A
female
age
41-50,
*illymac74
writes:On May 5th my boyfriend of 2 years dumped me. I feel like my wold has fallen apart, can't eat or sleep and the doctor has me on 3 types of tranqulisers..Another couple that we had associated closely with split up 4 weeks ago - he just wasn't in love with her anymore and as a friend I was offering support to the girl. She had been saying things like "you'll be next" "now your man will be looking for any excuse" "now your man will be out with the boys at all night parties"... I hadn't really paid much attwntion to this as my guy and I had never even had an argument, however on the 5th of May he said that he would like to get a couple of nights out with the boys a month which Isaid was fine by me as long as he was not out all night. He freaked, made me stop the car, said he couldn't be with me if there was no trust, and stormed off. I got hysterical and followed him, begging him to just get into the car and talk to me. Anyway, in the midst of my hysterical gibbering I foolishly said I would kill myself if he left me, which I didn't mean of course, but his response (the following day) was that even though he loves me and doesn't want to lose me, he can't be with someone who will emotionally blackmail him like that. I came home and wrote him a letter, telling him how sorry I was and how much I love and need him - which I am told he received but did not answer. I texted him yesterday asking if we could talk, but have had no response. He said on Tuesday 6th May, that he would arrange to get his stuff picked up from my house, but as yet this hasn't happened. The pills are holding me emotionally, but I'm so desparately sad and sorry and miss him so much - I'm unable to work now (I battled through the first week)and I just feel that my life has ended. Somebody please tell me what to do. I just want my baby back :(
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female
reader, housemusic  +, writes (4 April 2010):
Hi there. Its been a year since you posted. I just experienced a break up very VERY similar to yours. Its kinda creepy actually. I was wondering how you are doing??
I was super drunk when my bf decided to dump me and I too pulled the card that I would just kill myself. LOL Sorry its actually kinda funny to me cuz ID NEVER KILL MYSELF!! I was just being a bratty drunken fool trying to manipulate my ex. And hes fully aware of that! But I know how much of a turn off that must be to a man. Men like a women that can stand of her own two feet. Well anyways, its been a week since the incident. The day after the break up and our stupid fight I apologized to my ex, I told him the booze got me talking craziness and that I was trully sorry for all the nasty things I said. I havent messaged him all week and havent heard from him either. I think about him all the time. I wonder if he'll forgive me. I would really like to know how you're doing with your break up!? How long did it take you to move on? Did he ever come back to you?? I hope your ok. We all make mistakes. I dont know how I managed but in only a week I decided I have to forgive myself. I forgive my ex for tons of stupid shit he did. I hope he realizes that.. and if he doesnt.. well then hes just not worth it anyways.
Hope you're well. take care
A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (14 May 2009):
 I'm sorry if my advice came accross as harsh and insensitive, it was not intended that way. However even in the light of your follow up, I still stand by what I said initially.
By saying you have "emotional issues" - this is not a dig at you or me in any way trying to say anything negative. We all have emotional issues, some people more than others. Hell, I have loads! However the main thing is the realisation that you have issues and being a big enough person to accept this and want to get help. After years and years of self harm I finally realised I had to get help and no-one could drag me out of the mess I was in; I had to do it myself. So I saw a doctor, started to see a therapist and a year later most of my issues are dealt with and I am so much stronger mentally.
I am so sorry for what has happened to you in your past, I cant imagine how hard your life has been. But you cant use this as an excuse for not living your own life! Everyone has some parts of their past that have been tough, but you get through it and if you are not coping then you get help. My very close friend lost his mum through suicide (she was a schizophrenic and drowned in a lake when he was 6) and then 2 years ago he lost his father to cancer. I am telling you this to show you that you are not the only person with a horrible past, and that you cannot expect pity from everyone on here. This site is where people can be brutally honest and will give it you straight - if you cannot handle this then maybe you should not be looking for advice from strangers. Your friends will be much better if you are looking for "it will all be ok, he will come round soon etc". Friends are for sympathy, strangers will tell you the truth.
Your relationship cannot be re-built, your boyfriend has left you, he wont speak to you. Therefore he doesnt want this anymore - you need to start to come to terms with this. I am so sorry this has happened to you but there is nothing you can do. You cant force him to want you - it is horrible that he wont even give you the real reason why he has ended this but you cant make him tell you what is going on. If he really valued your relationship then he wouldnt have done this, it is that simple.
I really dont want to be harsh here but I think you need it, the truth hurts and it is hard to accept. But at some time in your life you need to accept it. I hope you do seek some help through a therapist, I fully believe it will really help you.
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A
female
reader, Ivanna22 +, writes (13 May 2009):
 Oh my god! I'm SO sorry, I really am. Please be stronge, the more you beg him the worst your chances of getting back together. I will give you a book about gettinf back together, its called the mahgic of making up. My e-mail is [email address blocked], if u want me to send it to you so u know how to act after a break up to get him back just eimail me and i'll send it to you. My name is Ivanna. I know how you feel and i'm willing to help you. I really feel bad that you feel this way. I know its painful, just try to be strnoge please. Dont call him or text him because it will make things worse.
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A
female
reader, bellaaddison  +, writes (13 May 2009):
I agree with the majority of what these other posts have shared with you. I do think there is something more to his leaving or perhaps you didn't share all of the details (maybe your desperation has been aparent to him on more than one occassion??) But the reality is that discovering why he left isn't going to bring him back. He may ultimately decide to return, but that will be his choice and nothing that you can do or say will influence that.
In the meantime, you truly need to take a good look at yourself. Life is too short to live it believing that you only have value when you're in a relationship. You cannot allow yourself to fall apart over this breakup. There is so much more to living than simply being involved with someone. Take some time to rediscover who you are, and maybe then, you'll be able to discover and enjoy the benefits of a genuine relationship.
I hope that your pain subsides and that you find this time in your life to be a rewarding one... change is never easy, but sometimes, it's truly the best medicine!
Take Care,
Bella
xoxo
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A
female
reader, Gillymac74 +, writes (13 May 2009):
Gillymac74 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDear All,
Thank you for the advice. Due to the harshness and apparent (well intentioned, I'm sure) insensitivity of some of it I feel you need a little more background information. I am an only child, both my parents are dead and I have no other living relatives. My BF's family had totally accepted me as one of them so in reality, as well as losing him, I've lost everyone important to me. As I said before, it's as though my whole world has been pulled from underneath me.
My previous relationship (which ended in 2005) had been for 8 years with a man who physically, emotionally, financially and sexually abused me. As a result of this, I am not a person who socialises a great deal (or wants to for that matter)and I suffer from PTSD. My most recent BF has been my friend for some 12 years so is fully aware of the agony that this caused me, and I was reticent about even getting into a relationship with him at the start because of that, so you will excuse me if I appear to have "emotional issues" or am "wallowing in self pity". I have never been controlling or "needy" in the relationship and the 5th of May was the first time that I spoke to him about my insecurity regarding him staying out all night (as a direct result of my so called "friend" planting the seeds of doubt there - My BF has NEVER done anything wrong to me during our time together). My BF stated that he loved me, and didn't want to lose me. What I am asking for is advice on how to rebuild the relationship.
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A
female
reader, sarcy24 +, writes (13 May 2009):
 Wow KC100 was spot on. Really really good advice from her.
I suspect you are fearful of the future and of being alone. This is not always going to be the case because things change all the time. I don't trust your boyfriends reasons for finishing the relationship but that is neither here nor there. He has ended it and sometimes you have to accept the uncertainty that goes with it. It is doubtful you will ever find out his real reasons behind it. However, it does not appear that he is coming back so you are going to have to get on with rebuilding your own life.
When my husband left me I made a sign which I put by the phone saying ' needy and desperate are not attractive'. This is true and the one thing that men hate is neediness. They like women to be independant and fully functioning in their own right. I refer to this sign all the time as I am of a very needy disposition and it holds me in check.
Your life does not revolve around a man and nor do you need a man for your happiness. When my husband left I used to look at all the couples in shops and walking along the road hand in hand with absolute hatred - now I don't care at all. You need to build and repair your self esteem. Go on work do's, get back to work as soon as possible as this also stops 'thinking' time and start doing things you enjoy. Shop, have a bath, buy candles , do whatever you like doing. Parents are good in this situation too. Write regularly to dear cupid to help you get through this. It is still really early days but my advice to you is if you do just one thing is - leave him totally alone. No letters, texting, phoning, asking about him via friends - leave him alone and recover your self esteem. This is all awful at the moment but it truthfully will get better with time. xx
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A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (13 May 2009):
If he is ready to leave you after 2 years over 1 comment you made in the car then it seems to me that something else is going on here. What you said wasnt even that bad - and in no way does it indicate that you dont trust him.
I agree with Uncle Phil - if this friend of yours was saying "you will be next" etc then she seems to know more than she is letting on here, why would she say such a thing and then for it to come true so soon after she said it? Something doesnt add up here and I think you need to find out what is going on - if your boyfriend wont talk to you then you need to speak to your friend and see how much she really knows.
It seems to me that you are too dependent on this man - the fact that you feel that your world has ended and you are on tranquilisers to cope sends out a massive warning sign to me. Why do you need a man to survive? Why does your whole world revolve around one man? I understand that you are in love with him and have been together a while but you should never let a man affect you so badly that you cant work, eat or sleep! Life goes on, and you can either choose to wallow in your own self pity or pick yourself up and start living your life.
From your emotional issues it seems that you may have been quite needy in your relationship and this will have been very off-putting to your boyfriend. I think you need to take the following action to get your life back on track:
1. Accept your relationship is over and stop pursuing your ex. He ended things with you and clearly does not want to get back with you - it seems he has alterior motives for finishing with you but you may never find out the real reason so accept that he no longer wants to be in the relationship and let him go.
2. Get some help for your emotional issues. It sounds to me like you have an anxiety disorder if you are struggling so much in tough situations like you are now - not eating, sleeping or being able to work are clear signs you cannot cope mentally in times of intense stress. This is something that can be treated and you need to talk to your doctor about other ways to treat this; dont just rely on pills they just mask the problem. I think talking to a therapist will be massively beneficial for you - your doctor will be able to help with this.
3. Once you have dealt with your emotional issues you need to spend some time alone building a life for yourself. Even if you just start doing more hobbies/activities outside of work, getting involved in local groups, volunteering etc. This will take your mind off your ex and help give you focus.
You need to realise that men come and go in life, hopefully one day you will find that special person who will be there forever but until that day comes, you need to be happy just being you. Being alone is tough but if you can feel truly happy on your own then you will be in a much better state emotionally when you do come to get into a relationship. Life is what YOU make of it, not what someone else brings to it. A man should make your life better, he should not be the only good thing in it. I truly believe that until you feel like you could happily live the rest of your life alone, knowing that you would still enjoy yourself because you have so many other great things, then you absolutely should not be in a relationship.
Men are just a small part of life that should make you smile and make every day just that little bit better, but if they are not there then the world shouldnt end either. You need to do some work on yourself before you think of getting involved with another man, get yourself to a sound place mentally and emotionally and you will find your future relationships will be so much better.
I hope this helps and good luck!
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A
female
reader, hannah76 +, writes (13 May 2009):
 Hello,
Oh how heart breaking. i am sorry.
I'm suspicious of this female friend and Uncle Phil beat me to it. Is there anything not adding up there at all???
Why would she have said what she said? Coincidence?
I'm being suspicious. Please, I do sympaphize.
Hannah.
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A
female
reader, Gillymac74 +, writes (13 May 2009):
Gillymac74 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi Uncle Phil,
Just to clarify - his allegation of emotional blackmail is in regard to my comments re killing myself if he left him.
Do you not think the female friend was not just trying to stir things up between us. My man and her ex are best friends and she is incredibly bitter and resentful towards him.
I have absolute confidence that my man wouldnt cheat. His father left his mother for another woman when he was 9 and his views on infidelity are very strong. I just think that it is disrespectful fo a man in a committed relationship to party like that.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 May 2009): I don't think you have anything to be remorseful about personally. It's not unreasonable of you to expect him not to stay out all night and I don't see how he could classify this as blackmail. If the boot was on the other foot, how would he feel if you stayed out all night with the girls?
I suspect there's more going on here than meets the eye. Why on earth would he want to stay out all night unless he's got something going on that he knows you wouldn't like him to be doing?
I think if I were you I'd quiz this female friend of yours about whether she knows something you don't and take it from there. His behaviour smells very fishy to me.
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