A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I am an 18 year old female, still a virgin, but I'm scared to have sex. I was sexually harassed for 3 years by my father and I'm scared that I wont ever be able to trust a guy enough to have sex with them. Am I going to out grow this or am I going to be "stuck" like this for good?? I'm so confused....
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male
reader, rcn  +, writes (15 April 2009):
 I want you to write a letter to your dad, You don't have to send it, it's the process that counts. In this letter I want you to vent, "you did this, and this is what your actions did to me." Be detailed, get mad, let it all out. Then, in your heart, forgive him for his actions. Do this not because he deserves to be forgiven, but because you deserve to be happy without all this affecting you.
Now about sex. It's natural. For you with your short answers shows you're a bit uncomfortable discussing sexual issues. You develop anxiety when put in that situation, so we'd need to view it in a different way.
When you're with someone and you're kissing and touching etc. He's there because HE DESIRES YOU. It's not your position to try deciding why he is with you, or his to decide why you're with him. You know why you're with the other person, and so do they. If you're interested in overcoming this, practice focusing on the enjoyment, and feelings, not on self conscious thoughts. Mold yourself into the moment, and don't ask yourself "what if"
I think you can overcome this, and really enjoy being with another person. Remember, you deserve to be happy. Even though the past took away part of you, it didn't change you who really are.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 April 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWhen I have been put in the situation, I usually end up starting to hyperventilate and freak out... and I'm really self conscious...
I also just want to thank you guys... youre really awesome and supportive =)
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (14 April 2009):
First, be proud you did not let it go all the way. It is not at all acceptable what he did to you, but it happened. What is also not acceptable is allowing the actions of another person ruin your life or chance for happiness.
You can not control the actions of another person. The only person you have control over is you.
Let me ask you this, if pit in a position where sex might take place, what would go through you're mind? What thoughts are inducing the fear that might cause you to hold back? When you view yourself, or may have someone else view you without cloths on, do you feel self conscious or are there thoughts about being inappropriately touched in the past?
I'm sorry about all the questions. I'm trying to get information to provide you with an answer that will not only help with your fear, but to give you a greater chance to really connect with the person you're with.
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A
female
reader, Miami Ad-Vice  +, writes (14 April 2009):
That's so sad and it is completely understandable why you feel that way. I think you need to speak to someone and definitely get counselling, if you aren't getting counselling already. I think when you meet the right guy and you fall in love and you are comfortable with him, you will learn to trust him. Just don't rush it, take your time and don't let anyone pressure you into doing anything you don't want to do!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 April 2009): As long as you're out in the world and in situations where you can develop healthy relationships, you will "grow out of it." It's perfectly reasonable to feel the way you do. Give it time, and be careful about who you trust, but not so careful that you never give a guy a chance.
You might want to consider counselling, too, to work through the issues you have with your father. The sooner you come to terms with the way he treated you, the more receptive you'll be to an appropriate relationship when the right guy comes along.
Good luck!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 April 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThere was mainly physical... i wouldnt let him go all the way tho.....
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 April 2009): hey. my father sexually molested me for a while. eventually i was able to trust a guy and we are actually married now. sex is a scarey thing for people like us. it makes us feel like were doing something wrong. it was really hard to break down my wall but i believed in myself and i knew it wasnt my fault and for him to take eveything i had, just tore me down. you wont be stuck w/ this, you are strong. you will get through this. it is only a matter of time.
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (14 April 2009):
OK, you're still a virgin. I know this must be embarrassing for you to talk about what happened. Since you're father did not penetrate, how far did this harassment go? Was there any physical contact or was it all verbal? If verbal, please include an example of what he'd say. The direction this harassment went will help direct you to overcoming this fear.
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