A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I'm starting to fall for someone I met though work but I'm not sure if I am being silly thinking he will leave his girlfriend for me.When we first started chatting as friends he told me he lives with his girlfriend and their young son but he only stays with her for the child - he says they havnt been intimate in over a year and the only reason hes stayed is because he cant cope with the thought of not living with his son which I understand.Anyway to cut a long story short over the past month or two we developed feelings for each other and became physical, we spend all day every day texting or ringing each other and meet up whenever we can - Ive even met his son. He says that he has made the decision to try to leave his girlfriend as he doesnt want to be with her, he wants to be with me but he said is going to take a few months as he needs to save up for a deposit to rent a place of his own. He also wants to make sure the rent is paid for his current house so his girlfriend and son have security.My problem is I am seriously starting to fall in love with him and Im worried that I'll spend the next few months waiting for him, falling for him even deeper only for him to not leave his girlfriend. He hasnt promised he will leave her but says he is really going to try as he doesnt love her but he doesnt know if he will cope not living with his son so if he does stay it will purely be for his son.what should I do? Am I being stupid for thinking he will try to leave her?
View related questions:
text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 October 2012): it's selfish of him to string his girlfriend along just because he doesn't want to give up 24/7 access to his kids. breaking up with her doesn't mean he will never see his kids, just that as a single dad he won't see them every day. if he can't handle anything less than 24/7 access to his kids it's selfish of him, this is for his own benefit not his kids and certainly not doing her any favors. now if the two of them agreed that they hate each other but will stay together for the sake of their kids it's also wrong of him to be cheating on her. Being miserable with your relationship isn't a justification to cheat on that person. if you're unhappy enough to cheat, you're unhappy enough to divorce/break-up. if there are supposedly other factors preventing him from breaking up with her, then that means he isn't miserable enough to leave her if he can be so easily prevented from it, in which case there really is no justification for cheating on her. this man is using you, and he is using her. don't be part of his harmful games. if he is only going to 'try' to leave her that's about as wishy washy as one can get. And men who are wishy washy will string you both along and take you on a roller coaster ride with them.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 October 2012): this is a bad idea. You should walk away from him now. If in the future he comes back to you and is now broken up and living on his own with no more ties to his gf except as it pertains to their kid, then yes it would make sense to try a relationship with him. Until then, no."and the only reason hes stayed is because he cant cope with the thought of not living with his son which I understand."So basically he's using and manipulating his gf because he doesn't want to live apart from his son. what an awful person. if he were a real man he would tell her flat out that he doesn't want to be with her, he is interested in someone else romantically and is staying on only as a roommate so he can live with their son.. Oh but he doesn't have the guts to say that to her face does he? so instead he misleads her into thinking he is still committed to her and their relationship. Just because he doesn't want to live apart from his son. how totally selfish and cowardly and scheming. "as he needs to save up for a deposit to rent a place of his own. He also wants to make sure the rent is paid for his current house so his girlfriend and son have security."On the surface it sounds noble, but given the other facts of the situation it's just an excuse. It would be noble if he had already come clean to his gf that he wants to be with someone else. But he hasn't, has he? So basically he's using this as an excuse not to leave his current relationship yet. realistically it's also iffy. How long will it take him to save up enough money to pay for two apartments (one for him and one for her)? Do the math."He hasnt promised he will leave her but says he is really going to try as he doesnt love her but he doesnt know if he will cope not living with his son "Whenever someone says they will "try" to leave their current relationship for you, that's total BS. It means they are not ready to leave their relationship, period. and they won't until their mind somehow changes and there's no way to predict if or when that will happen.basically what you have here is this guy is obviously very attracted to you and wants to have some sort of relationship with you. Yet he is afraid to give up what he currently has with his gf. So he's trying to hold onto both. He tells you whatever he needs to in order to keep you from walking away. Yet he's refusing to come clean to his gf about his intentions as it regards her. he's messing with both of your lives.in life we all make sacrifices, we can't get what we want all the time. For people like him who are unfortunate enough to have kids with someone they dont' love, he has to choose between living in the same house as his kid, or having a better intimate relationship than what he currently has with his kid's mother. he doesn't want to give up either so he's trying to hold onto both. and in the meantime he's manipulating two women so he can carry on like this.I would urge you to walk away from him now and not look back. Tell him to look you up in the future once he has started his new life without his gf and where he's a single dad. until then, you are not going to be involved with him. Consider this a test of his integrity. This may be what finally causes him to make the tough decision to change his life and leave his gf and then you and him will have a real chance. Or it may do the opposite and cause him to stay with his gf indefinitely and never leave her and continue to lie to her and manipulate her while looking for someone new on the side. If so, then consider yourself fortunate that you cut your losses early and got away from a scum like him before wasting any more time. either way it will work out for you.
...............................
A
male
reader, idoneitagain  +, writes (26 October 2012):
He could be sincere, and he could be using you. How do you find out the truth? Time. The simple solution is, if you want to pursue something long term with him, to let him know what you want, but that you aren't going to take anything further until he ends things with her, and moves out into his own place. By not take anything further, I mean put all physical contact on hold and stay close as friends until he earns your trust by actually ending the relationship, and proving to you he has done so by moving out.
The reason for this is that if you pursue things with him as they are now, you actually undermine his will to leave his current partner. You will send him a message that he can have you and still live with his current girlfriend and have the best of both worlds. Even if he has the best of intentions, people are often weaker than they would like to be, and the risks for you are very high. So let him put his money where his mouth is, and do the right thing by you.
Its worth noting that his situation won't be easy for him, and if he is sincere and you are sincere about each other, he will need time to take the steps he needs to take. It will require patience on your part to give him the time he needs, and determination to not give in to starting a full blown relationship while he is still in a messy situation with his current girlfriend. Take a bit of time, and if he doesn't take any steps to do what he needs to do, he probably isn't sincere, and you should dump him and let him know why. Then watch to see what happens. If he ends things with his girlfriend and moves out, he's probably genuine and you can give it a shot, if not, you know he likes you but was never serious enough about you to leave his girlfriend, and you can then accept that and move forward.
Good luck.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 October 2012): The best thing you can do, is try and stay your distance if at all possible. If he moves out then continue with a relationship. Do you think his child's mother knows about you, I doubt it. He is using you, and he is using the woman he is with, if she doesn't know about you.
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (25 October 2012):
 in a word YES...
here's the deal... he goes home to her. he sleeps in her bed probably does have sex with her because if they were that miserable one of them would leave.
Having left a man when I had two small sons and no job I can tell you that NO ONE stays if they are that unhappy just for the children...
honey if push comes to shove and she finds out then you will be left in the dirt...
best advice... start looking for a new job because once he's busted and she forgives him you will be so miserable it won't be easy to get up and face him every day at work.
now I would love for you to prove me wrong.
so here's the other option:
go to him and tell him "I"m falling in love and its too painful for me so we have to stop. IF you ever leave her (and have proof of it) then maybe we can start up again."
but then you must stop seeing him totally and you cannot go back when he says "i'm moving out next week"
the only time you can go back is when you go to his home where he has moved to and you can see clearly that he's telling the truth. Right now he's lying to everyone.
...............................
A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (25 October 2012):
Of course he's not going to leave! They rarely do, and even when they do, it usually goes wrong. This man has a girlfriend and a child, and he should be sorting all that out before he even considers seeing another woman.
Right now, do you know what he's got? He's got a woman at home, doing all the chores, the child rearing, the ironing, the cooking, the cleaning - pretty much everything he needs.
And then he has you - the one on the side that he's using for the extra sex.
Wake up - he's having a great time playing you both. He's treating his girlfriend and son like dirt, and he's treating you like dirt.
And the best bit? When he gets found out, he'll get away with it. You, however, will have your reputation ruined because you'll be seen as the woman who wrecked the home life of an innocent woman and child.
Do yourself a big favour and get away from this guy now.
...............................
|
