A
male
age
30-35,
*o confused 787
writes:My GF of almost 6 years has previously cheated on me, the man she cheated on me with was in another state and as far as i know she only actually met up with him 4-5 times. Most of their communication was via skype and she would spend hours every day on her phone which i now know she was just talking with this man. This went on for 10 or so months. She was quite distant during this time and extremely protective and secretive with her phone. After I found she had cheated on me I broke up with her. She he did so during a state in which she was on anti depressants, in her teens she was subjected to some verbal abuse from her parents about her weight (she was never that overweight), was raped when she was 15 and later developed an eating disorder to the point where she was briefly hospitalized. I believe this effected her mental state during that time so after a brief break up I got back with her on the condition she was to never lie and be secretive with her phone and she had to get her eating disorder under control.3 years later her eating disorder has crept back bit by bit, she is secretive with her phone and if I go near her often she will quickly get out of what she is in and when asked she will say she wasn't in anything. If she goes out on weekends with friends who I have not met almost always her phone will go flat or be left in her car, I am at the stage where I once again don't trust her. I have brought these issues up and tried to talk to her multiple times however she never listened. As such I broke up with her again as it was effecting me so profoundly that I found most nights I could not sleep as all I did was turn things over in my head, I was always suspicious of her and it was destroying what we had left in the relationship.She tells me she loves me and that she is not doing anything with her phone and that I have to trust her. She said she is aware that she has issues that she needs to work on. However I feel as we had already had multiple fights about these issues she should have taken consideration for how I was feeling and changed what she was doing. I have no proof but I feel this situation, while not as bad, is similar to the one I have already been through. if you have nothing to hide I dont think you should care if your partner sees your phone, I personally have no issues with her going onto my phone as I have nothing to hide. And beyond that she had previously promised me to never do this again, my trust of her is in ruins. On the other side of this I have had the happiest years of my life with this woman and I love her and want her to be happy. There are no kids involved and any break will be clean.I want to get some opinions, should I stay with this girl and give her yet another chance and trust that she isnt doing anything? Or am I just asking to be hurt all over again?
View related questions:
broke up, cheated on me, overweight Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 August 2014): This is truly the most difficult kind of issue to give advice on. It is easy to stand aside and tell people, you should just leave them. However; in your case, you have forgiven this woman before. You have broken-up twice, but you haven't learned a lesson.
When you forgive someone, they must be willing to do everything humanly possible not to do what they did to hurt you that way again. If they don't, they do not value your trust. When people do not value your trust, they don't deserve it. That means, they don't deserve to have you.
That means you love them, more than they love you. In successful relationships, everyone is on the same page.
Everyone puts forth the same effort. It's not one-sided.
Now getting back to all her troubles of the past. That doesn't give her the right to be unfaithful or dishonest.
The abuse-excuse doesn't always keep people out of jail; because we still know right from wrong. If we want to be in a committed-relationship; then we have to be willing to keep up our end of keeping it monogamous, and earn the trust that is put in our care.
That is part of showing someone how much you love them. If your judgement is so damaged by the past that you cannot do this; then you have no business being in a committed-relationship. I presume you have an exclusive relationship because you broke up with her for cheating. If you want an open-relationship, you have to have a partner in agreement.
Not with someone trusting you to be faithful.
If you're not able to be faithful within a monogamous-relationship, you should be busy getting help to prepare you to do so. Or, just have a series of meaningless relationships where nobody gets hurt.
She is dishonest. Plain and simple. She has problems, but dishonesty and inability to control her venturing outside your relationship doesn't warrant letting her off the hook each and every-time. If she's well enough to hide it, she knows it's wrong.
There comes a point when you're starting to become a martyr in a relationship. Repeatedly taking an emotional-beating and hiding behind denial.
You want to keep her, no matter what she does. You'll continue to suffer for it. You're supposed to feel happy and comfortable within a relationship. Not all the time, but most of it. I'd say a healthy 90% of it.
You have to deal with your problems together, and you work them out. You don't breakup and go back for the same punishment. That isn't smart, because it turns you into a bitter and cynical person toward everyone else. People who don't know when to get out of a situation and just stay, remain at their own peril. It often does irreparable damage to them emotionally; that carries over into future relationships. They become damaged-goods, and someone else has to deal with their issues. Not fair. Not fair at all!!!
You already know the answer to your question. No one can make-up your mind for you. You know your own threshold of pain. If you're masochistic, and this feels good to you.
Trust her. If you don't, time to man-up and stop letting her use her past as an excuse for the things she does to hurt you in the present. You've given her chances to change, and she hasn't.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 August 2014): You have a good grasp on the situation already, so you know the answer. It can be very hard to leave someone you love, but what good is love when you're miserable? Trust me, whatever happiness you had with her can be found with someone else, minus the heartbreak.
It appears that her emotional issues are at the root of this. And she likely is cheating again because she never adressed those issues in the first place. And THAT is the problem. A promise will not prevent things like this from reoccurring. She should have adressed her insecurity, and the fact that she didn't says all you need to know about her commitment to your relationship.
Anyways, she is probably cheating again and will do it again and again unless she actually fixes things instead of making empty promises because she is too insecure to lose you.
...............................
A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (3 August 2014):
 I don't think so. You can be a naturally trusting person but once trust is broken you can't just tell yourself to trust. You see that trust is used as a verb but not really, it is your feeling and your mental state. You are either able to trust or not. If she cheats again it won't hurt as bad as the last time. You would just tell yourself you made the choice to be with her, and you didn't rely on your gut and wasted time.
It would be hard to excuse a person from cheating just because she had a painful past. The outcome is the same, you get hurt and your heart doesn't really care what she's been through. It's unfortunate she has her issues. It's better to be happy with a girl without those issues than to risk your mental and physical health and be happy sometimes but worry a lot of the times. She says she loves you but her actions show that she didn't. Her need for attention and approval overshadows her concern for your feelings.
...............................
|
