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age
36-40,
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writes: I am concerned about my husband. He has an at home business but recently he met a new friend on xbox life. This is a male friend. I have no issues with him having friends, that's not the issue.The issue is that for the past three weeks he has started spending all of his time with this friend. His friend lives half-way across the country so they spend all their time on skype or xbox live. When I say all their time, I mean it. about 16-17 hours a day 7 days a week, and has started sleeping less so they can spend more time together talking. He is able to do this because he is home all day, even though he is working. This friend has already made comments about how much he would enjoy cheating on his girlfriend, and how fun it would be for both of them to find girls to sleep with. I overheard him say that while they were talking online. Also, now my husband has become very secretive. He panics when i come in the room, accusing me of trying to see what he's typing. I'm not the type of person that would snoop, and we've never had secrets. This behavior concerns me a great deal, like he's hiding something.Also my husband now has stated how much he hates having to take our son to school, because it is less time he can spend with this friend. He recently called being married to me "a prison," but he has all the freedom to do what he wants, other than cheat of course. My husband is not gay, and this friend is not gay. His friend is constantly making sexual comments about what he wants women doing to him. My husband has never put up with friends that talk like that before.I'm scared and concerned. Is this something I should worry aobut? I can tell he respects this other guy a great deal, but I am afraid he is a bad influence. I'm scared my husband is considering cheating on me. :( Help!
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male
reader, Kyle007  +, writes (3 September 2011):
He is living vicariously through this other person it seems. He is probably unhappy with his life, not that its anyone's fault but his own that he feels this way.
I don't think he will cheat on you necessarily, but he is avoiding his responsibilities.
The best thing for him to do is focus on taking care of what he has been neglecting. Trying to make it all about "not talking to his friend" won't work.
But you might want to ask him what he thinks about this friend saying all this talk about cheating. Ask him if he thinks all this is OK, and if he would be OK with any of his in-person friends doing this. You may learn a lot about your husband.
But if he is not going to talk about it at all, forget it. When the communication dies, so does the marriage.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (31 August 2011): Friends that are not friends of the marriage are bad company.
Don't forget that.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 August 2011): In addition to what has been said, I suggest that when you talk to your husband you not make this about him and what he is doing wrong but about YOU and what YOU want and need.Keep it as brief as you can and don't get roped into providing umpteen examples. That only gives him more opportunity to divert the conversation and weaken your resolve. You can let him know what you want from life and give him a choice whether or not he wants still wants to be a part of that. Make it clear to him that if you're going to be a single parent, you might as well have the freedom of a single woman.Do not corner him with ultimatums or lay down rules. That only breeds resentment in him and he'll become more secretive. And it gives you the added burden of checking up on him to make sure he's following those rules not to mention administering punishment for breaking them. You don't need that headache. You have enough work to do raising a child and maintaining a home. If he offers to end the 'bromance' or live by any other self imposed rules he creates to temporarily appease you tell him that's up to him. He's an adult and can make his own decisions.
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A
female
reader, RedAthena +, writes (30 August 2011):
 You are right, gaming is not the issue.
Balance and priority are the issues. I hope you get a chance to sit down and talk with him about your concerns. If you can not talk about it, there is no chance of it getting resolved.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 August 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI guess I should add that my husband's job is that he games for a living. He is paid to play, so he can't quit gaming. That's not the issue. The issue is how much influence someone can be on him and how likely is it that a man will leave his family for a "grass is greener" type thing. :(
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A
female
reader, RedAthena +, writes (30 August 2011):
I would say you should be concerned. Your husband is acting more like a teenage boy than an married adult with children.
The comment about hating to take your son to school is disturbing. Also, is he having these sexually charged conversations while your son is home?
He has a home based business, but how much work could he be getting done while chatting/playing with this may 16-17 hrs a day?
He shows signs of being addicted to a game and unhealthy relationship. If he is divulging personal info about you, your child(ren) your intimate life, etc.
He is stealing time from you, his work, his child, etc to make this other gamer a priority.
Essentially, he is having a "bromance" with another guy.
I would suggest sitting down with him (in another room with no xbox or computer) and tell him your concerns and expectations. If he is unwilling you make any changes regarding boundaries with this friend, then he is jeapordizing his work, family, marriage. Ask him if that is really worth it.
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