A
female
 ,
anonymous
writes:help! im a virgin and seeing my bf of nearly 1 yr, hes not a virgin by a long shot. anyway, ive tried to have sex and im terrified, its hurts he cant even put his finger in, as i just tense up, its come to the stage now where i feel i cant even be intimate with him anymore as there is no point cos i no its not gonna go anywhere. Hes not romantic when he tries to iniciate sex, even if he was i cant see how itd make any difference. my bf nos im a virgin and he tells me at least once a day that he loves me. Will he eventually stray if i cant put out? i feel he should even tho it would break my heart. any help really appreciated. thanks xxxps im in my late 20s and i live with my bf Reply to this Question
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female
reader, lamo +, writes (12 March 2007):
 wait till you are ready if you are not it dont help with you trying to be or you miight just be scared. if you are ready try and not think about it tensing up make you smaller and more harder for him to get in. if you do try and see when you are more horny if it first thing in the morning or last thing at night or during the day. if you are scared of him putting his finger in do it your self most women do play with them self. or you can ask him just to play with your clit till you are ready for him to go on. e.g ask him to play with your clit and now and then put his finger in but take it out again then everytime keep it in for a bit longer till you get to relax. see what happens. if he loves you he will wait till you are ready. if you want anymore help in the sex department email me at this siteor to tell me you tried to do that and it didnt work.
A
female
reader, Jendorset +, writes (12 March 2007):
Perhaps if your boyfriend did something extremely romatic, and he did things to make you feel calm and relaxed it may help. You do need to relax though, tenseing up wont help.
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A
male
reader, maxsteel86 +, writes (12 March 2007):
 Grr doctor pete beat me to it!!! I was thinking vaginismum too. I read an article on MSN once, its more to do with the mind than anything else. Therapists tend to have a high success rate with this kinda stuff. But it does take some time and effort and your boyfriend will have to do his part. Going straight into sex will definitely not help. But the therapist should be able to tell you everything and help u overcome this. Go with dr pete's contact, I'm sure it'll work
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A
female
reader, leesweetheart +, writes (11 March 2007):
 I had the same trouble with my current bf. everytime we tried to have sex it wold hurt me so much that i'd start crying. we tried different types of lube on him and me, we also tried different ways of getting myself aroused and wet. eventually after some time and patience we were able to make love without it hurting. just take things slow and try new ideas/positions. i hope this helps
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 March 2007): It's understandable that you are worried that he may stray but it is not helpful thinking these things, it is likely to make your problem worse. If your boyfriend loves you then he will stick by you and want to help you.What you describe sounds like Vaginismus. This is recurrent or persistent involuntary spasms of the vaginal muscles that interferes with sexual intercourse. You ideally need to get a medical opinion, speak to your GP and they will refer you to a specialist.This condition usually occurs because of some kind of past sexual trauma or abuse, or a strict religious upbringing or one that involved a lot of control. I personally would recommend a relationship therapist that is trained in hypnotherapy as this shows very high success rates of resolving it.As for your boyfriend initiating sex - you must tell him to change and show him what you want. You need to feel deeply relaxed and in control of the situation for things to work. If you seek a medical opinion and find this to be Vaginismus and live in the UK I can possibly help you with a hypnotherapist to work on the issue just send me a message.
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