A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi,I need help on how to tell my partner I think his mother has Jocasta syndrome. We have been together just over a year and a half. He is 22 and studying at university, I'm a year older and work full time, we are engaged since 4 months in to our relationship and living together as of the end of this month and I'm 12 weeks pregnant. Neither of us planned this, but it has happened and when I decided I couldn't get an abortion I gave my partner the choice of walking away and never coming back ( I would never think or say anything bad about him ) as I feel he should have a choice as he decided he wants to stick around. Our lives would be perfect if it wasn't for his mother.Even before I was pregnant she hated me. The first time she met me I really tried with her but she was very hostile towards me, then my partner caught her talking about me saying quite mean things. He did confront her about this but the next time I saw her she was even worse. It's like she talks to him but not me, his dad talks to me more. She disagrees with everything I say and makes an awkward atmosphere. Still this didn't deter me from paying £80 for a photographer and framing a photo of my partner for her birthday present. On the weekend of her birthday she did the same thing, acted like I wasn't there and everything I say is wrong. Since I have been pregnant I haven't seen her, my partner has gone there this weekend without me because his mum has asked him not to bring me she said in her message "it's hard on me because I am always waiting for the next outrageous thing she says or does" when I read this, I felt like leaving my partner and bringing my baby up on my own.When my baby is born I will not have an atmosphere around it, therefore it is time things got sorted with his mother, I have read online about Jocasta complex syndrome, this suits his mothers behaviours, it is when a mother has some sort of attraction to her son and fantasises about them in a sexual or non sexual way. Now I look back on it his mum has told him before he needs to lose weight (he's not fat he has just put on weight from being happy I suppose, but I still think he's the most sexy man on the planet) she was determined to sort our flat out with him, I had no say in any decisions to do with my own flat, she has a joint bank account with him, she thinks I am not good enough for him and the list goes on.I am thinking of leaving my partner because of her, I don't want my baby around her the way she is now. Every time I talk to him about his mother he doesn't want to listen because he knows we don't like each other's. This needs to be sorted today or I want to leave because of her.Please help me what should I do?
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male
reader, Americo  +, writes (28 September 2014):
Hi. I feel sorry for you. First of all, this motherly possession of her son(s) or daughter(s) in some women CAN be disruptive. And in the case of my mom, it has been for more than 50 years. My mom is 80 years old and STILL feels she owns me. I don't say that lightly. My mom her entire life has meddled in my life. She has been specially brutal against my wife. I have insulted my mom. I have stop visiting mom. I have explained probably 200 times to my mom to respect my wife. Nothing, absolutely nothing has changed over the years. It is a constant battle that unfortunately few people understand. I don't think there is a mental health term for this syndrome. It is non-sexual. My mom simply feels that she owns me. My recommendation to you. If your man does not stand up to his mom and defend you, you might as well give up that relationship. You cannot win without his help.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 August 2014): I was stuck in a marriage for 18 years with a mother in law who I hated and who hated me. We hated each other on sight. She was manipulative, spoilt, nasty and a whiny horrid woman and undoubtedly she felt the same about me. We never got along and avoided each other all the time. It was very tiring and I am sure my poor husband was caught in the middle. When we got divorced I imagine she was delighted and I was delighted that I would never see her number come up on the phone again. Not everybody gets along and it can be really hard. Things will change when you have a child as she will have to change her attitude if she wants to have anything to do with your baby so your time will come. I would not suggest that you ever mention the Jocasta syndrome to your husband as he will not like hearing this and it will go against you. I once made a very unsavory suggestion about my MIL and her relationship with my then husband and it went down like a lead balloon although I am pretty damn sure I was right! Keep that thought to yoursel for a happy life.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (3 August 2014):
 Look, you have the upper hand here. Yes, they have a joint bank account, but once you and him are married he can't have that account with her. He'll be having joint accounts with you. And once your child is born, she wont necessarily get to meet this child. You know? You've got the upper hand. Once you and him are married, you will live with him, she's lost him. She's fighting a battle she's already lost, as long as you play calm and patient. Just hang in there, and soon you'll have her out of your way.
Remember, old people die too. She wont be in your life forever. And once married, maybe you and him will move somewhere else.. Hmm, lost of opportunities to get away from her.
Do not under any circumstance play doctor and tell him about your "diagnosis" of his mother. It'll only serve to alienate YOU. No man wants to hear such things about his mother, and besides, why would you want to interfere with his relationship to her? It's her relationship to YOU that is the problem. I suggest you instead talk to your boyfriend about this relationship and work on a plan together of how you can improve things.
For example, he needs to stand up for you in front of her. He will actually have to take sides in this matter, but say so discretely. You and her are going to be a family soon, she will be the grandmother of your child. It will be in everyones best interest if she can bury her disgust of you and play nice. That also means no backtalking and sending messages of the sort to her son.
How does your boyfriend react to this? What has he said and done?
Just be patient and play it cool. You have the upper hand, you won this battle already. So don't let her charades and drama convince you otherwise. He's yours, and she knows it, which is why her claws are all out.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 August 2014): Lol, a mother of a 22 years old, might not be an old lady at all, may bein her mid 40s.
I had a kind of similar situation with my mother in law almost 30 years ago.
I was a young girl just of high school, when I met my husband. First she said, I am too young, then that I am not pretty enough for him, then thati can't cook, it was true i didn't know how to cook. Then when our daughter was born, I was a bad mother. Finally I told my husband that I really don't want her around me. But then we moved to a different country.
Now sheis all sick, old, has Parkinson and now she loves me, calling me darling and so on.
Situation with yours more serious because your boyfriend doesn't stand up for you. This is his direct job to protect you from this kind of stress especially you being pregnant. Things that his mother says about you are outrageous, and how do you know this, does he tell you???
Also you might be right about her syndrome. I read about it once also, it not nesessarily might mean sexual, but other thing that you mentioned.
I wouldn't say it to him, but may be it is the fact.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 August 2014): You may not like your partner's mother; but if you told him that his mother has Jacosta Complex, he may turn on you like nobody's business. You don't go around telling a guy his mother is incestuous. You will make an enemy of both of them.
His mother doesn't like you for her own reasons, and that's between you two women. Women tend to see through each other.
We know your reasons for not liking her; unfortunately the aunts and uncles don't get to hear from your fiance' or his mother. Then we'd get a complete picture.
To imply something so horrific, signifies just how much you don't like her. Perhaps she knows just how much you don't, and may see things about you that you cannot hide from her.
If you marry her son, she comes with the package. You just might need to think carefully if you will be able to accept it all, or walk.
Some women have very good intuition; and they foresee things in people. I think his mother just doesn't feel you're right for her son. She is just being a protective mother. It's really none of her business to choose his girlfriends; but that has nothing to do with her sexual desires for her son. If she ever heard such a thing from you, she will do everything within her power to make life even more miserable for you.
Don't ever mention such a thing to a guy about his mother, true or untrue. I think your hormones are getting the better of you, and you being extra sensitive. Use DC as your place to vent, and take the advice to rearrange your thoughts and intentions toward your boyfriend's family.
Particularly his mother. That is dangerous territory. If someone said something like that about my mother, I would never set eyes on them again. If there was an unborn child involved; I'd fight for full custody. Just me.
Sometimes people just don't like you for no apparent reason. If you're engaged to the woman's son, you're the one trying to make your way into the family. To do that, you'll just have to find a way to get along with the bitchy old lady. Not by accusing her of being hot for her own son. If you weren't pregnant she'd probably rip your tongue out for that. Be careful.
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A
female
reader, E love +, writes (3 August 2014):
Well first off man up! Don't let any one have influence on your relationship, she might feel this way because hasn't maybe yet accepted what going on between you and Her son, as far.as building a relationship wit her dont beat your self up, You can only do so much to try and make someone see your worth having a relationship With but if there not ready to see.there.just not Ready to see you need to accept.that and know.all you can do is be there with open arms when they are ready and.that your humble.and
Grateful to know there in your life. Believe me when baby comes every thing gonna be alot different I promise buuuuuut if it isint you gotta keep your head head up no. matter what comes in your way. Women to women the only.thing you gotta worry about is.you your baby.and how your gonna make.that money ;) be smart, be responsible, stay motivated and don't give up!
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