A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My wife asked me to have a 3sum with another female. I'm up for the idea but I thought about it more and I don't know how it will change our relationship, am I not pleasing her enugh, she orgasms at least three time every time we have sex. What she is looking for is another woman to eat her out, sexy right? She said I couldn't penetrate which is fine with me I want to keep that for her and I said if she pleasures you she will be pleasuring me too. So we have set a few ground rules but will it take our relationship to the dumps?
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female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (23 August 2012):
 If you suspect you're not enough then imagine how your wife felt when you asked her for a threesome two years ago. In that case though, you wanted another woman. Your wife didn't ask for another man. You're smart enough to have second thoughts about this and to ask valid questions. Like youWish pointed out, fantasies are great, but they don't take the expectations and boundaries of other people into account. And what might seem fine now (you penetrating the other woman for example) may be anything but when your wife hears you moaning differently with the other woman than you ever have with her (this won't mean you lover her less, but try telling her that after the fact). Inviting someone else into an area of your lives you normally reserve for each other is going to expose any and all cracks in the relationship. If you and your wife have anything on your minds you'd like to say to one another, say it now and work it out. You may learn new things about yourselves and each other that remind you of how you felt when you first started dating. Maybe then you won't want a threesome after all. You might also do some reading on group sex and open relationships. There are tons of books and online articles out there.
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (23 August 2012):
 If you're insecure about it, in any way, then don't do it. You will regret it, and you wont feel better about it as you go along with it, and you will definitely not feel better about it, or yourself, afterwards.
If you're not 100% on board then the answer is no. Don't do it. A threesome is only okay to do if all parties are 100% sure of themselves and secure in what they are doing. Only do it if you know, definitely, that you will not regret it.
As it sounds, you don't really want this. It is okay to tell your wife that you are unsure. It's okay to put the brakes on. Just say no.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (23 August 2012):
 have you ASKED her Why all of a sudden she's game???
I mean she's the one who would know what's changed.
but again it's a bad idea.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (23 August 2012):
 Here's why you both shouldn't do this threesome:
1. Your wife isn't getting the whole threesome scenario and is treating this third woman like a blow-up doll. In reality, she's an equal third partner in all of this, and things are going to be done in the heat of the moment. Since she's also a consenting adult, her wants out of this are also to be taken into account...something your wife hasn't considered.
2. You have reservations. You are right to have jealousy issues, and they don't go away simply because of this whole "she does it to me if she does it to my wife" thing going on. These things, even if all of these crazy boundaries are met, will eat at you long afterwards, especially if like I said in my first point, things start flying and something gets done that you won't like.
3. Like SVC said -- this whole idea comes with a greater cost than you can even fathom now. You're already paying some of it in just the contemplation of it. Do this, and your marriage is effectively over.
Dmartin mentioned polyamory, which is valid, but there has to be the absence of bad feelings, jealousy, and inadequacy. This isn't the case with you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 August 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI'm just saying why does she all the sudden want a woman? I love the idea but I asked about it 2 years ago and she was saying I was insane I love her we have been together 10 years married for 4 years I don't know why she all the sudden want to do this
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (23 August 2012):
 So don't do it! You feel insecure just thinking about it, imagine what it will feel like actually doing it? Just say no. You're not obligated to do this just because your wife wants to. Just tell her you're uncomfortable with this and would love to work on other ways that the two of you can better your sex life between the two of you.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (23 August 2012):
oh wait... now you are setting some serious red flags up for me.
just because they do something together does not mean they have to do it to you nor will that ensure avoiding jealousy.
Jealousy is an emotion rooted in insecurity
IF you think you are not good enough... RUN... do not walk away from this idea....
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 August 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWe've talked about it, set boundaries but I feel im not good enugh. I've always wanted this but now I'm wondering why she wants another woman. I told her what ever they do to each other the other girl does to me and I do to her so there is no jeliousy.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (23 August 2012):
IF both partners are on board and the extra person/people are not trying to steal them (i.e. they understand their boundaries)
AND it's well discussed by all parties openly and honestly, then it CAN work. I know of at least 3 couples that are all married over 20 years and in the swinging lifestyle.
In my former marriage I played with all three couples and then some.
My former husband could NOT handle the lifestyle for various reasons and our marriage did not survive. I do believe that being in an open marriage was a huge reason the marriage failed.
I would NOT have an open relationship now even though my partner is game for us to have another woman play with us and I'm bi. I do NOT want to share my man.
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A
female
reader, ImmortalPrincess +, writes (23 August 2012):
 Even if ground rules are laid down, and you don't actually have penetration with this woman, you're still going to be touching her in sexual ways, right? The problem is, the reality NEVER lives up to the fantasy. After the deed is done, someone always has regrets. Since it's going to be another woman with you and your girlfriend, you may not regret it, afterwords, but she night. Once the reality sets in, and she starts reliving images of you touching another woman, she might have a hard time dealing with it, even though it was her idea.
To answer your question, yes, this could damage your relationship.
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (23 August 2012):
I have rarely heard of a monogamous couple surviving a threesome. You are feeling insecure about this and it hasn't even happened, imagine how you will feel once those images are burned into your mind forever of your wife being pleasured by someone else? I think it's not a good idea.
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A
female
reader, dmartin89  +, writes (23 August 2012):
 Why do you think it could effect your relationship negatively? My partner and I are poly which requires very open and honest communication. You're about to do something really exciting and special, what's holding you back from looking forward to it? Do you feel your ego has been bruised? If this is going to work you need to talk through all your worries and insecurities with your girlfriend.
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