A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:Hi Cupids, I was wondering if you could help me out.This is the age old Friends with Benefits question.I'm 18 and me and this lad like each other but neither willing to commit to a relationship. We've hung out and messed around a bit and he proposed FwB saying that because we both liked each other a bit it would work well, as we are more unlikely to get attached. During this time we cannot sleep with anyone else but can see other people- the whole this is Casual and we aren't telling anyone.My sexual experience is not extensive at all and I have massive self conscious issues about 'down there'- I thought that perhaps doing this with someone I trust and we both have a certain amount of respect for each other means it could help me gain experience and confidence sexually.Am I being stupid to think like this? Can anyone give me some advice? Thank you.
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confidence, friend with benefits, gain confidence Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (10 February 2014):
 I think that FWB will make you feel WORSE about yourself and your confidence... after all all that means is you are good enough to fuck but not good enough to date... is that what you want?
the answer is "No I'm sorry I respect myself too much to be someone's play thing"
then table the IDEA of FWB until after your first divorce. Hopefully that will never happen.
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (9 February 2014):
 He proposed FWB because he likes you, but not enough to DATE you or BE with you - and he wants to keep it secret - now how is THAT going to make you feel more confidant?
You are 18, you are not supposed to be some super porn star who knows all the "tricks" of the trade.
DO NOT settle to be some guy's sex toy. (even if he is otherwise nice and friendly)
Sexually confidence comes with age and being with someone who LOVES you and whom you love, not a guy who likes you "enough" to have "secret" sex with you.
Don't give him an ultimatum, just tell him FWB is not something you want. If he can't respect that, then he can easily find someone else.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (8 February 2014):
 I think it wouldn't make a difference at all to your confidence. Confidence comes from inside, not from having sex with several people, or sex with friends, or sex with a hot guy, or sex with a douche. Confidence comes from yourself. If you haven't found confidence in yourself already, then sleeping with this "friend" will not give it to you.
By all means, if you're so horny you are bursting, go ahead. Have your casual arrangement, just to get it out of your system, enjoy sex, and still be a free spirit. If SEX is what you want. But if CONFIDENCE is what you want, then no, I wouldn't go for it. Because in all likelihood, if you have a poor self image, I imagine you will only end up feeling worse about yourself than before, if you go through with this. Most women I've heard of and met can't handle a FWB situation because women have been trained that sex is something we "give" and something men "take". Which would imply women always get the shit end of the stick in a FWB arrangement. And, if you're not a strong opinionated woman prepared to fight for herself and stand up against public opinion, then no. Don't do it.
Why risk it, if you aim is to BUILD confidence, not lower it? FWB are for people who already think highly of themselves and don't care what anyone else might think.
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A
female
reader, Jaeger12 +, writes (8 February 2014):
No, Fwb if anything will destroy your confidence.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSo would you suggest giving an ultimatum?
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (8 February 2014):
 I think this is probably not a great idea. If you two like each other but aren't ready to be official yet, you should date first. It's a lot less pressure. Even if you're good friends, the trust you have for someone as a friend is a bit different from the trust you have for someone romantically. I know that "dating" is a dirty word now and a lot more people hook up first, but a lot of the time that leads to the girl having her self esteem destroyed while the guy gets his boosted. I wish it wasn't true, but men and women still are viewed very differently when they have casual sex and you don't want that following you around. I think if you guys want to take it slow, take it slow. Hang out, even kiss and such, but I would say wait to have sex. Dating doesn't mean you immediately have to jump into an official exclusive relationship, it just means getting to know each other romantically.
You're not stupid to think like this at all, this stuff is really hard to navigate.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2014): Being FWB will do exactly the opposite of building confidence. It could destroy your self-esteem and ruin your self-confidence.
You don't have a clue what you're doing. That boy must be selling you a mountain of poo!
You'll just be some boy's sexual plaything; and other boys will find out, and lose all respect for you.
If you read the posts from other OP's on DearCupid, you'll see all the sadness and disappointment a lot of women (young and older) found in being just friends with benefits.
First, I'm going to make sure you know what it is.
It means you and a boy aren't boyfriend and girlfriend. You just hangout together to have sex. He can see other girls, and you can see other boys. He will more likely see more girls than you'll see boys. He will be exposing you to STD's and infectious diseases; because you have nothing to say about who he has sex with, or if he has safe-sex with other people.
You can still get sexually transmitted disease even if you use condoms. Some can be transmitted orally like herpes. You can also get meningitis, and mononucleosis. You don't know what the boy is doing with other people, and if he is being safe.
He doesn't have to care about whether you feel jealous. What he does with other girls is none of your business. He doesn't have to really care about you or respect you. You only agree that your relationship includes sex whenever he wants it. Just meaningless and empty sex. Keep your whining and complaining to yourself. Guys get most of the benefit. Girls end up having feelings for the guy and end up getting hurt.
I have answered many of their sad posts about how badly the feel for having sex so young and with the wrong guys. They feel dirty and used. The guy just leaves them for other girls. Sometimes the say horrid things to these poor girls.
Why do you need so much confidence about sex at only 16? You haven't even had a meaningful relationship and your about to lose your virginity without a clue what you're doing.
Seriously?!!!
You couldn't get a decent job to support a child if you end up getting pregnant.
You could get infected with a venereal disease that might be fatal. Ever heard of HIV? AIDS? It is not a gay disease.
Anyone can get it. People having sex with partners who could be having risky sex with others; put their own lives and health at risk. You aren't around to see what your FWB is doing, or who he's doing it with.
You've haven't finished your education, your parents would probably lock you in your room; if they knew what you were up to, and boys will see you as easy and spread terrible rumors. You apparently don't respect the rules your parents teach you. You'd rather listen to some boy and things he's telling you,just to easily have sex with you.
You might think the boy you're with is all nice and everything now. If he gets angry at you, there is no telling what he will tell other people about you. He might get jealous about the other boys you're with, and tell them awful things about you.
Do the things normal and sensible young ladies do. Be with nice guys. Have fun. Date and hangout with guys who really like you, not just want sex. Allow yourself to grow up; and not ruin your young mind doing too much too soon.
There's your answer. Now think about it.
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A
male
reader, Gauntlet  +, writes (8 February 2014):
 If you both genuinely "have a certain amount of respect for each other" then it's time to throw away that stupid way to like each other and to become boyfriend/girlfriend. Friend With Benefit is only the new name of "sex friends" that had the merit to point out the reality of this sort of relation: to scratch an itch. Is that what you want to be both of you, itch scratchers ?
I feel you deserve better than that, and maybe with a little more courage... it's at hand !
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