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female
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anonymous
writes: Hi. I'm a girl in my late 20's , I met my bf about 2 yrs ago and everything seems to head in the right direction. He is 5 younger than me, but I've been ok with that from the start. My problem is the fact that I cannot help but feel guilty towards him about my past. He's a very decent guy (I was his first), and to be honest, in the beginning I didnt tell him much about my past, but when I recently did tell him some things it seems to bother him a bit. I changed a lot since my old days and I wouldn't go cheating on him. Do you think he'll ever get around this(my past)? It's hard for me to tell him things (and he asks me a lot) , because I'm afraid once I tell him how I used to be, I might scare him off. I wish I could turn back time and delete everything but I guess I can't . Sometimes I feel he deserves more than me, because he really waited for "the right one", while all I did in my young days was to play around with guys a lot. What can I do to make it happen between us ? I really love him, but I also want him to be happy; can he be happy with me ? Reply to this Question
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male
reader, Frank B Kermit  +, writes (20 November 2006):
 Hi Girl,
Well this is the statement that worries me most...
Sometimes I feel he deserves more than me,
If you really beleive this, you are going to self sabotage.
My feeling is that it is best to be as honest as you can. If he can not handle it, your relationship is doomed anyways. He must be strong enough to handle the truth.
My other question is: was it your past he can not handle, or is the issue that you kept it from him at first, and then told him? It might not be just about your past, but also about how you chose to share the truth with him.
-Frank B Kermit
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 November 2006): Hi. I just thought I'd answer because I have a friend who has been in the same situation as you, and I'd like you to know that things did work out for her. She played around a LOT in her younger days, and broke the hearts of a lot of guys. I think it's an easy pattern to get into. But, like you (I think), she found someone who loved her for who she was, and she decided to be with him, didn't cheat on him as she had with past boyfriends. They are now married with two babies (scary, I know!). Anyway, she's really happy. He knows all about her past, and even though he's a very traditional guy, and doesn't himaself have much of a history, he loves her anyway- it didn't cause them problems.
For you with this guy, my opinion would be first- make sure you truly love him, not just the male attention. Attention from guys can be addictive, especially if you don't have a lot of self confidence. It's easy to break the heart of a guy like that. Second- be honest with him. If he really loves you, he'll accept you, past and all- hey, one of you has to have some experience! and he will understand that you really have changed- especially if her hears about all this from you, and not from word of mouth. He sounds like a great guy, and I don't see any reason why you shouldn't be together. Don't ever feel that you're unworthy, either. Everyone makes mistakes, everyone has things in their past that they would change if they could. That's life. Your past has helped make you the person you are today, the person this guy really likes/loves.
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A
female
reader, DrPsych  +, writes (20 November 2006):
 There are two things here:
(a) have YOU gotten over your past? Whatever it happens to be that you are ashamed about - you should learn to deal with it in your own way. You will only be able to cope with other people's reactions to it when you have come to accept yourself. I think you should realise that everyone makes mistakes in their past - treat it as a learning curve. It seems that you have changed your ways so feel proud that you have managed that.
(b) Why be scared of how he reacts? Relationships have to be based on truth and honesty. I am sure he is no 'angel' in the past, as none of us are. If he reacts badly to whatever you tell him then you have got to realise that he maybe not the man for you. After all, if he judges you over this, he will judge you over other stuff too. You cannot force his happiness but if you are just being yourself then he is obviously liking what he sees! The next step is to like yourself a bit more, stop worrying so much and realise that people with different values can sustain good relationships if they communicate with each other.
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