A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I know previous questions like this have been asked before, but I haven't found a satisfactory response.I live with my boyfriend and we only maintain a joint checking account. Even then, I also have my own personal checking account and only put money in the joint for shared bills (rent, utilities, etc.)I'm financially responsible and am the one who makes sure the bills get paid. The boyfriend, however, is not. I knew he had a lot of debt going into the situation, but I wasn't worried because he had just gotten a good job and things were looking up.He drags his feet on paying bills and this is part of the reason he's in the financial hot water he's in. One of his vehicles just got repossessed today because of this.Will he learn from this? Or should I jump ship?(I don't plan on bailing him out. I realize this is his mess to sort out.)
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 June 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionGreat follow-up advice! I'm definitely encouraged now to try this.
Thanks for your help! :)
A
female
reader, Minelisse  +, writes (19 June 2008):
 It does sound workable! What has worked for me and my partner is: we have separate accounts and a joint account. The joint account has an ATM which I have and it's off limits. Only usable for emergencies and with each others "permission".
Each month we contribute a percentage of our salaries (he gives more because he has a higher salary) and with that we pay the bills. We go out with our own accounts, he invites some times and I do others. At the end of the month we can splurge a little if we have saved some. Once a month we also send money to our joint savings account (also off limits) which we generally use for vacations.
It is not always as strict as it sounds but it does work for us. The fact that WE decided as opposed to him forcing me or I forcing him makes it a lot easier for both of us and gives a great argument in case of dispute lol. Best of lucks!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 June 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI appreciate your advice and think it's very useful.
A bit more info on the situation that may help:
We've been dating for about a year now and living together since October. When we first started to talk about moving in together, we agreed about setting a budget and myself taking care of the bills, since I'm more responsible. Things were rough for both of us for awhile, and it didn't happen. But things are stable now so it's something I'm definitely going to try and bring up again.
I think one major problem is his entire check goes into the joint. As a result, he'll spend whatever money is there until it's gone or next paycheck rolls around. Maybe it would help control his spending to take away the joint card and have him set up his direct deposit so "x" amount of money goes into the joint and his personal? He could still get into the joint account by transferring money online, but it'd be a bit more work and hopefully it would be a deterrent.
When it comes to his debts, I think he gets overwhelmed by how much he owes. The other problem is that he doesn't know how to stick to a budget; he's the type of person who goes out and spends money because he wants something, even if it means more debt.
I'll have to try your approach because I've tried to get him to be more responsible, but maybe I've been too preachy. I know he's an adult, but when it comes to money, you wouldn't guess it. Like I said, I'm really hoping that this might be a nasty lesson he's had to learn that might be a wake-up call.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 June 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI appreciate your advice and think it's very useful.
A bit more info on the situation that may help:
We've been dating for about a year now and living together since October. When we first started to talk about moving in together, we agreed about setting a budget and myself taking care of the bills, since I'm more responsible. Things were rough for both of us for awhile, and it didn't happen. But things are stable now so it's something I'm definitely going to try and bring up again.
I think one major problem is his entire check goes into the joint. As a result, he'll spend whatever money is there until it's gone or next paycheck rolls around. Maybe it would help control his spending to take away the joint card and have him set up his direct deposit so "x" amount of money goes into the joint and his personal? He could still get into the joint account by transferring money online, but it'd be a bit more work and hopefully it would be a deterrent.
When it comes to his debts, I think he gets overwhelmed by how much he owes. The other problem is that he doesn't know how to stick to a budget; he's the type of person who goes out and spends money because he wants something, even if it means more debt.
I'll have to try your approach because I've tried to get him to be more responsible, but maybe I've been too preachy. I know he's an adult, but when it comes to money, you wouldn't guess it. Like I said, I'm really hoping that this might be a nasty lesson he's had to learn that might be a wake-up call.
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A
female
reader, Minelisse +, writes (19 June 2008):
You don't specify how long have you two been together or if the relationship in all other terms is satisfactory to you. If you have been together for a while and you feel good in other areas I don't think you should get out of it. A lot of people are very immature when it comes to money that's why a lot of people have everything they want but they owe it all (nothing is really theirs).
Look for information on the web on how to prepare a budget, how to save money and how to invest. Look for simple spreadsheets and plans and tell your BF you need to talk. Explain your concerns regarding money and that you need him to work on that and you are willing to help him out (to learn, not by giving him money). After that explain the basics and try to make a plan with him. Remember he needs to approve of that plan (sort of his plan actually). Even if it comes down to saving 2 dollars a day in a piggy bank (glue the part where it opens). Give some positive reinforcement if possible, when he saves 200, he will get to spend 70 on whatever he wants, maybe invest 30 and make a savings account (without ATM nor checking) with the other 100. This monies cannot be used for anything else, not even for a special dinner (except the 70).
Initially he will need a lot of reinforcement like telling him you are proud of him, and how happy it makes you that your doing a project together. Tell him that maybe you can buy (something he really likes) eventually. Don't baby him but you will sort of be teaching a child in the process. After a while let it go, and try not to become a mother in the process (checking him out or saying you shouldn't be doing this or that). You can later on decide on a time to discuss how he has been feeling and how you have been feeling.
Changing a persons attitude towards money is hard and a long process but if he is otherwise a good partner, it is definitely worth it. Good luck!
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