A
male
age
30-35,
*umb742
writes:We met when I was 19 and she was 17. I was in College at the time, her just finishing Highschool. We have been dating for 3 years. In Sept. 2010 she began attending University located 45 minutes away from where I our hometown was in which I attended College (I am now graduated and employed in the same city).Our relationship was "amazing" for the first 2 years, like most young loves. Her being 2 years younger I was her First love, and she was my first Real love. Our love came to a test when it was time for her to move away for University. We didnt think of it as long distance, for the cost of a 45 minute commute we were excited for the advantages of her living outside of her parents roof. When she moved away she had lived in a townhouse her parents had bought for her to live in while renting the other rooms out. She ended up living with her Bestfriend from childhood as well as 3 other male students who were interested in renting.Over that first school year we had our ups and downs, which I associated with the distance and stress from my last year of College/her first year of Uni. Overall our relationship went from "Amazing" to "Pretty damn good". Summer 2011 comes, she moves back home for a summer job, things return to "Amazing". Summer starts to come to an end. Second week of August and she informs me about how amazing the summer was to her, and how lucky she was to have me, but that she wants to be single when she returns to University to experience "everything it has to offer". She breaks up with me.As heartbreaking as it was, as well as it coming out of "nowhere" I remained my calm and accepted it. I truly love her and if that is what she truly wanted then who am I to stop her, she was going to do it with or without me there. (I've been in that position before with a previous girlfriend, the feeling of being young and having so much out there for you that you start to think "am I missing out?"). We break contact and I start the painful road to recovery with the help of my friends, but knowing that this situation was a risk I was willing to take 3 years ago when I started this relationship with her.A week goes by and I get a phonecall from her telling me that she is miserable, and that she needed to talk to me. We meet up, she explains that she has done a lot of thinking over the week of being apart from me and has decided that she doesnt want to be the person she explained the previous week, how knowing that she had ended the only thing that she truly cares about in life, our relationship, and that she would do anything to have me back.In my eyes she had done a lot of growing up that week away from me. She saw where she was in life, and evaluated everything that was important to her. And the best thing is she had done it on her own terms, with no input from me. Was this her realizing that I was her first REAL love, was this unconditional love, the love I had started to feel towards her? I believe it was.I tell her of course we can start this relationship where we left off, and that the past week has only made us stronger as a couple. She starts to cry, and tells me that she still has something she has to tell me.She repeats that I am what she wants, and always will want from now on, so she has to tell me something that might jeopardize everything but that it needs to be said in order for her to move on. She informs me that she had slept with her Male Roomate .. Multiple times a month, during the entire school year. This twisted my stomach into a knot, the pain was unbelievable. She claims it was out of loneliness, and out of simplicity. (I visited her once/twice a week all last year.. Who knows the real reason.)Now I have cheated once before in a previous relationship, and I used to think like everyone says, "once a cheater always a cheater". But I proved to myself that saying is wrong as I had been faithful to her the entire relationship, even when temped by other women at times.After five hours of talking about every little detail about the situation and what was going to happen next I found enough love left to start the long process to forgive her, telling her that I will be hard and that I cant guarantee that things would work out but that I was willing to try. I was willing to try for the fact that she told me, on her own terms, the truth. She was under no pressure, I had no assumption, and she could have kept it a complete secret and our relationship would have started again. Although it didnt help ease the pain, knowing this did give me the knowledge that she truly had changed on a maturity level and that I was what she truly wanted, but put it all on the line in order for our relationship to start off pure and honest.Over the past few weeks we have slowly grown back together, stronger and stronger. She had taken great steps to gain my trust back (although im sure its months if not years away from full recovery). The biggest step was she confronted her Roommate and told him that she had told me about it and that I was what she wanted. She had asked him to move out. He got angry and now refuses to move (he is under a legal lease for the 2011/12 school year so he can not be forced to leave, but in my mind it is the proper thing to do).Anyways She moved back in this weekend as the school year has started. It is driving me nuts having her Male Roommate living there still in the same townhouse, with his bedroom down the hall from hers. As much as I prepared myself for this I didnt help. I feel like I cannot leave her alone with him, ever. I want to trust her again, but Im not foolish enough to put my guards down anytime soon, this is long to be a long process, but deep down I know I want it to work. I confronted her today (As I was leaving back to my hometown for work tomorrow) that I am no longer okay with her being with him there, that I have no trust and as much as she says that those days are long gone, and to be 100% honest im sure they are, I was not okay with it. She offered to come home and live with me in my house for the days I had to work, so I would know that she wasnt with him. And on weekends have me live in the townhouse with her. This shows me she is going a great distance to make this work, further proving that she has changed. And here I am. Stuck thinking all of this over.I am young, there may be plenty of other women out there for me. But after being in plenty of relationships, she is different. Different enough to allow for this to happen again? Hell no. Different enough to allow this to happen once? I am working my way through that.Any advice or opinions, or even someone to talk to would be greatly appreciated. Has anyone any ideas on how to make this work? Has anyone any ideas on why I shouldnt be trying to make this work?Anyone who hasnt experienced being cheated on can post simple one liners like "Stay with her if you love her" or "Kick her to the side of the road" remarks, I know I used to, I was so black and white back then, but I'm asking to please refrain from them unless you go into detail on your opinions.Thank you everyone in advance.FiguringThingsOut.
View related questions:
long distance, move on, roommate, university Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Samidou  +, writes (14 September 2011):
if you think you can have a sexual relations with her and not think of that and get sick then good luck
She seems nice and really good for what she did and admitted.
You obviously are in love with her.
But while you were visiting her once or twice a week she was having sex with someone else multiple times a month during a whole year!
Come on buddy open your eyes and wake up.
its not like she cheated once and was drunk and it was a mistake she did it over and over again.
I'm not telling you all this because i wanna hurt you more i need you to realize and i don't want you to get hurt in the future
hope i helped
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 September 2011): She was cheating on you for a year, bud. That is not a mistake, that is a habit. That is a chronic habit of lying to your face to get the two men at once that she was enjoying.
Yes, she did ENJOY it or she would not have done it. Don't kid yourself. There had to be times during that year she was lying to your face about how much she loved you while she had been merrily riding her roommate's dick only hours earlier. If you cannot stand to think about her doing this stuff then I suggest you don't stay with her. Because she did do it.
...............................
A
female
reader, chickpea2011  +, writes (13 September 2011):
 Hi,
I am sorry that you had to go through this horrible experience. I know how you feel. I've been there... My ex and I were together for 10 years, 2 years ago he started seeing another woman, and i just caught & found out 1 year ago. He denied, blame on me, refuse to talk or explain, so I walk away.
I know cheating have no excuses, nothing can justify, and almost impossible to forgive. But, in your case, I think you should give your girlfriend a second chance. Reading your story, describing how she confronted you, took responsibility for everything, admit, talk to you for 5 hours, and now is doing her best and everything to probe that she lives you shows her character.
...............................
|
