A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi everyone. I have this friend who I have known for about ten years. We were in school together but went to different universities. However, we remained close and shared the same group of friends. In recent years lots of our friends have moved away from our home town for jobs, relationships etc, so the two of us have grown closer. In the last few months I completed a post grad and I am now qualified in something I have always wanted to do - teaching. Obviously the job situation is worse than it was a few years ago, but I am always reassured that there is plenty of work there if I look for it, so I am positive and hopeful of employment..pending my exam results of course!My problem is that my friend is so negative towards me in relation to teaching - she constantly makes digs and comments that bother and upset me,e.g always talking about how anyone who does teaching is a fool, wasting their time etc. However she has mentioned on more than one occasion that she would love to teach, so it confuses me as to why she makes the digs at me about it. She works in a local shop but always expresses her desire to leave at some point in the future in order to work in something related to her degree. I don't know what to think and it's really bothering me. I know I shouldn't let it affect me but it does as I am always supportive and encouraging of her in everything she does. So it is hurtful and annoying that she seems to resent me for completing my post grad.I am really fed up of the comments and digs, they have been going on since the very first day I was informed I gained a place in the post grad. I don't want to confront her about it because she is a very confrontational person, whereas I am not at all. She gets very aggressive and angry if someone calls her up on anything so I really want to avoid that. I'd really appreciate any advice anyone might have on dealing with this situation.Thank you so much xx
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 August 2012): OP again! Thank you to everyone who responded, I really appreciate it! Cerberus, I totally see what you're saying, but it's honestly not a case of me being afraid to say anything, I am more than happy to say it to her, I just want to say it in a way that doesn't end up in a big fight because she can be a very aggressive and angry person and I'm looking to avoid a heated argument..it would just be better for it to be resolved in a calm way I think. I appreciate your advice very much and I will be certainly saying something to her the next time a dig is made, because you're right, she is saying things that are hurtful!
Mishmash, I love your advice, thank you very much. She would probably really get the message if I respond in the way you suggested. I know I would!
Again, thanks to everyone who offered advice! It's very much appreciated! xxx
A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 August 2012): You've got to say something. I've had similar issues with a close friend and while confronting it was unpleasant in the moment, I eventually got an apology and our relationship is more respectful for it.
I think the best way to confront her might be to reflect her criticism in a positive way. If she makes a comment that studying teaching is for fools or that it's a waste of time you might say in a sarcastic way, "I suppose that's my calling in life...being a fool and wasting my time...it's all I ever wanted to do. Maybe one day I'll wake up and do something productive with my life"
I you approach it that way she might see that she's making personally insulting comments without you having to make it a personal issue. Don't take it personally...or at least don't let her see that you do.
Good luck on your exams.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 August 2012): OP I may have been harsh in wording and I didn't mean any offence but seeing as I clearly have offended you and it's counter-productive then I apologise but I stick to the principle of what I said.
If you don't like the word "fuck you" then just say it in a different manner.
Now you may not like the word "soft-touch" but again the principle is the same. I really don't think you're going to get anywhere by appeasing to this girl and trying to skirt your way around the issue. Perhaps you don't like conflict, perhaps you don't want it to escalate but how else are you going to make this clear to her without being direct?
You know calling someone out when they cross a line with you doesn't have to start an argument. She's doing something that upsets you and that you don't like so any time she does that let her know that's the case.
If it was me I would gladly say shut up or fuck off but that's just me. If you're too afraid to speak up then I fail to see how you're going to stop her doing this and honestly I don't see how it is constructive or productive to let this build up and fester. So I stick to my original point although I do admit I was unduly harsh in my wording. She puts it down, the ask her she keeps putting it down and let her know it hurts you to hear that and you'd like her to stop. Every time. She has no cause to argue because you're simply a friend asking another friend to stop putting down your chosen career path, it's that simple.
Or you could just not ever talk to her about work or your job instead and be the one who supports her in her career without getting any in return.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 August 2012): Something similar happened to me, in that a very close friend of mine was constantly making fun of the subject I study for my degree, calling it pointless, useless, making snide comments, it began to really upset me and I started to believe what I was doing was worthless. But later on when she had a bit of a break down and I saw what was really going on in her life, I realised she was not only jealous but trying to make up for her own shortcomings by discrediting the good work I was doing. Now I just don't respond or I do with lots of enthusiasm about how much I love my subject, the best way to show people their opinion is wrong is by doing really well.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 August 2012): OP here, thank you honey pie for your advic, much appreciated! I think saying it to her straight out the next time she makes a dig is the best thing to do..thank you! Cerberus, while I appreciate you taking the time to respond, I do not appreciate being called a soft touch and the suggestions that I may have problems dealing with a child in my future classes. You do not know my abilities as a teacher and I can assure you, I have never shyed away from discipline or behaviour issues in a classroom. Dealing with a child is a completely separate issue to dealing with a friend who you just simply don't want to have a fight with. I'm a big believer in not telling people to "fuck off" as you so eloquently put it. I happen to believe that issues and conflicts can be solved in a more productive and constructive manner. I also do not see how I am "moaning" when I simply asked for a bit of advice on how to deal with the issue. Like I said, I have no interst in having a heated confrontation or argument with someone who I love, just to figure out a way to solve an issue without causing a drama. It has absolutely nothing to do with being a "soft touch", it's called conflict resolution, something a teacher is suppose to be good at.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 August 2012): You sound like a bit of a soft touch OP in which case I think you're not going to do anything about it and just let this fester until it boils over.
I'm a teacher and to be honest I do like the job a lot but the pay is horrendous and there is no guarantee I'll even be kept on by the school I'm working in even though the pupils and staff generally like me.
OP it's simple when there's an imbalance in a relationship you either face it head on and sort it or you shut up about it. If you're willing to be this girls bitch because you're too afraid of confrontation then why are you moaning?
You never get anywhere in life by appeasing those who act like assholes.
OP what are you going to do with that one little smartass shit in the class who has decided from the word go that they're going to dislike you and make life difficult for you if you can't even handle telling a friend to stop putting down your career choices?
It's simple really, call her out on it every time she makes a snidey remark. Every time. "Why do you keep saying things like that about my chosen career? I know your views on it now and I don't need it shoved in my face all the time so shut up or fuck off I will not tell you again, you either support me as a friend or you're no friend of mine".
Can't get much clearer than that OP, and if she won't relent, makes an argument out of it then walk away. Who needs friends like that? I certainly don't.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (23 August 2012):
 She does sound jealous.
I think the only way to make her stop is to nip it in the bud. AS SOON as she flings out a negative remark, tell her that it's OK that she isn't a fan of teaching (if that is how she lays it out), but that i YOUR dream. It will either shut her up or think. Hopefully both.
If she keeps it up, I would slowly drop the contact to a minimum. I mean how good a friend can she be if she does nothing but pee on your "parade" ?
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