him anywhere near her. This is a traumatic event in your life. I dont think anyone would expect you to keep in contact with him or the family. I think you should continue to let your daughter talk and get to know the family. They didnt do anything and obviously care about her enough to keep in contact. It will hurt her if she wants to see and speak to them. But i think if you do it right and at the right time in her life, if you explained what her father did to you and why you dont want him around, i honestly believe she will understand. At the end of the day you have to look after yourself. But i also know that your daughter means everything to you and protecting her is also very important. Go with your gut and I don't think you can go wrong. She will eventually understand. Just show her how much you love her and she will love you no matter what.
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