A
female
age
41-50,
*ardia
writes:Navigating a rocky week of good but scary communication. On 3 occasions now (most recently the other night) my boyfriend has said this (or something similar): "In case something ever happens [we break up], promise me you'll still be my friend and won't completely drop out of my life. I just couldn't handle that." He has abandonment issues. He freaks when I get upset or appear that I'm leaving. He has said that he doesn't want me to go anywhere and he's not looking for anyone else. But this kind of thinking seems to be setting himself up for failure in our relationship. I've told him numerous times I'm not going anywhere either, unless he gives me a reason to (cheats on me or something like that). Insight is appreciated. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 October 2011): this is such a common scenario and yet that doesn't make things any easier. you have this dynamic where he's highly insecure and freaks out if he thinks you're going to abandon him, and probably he's hypersensitive so it takes very little to freak him out, thus requiring you to tip toe around or live in constant 'fear' that you're not doing enough to stop him freaking out. Being only human, there's only so much you can tolerate of his behavior and impositions on you until you start to feel like this relationship is a burden not a joy because it centers around his negativity. this will probably show through in your behavior eventually even if you try to mask it - you may become less enthusiastic in your greetings or interactions, show less interest in spending time with him, be more annoyed or irritable around him...and these are the very things that he fears. So yes it's really a self-fulfilling prophecy for people like him. By not taking responsibility for their own emotional health but making it their partner's job to keep them calm, they drive their partners away emotionally, or cause their partners to shut down towards them, and are creating the very situation they fear the most.
A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (1 October 2011):
 The best thing you can do to help your boyfriend overcome his abandonment issues is to treat him as though he doesn't have any. Pandering to them only reinforces them and it teaches him to rely on others instead of himself for security. It also jeopardizes your own well being by placing huge demands upon your time and freedom.Certainly be warm and compassionate, but don't spend too much time offering reassurances and don't make unrealistic promises such as vowing to never hurt him or remaining friends in the event of a break up. No one wants to be abandoned and his feelings are not more painful for him then ours are for us.
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A
female
reader, chocoholicforever +, writes (1 October 2011):
He needs to learn how to reduce or to deal with his abandonment fears more effectively because over time it can really destroy a relationship.
Right now his abandonment fears may just manifest itself in him making off hand comments like this. But this could be just the start.
such fears often dont' go away by themselves just like that. In fact they often get worse over time. For every fear, there's something or some things that trigger them. If you're afraid of of heights, then being in a tall building will trigger your feelings of fear. So one way to deal with that so it doesn't impair your functioning is to either reduce your fear by therapy (train yourself to overcome your fear of heights, with the help of medication if necessary) or to simply avoid tall buildings for the rest of your life so that your fear doesn't get triggered.
But for fear of abandonment, it's extremely hard to avoid the trigger. The only way to improve the situation (meaning to reduce the anxious person's distress and the negative impact on their relationships) is for them to face it head on and actively deal with it in an effective way. And learning these "effective ways" might require the help of a therapist and maybe also medication.
many people who have abandonment fears don't do that, or they try to but go about it in an unguided, ineffective way such as by insisting their partner do things so that their abandonment fears don't get triggered. For example, they may first demand that their partner call them every night - as long as the partner faithfully calls on the dot every night, the anxious person's abandonment fears are kept at bay. In the short term this seems to take care of the problem so both the partner and the anxious person seem OK with this arrangement.
But this is not a long-term solution because the anxious person's mental and emotional well-being now depends entirely on their partner. This is way too much responsibility for their partner or anyone else. sooner or later the partner won't be able to continue doing it without fail and then the abandonment fear gets triggered. another problem with this approach is that the anxious person gets 'rewarded' for making their partner responsible for their emotional health - it worked the last time, so why not the next time too. So as a result the anxious person starts asking the partner to do more and more things to keep their abandonment fears at bay (e.g. now instead of calling everynight it has to be every afternoon and every night. Or the partner is no longer allowed to go out with friends without them as well. Or the anxious partner now needs to check their partner's emails to make sure there's nothing fishy going on). The anxious person learns that only if their partner continually "proves" to them that all is well, their abandonment fear will stay suppressed. So as a result the other partner is now responsible for not triggering the anxious person's fear. Again, this is way too much responsibility for the other person.
I have seen relationships like this degenerate because the anxious partner's list of things that the other person must do, in order to make the anxious person not feel abandoned, just keeps getting longer and longer and the partner eventually starts to feel overwhelmed and unable to keep up and resentful like their life is being controlled by the anxious partner (which it is, in reality). Then resentment breeds, the relationship deteriorates, and the anxious partner still feels anxious and upset etc etc.
So what I'm trying to say is..your bf needs to learn to reduce or effectively manage his own abandonment fears on his own and not make you responsible for it. Right now he's only starting to do so (such as by making you "promise" certain things, or by making you alter your behavior unnaturally so it doesn't appear that you're going to leave him). If left unchecked, it's very possible that his fears could intensify and the list of things you "have" to do to keep him from freaking out get longer or more difficult for you to keep up with.
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A
male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (1 October 2011):
 From the sounds of it, you've already answered your question. Your boyfriend does appear to have abandonment issues and my guess is that he has been mistreated or forgotten by girlfriends in his past. Right now, he has very strong feelings for you and is expressing his fears verbally.
Could it be self-fulfilling prophecy? Maybe. You don't mention how long you've been together and if your relationship is fairly new, his fears of losing you are at their strongest.
When he gets this way, you should simply say that you understand his feelings for you and that you would never treat him poorly (hopefully this is the case). Also, explain to him you feel the same way: that he matters to you and he has impacted your life in a positive way.
If you feel secure in your relationship and that this man is a keeper, you may want to add that you have confidence that the two of you have the ability to overcome any hurdles that may arise and that he has been a key and memorable person in your life and that no matter what happens (within reason) he'll always be apart of it.
In time, he will grow stronger in his faith in your relationship and in you, and this will be a passing issue. It just sounds like he needs some verbal support.
Good luck.
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