Will he make life difficult for me if I end it?

A female age 51-59, anonymous writes:

Hello I have been with my second Husband for two and a half years. We met four months after my first Husband and i split. My first Husband and I had been together fourteen years with two beautiful children and had no major problems until we grew apart and I found out he started texting a girl at work he admitted he kissed her I was so hurt I ended it despite his pleas. My second Husband and I relationship has been more than eventful. Six weeks into meeting him the ex Partner who he told me he was in the process of splitting with when I met him, accused him of assaulting her he had more marks and denied it he asked me if he could stay with me as was not allowed back to his house even to collect his things. I gave him the benefit of the doubt and took him in. We had been getting on really well and I did not want to judge too quickly like i prob did before. Turns out that day he had gone to his old house slept with his ex then had messages off me so she hit him he pushed her away. He went to court the judge convicted him with min fine i think he thought he was a cad so even if he had more injuries than her he deserved conviction. I now know his ex did not know they had finished he told her he was just going out with the boys golfing etc She obviously hated me with good reason as he had portrayed me as leading him astray as for me he said he was confused and i forgave him. After the trial he nearly lost his job and his ex would not let him see his two kids who were the same ages as mine 3 and 5 at the time. He struggled terribly had ocd which really set in worse i and my children tipped toed around the house excusing it as stress through not seeing his kids. I caught him kissing someone in a night club again excuse was confused I forgave him. I let him live in my house rent free for six months to help him pay his legal fees. He said he could not have anything to do with my kids and would not go out with us as he felt guilt over not seeing his. I got pregnant the ocd was terrible the mood swings were terrible as he wanted to go out on a sat and leave me at home pregnant on my own i was terrified he would cheat as he cheated before. About three times he did go leaving me upset with evenings of terror as to what was happening i asked him to leave he never would and would be sorry and i would forgive him my confidence and self esteem deteriorated. There was a message on facebook from a girl i knew her asked her if anything happened between them she said no but he said he was single he said she was lying. He went to his ex house and would lie where he was going even though i had told him i did not mind him seeing his kids. He went out for the day with his ex and the kids as he said it was the only way he could see them came back and told me he would have to probable leave to see his kids he didnt. I found a letter in his car to his ex he was hiding his car keys and i had to sneak out at 5 am to find it, he passed it off as only thinking of sending it to see kids said in letter he missed spending time with her and kids. I found kisses on t to her and from her eight to nine phone calls a day. His ex rung him one day said he could not see the kids any more i suspect it was because he had not left me like he promised her. I found work but it was self employed and i struggled to earn commission. He was only giving me £450 per month towards the £1900 a month bills as he said it was all he could afford despite earning £1750 a month and his only outgoings were £418 child maintenance. Afer i lost my job he gave me £650 per month still not half the bills he said why should i pay for your children we were married and i was eight months pregnant with his child. He still did not bother with my kids bearly saying hello saying he missed his he would not go to court as they appointed caff cass to look at him as a father to decide custody. i could not go anywhere on my own with my kids even to kids places or he would retaliate by going out. I bled with the baby he was in a meeting at work but did not come to the hospital during arguments he told me to abort that piece of shit in my stomach and he would take half the equity in my house.He did not go out but was moody had awful ocd and would hardly interact with kids. I ended up having the baby by emergency cesarian he was there and seemed to respond well to the baby i was so encouraged he said it was the turning point. Four days after being home he said he needed to leave it was not for him he did not but whilst on paternity leave he shouted at me over a phone bill calling me a useless f twat i was crying the health visitor turned up while i was up stairs he said to her i was suffering post natal depression and was increasingly unpredictable. Lucky she knew me and she called social services in to look at his role with my children he cried to them said he found it difficult as not seeing his own kids. I could have dropped him in it completely mentioning the times he said within earshot of my kids that they should f tidy up after them selves after leaving a coat on the stairs or that my little girl is eating again and i will give her diabetes she is 5. He did not feed the baby or change him or do anything really. The arguments between us were awful. I had to sell my house i had lived in for the past ten years he tried to get half the equity saying he painted it which he had but he had fourty thousand pounds in the bank i had nothing only fourty equity and i ran up thirty thousand debts being un employed when he would not pay. One day i came home and found out he had rented a house the reciept was in his wallet he said it was incase i threw him out he was not going to live there his ex let him start seeing the kids i said was it because you said you had split with me a lie he said no. One day he asked me to meet the kids said it was ok with his ex i was excited thinking this is the breakthrough we need as he has prtrayed all his issues as being due to not seeing his kids. The meeting was followed by a distraught phone call from his ex to him he had not told her i was meeting them to my disgust and proceeded to tell her i was only there as the baby's mother it hurt so much. I and my children moved to a rented house six months ago i had hardly any money from the house sale he still has his 40k in the bank he had his house but stays at mine all time i do his washing he buys the occassional bit of food he does not give me a penny he says he pays too much on his house and child support on his kids he gives nothing for the baby. He claims a discount from child support for my children saying he buys things for them he does not I now realise thats why he buys the odd bit of food to get that discount. He insisted his ex had not been told we split. I wanted to give him a chance to see if seeing the kids would make any difference but with safety of me having my own house. We have tried to work on things he did not go out over the last six months but had a tantrum couple of times over it i said i dont mind you playing golf with your friends watching a game etc but i dont want you night clubbing he moans saying his friends dont do those kind of things and he will loose touch he has played golf before with them and does not ask them. He goes to the gym three or four nights a week four pm to seven pm. His ex now lets me see the kids with him on a sat they love playing with me and the baby. They met my kids and get on well. I have my kids mon thurs and fri i asked him to do something with me and the kids on a friday even if its just going to the park he has not gone to the gym on the odd friday has dinner with us talks a bit to kids but then cuts the grass etc i want him to play ball with them etc i told him that but he does not do it. He says i should ask for kids on a sat when he has his as he is stressed out with work on a friday but i see it as an excuse to not have to interact with mine. We took all the kids on holiday four weeks ago he asked if he could move back in with me before we went as he loves me i said not until i see the relationship develop with my kids i play with yours give them all my attention sat's i want the same for mine he said i wont be on a test and got funny about it. I said as a mother i need to protect my kids and i want to see it. On holiday he did help with the kids but was moody a few times once because he was hot and i did not know where the supermarket was he called me a useless f in front of all the kids.We were supposed to pay half on everything but i ended up spending more as he was so tight and i felt sorry for the kids. I came back feeling low, he asked me if i wanted to go away the second week just us and the baby as my kids were on holiday i said yes but you will have to pay i wanted to go just to have some peace and make him spend some of the money he would not pay on the kids. We are now at the point his rental house is up for renewal he is pushing to buy a house I said I cant afford the deposit which I cant and am unsure about us he has 40 k in the bank.

View related questions: anniversary, at work, clubbing, confidence, debt, facebook, girl at work, his ex, kissing, lost his job, money, my ex, on holiday, self esteem, text, wedding

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (6 September 2010):

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