A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi everyone.I have a question about how to handle a guy I'm sort of seeing. It is really confusing and I think there are a number of reasons why. I met him through a friend just over a month ago. We hit it off right away, got a bit drunk, and ended up making out that night. I initially thought he just wanted sex but now I'm not sure. I text him and we ended up going on another couple dates. Since then we've slept together twice, had unbelievable chemistry and comfort with each other. But here is what I don't get with him.... He obviously shows interest in me by texting me sometimes to see if I'm going to parties or whatever, but when I ask him so when will I see you again, he says well I'm not sure I'm very busy but soon. He once told me that he's spontaneous and likes to just make plans with someone on the day of. I also know he's extremely busy with school, volunteers and so on.... I thought I shouldn't text him and get him confused for a change but I don't know what to do. I think he could also be afraid cuz of his last relationship he mentioned. What do you think?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2014): I think you're being a bit harsh here.Sorry, but maybe I left some information out that has happened recently. I've not even been seeing him for a month. Yes if he really was interested in me, and should want to schedule a date with me, and sometimes he does but sometimes he has a lot going on too. For instance last night, we met at a bar and it almost seemed like he was there waiting for me…..he was there with our mutual friends. He greeted me, hugged me and introduced me to his friends. When it came time to go, he was ready to go home by taxi cuz he was feeling drunk. I was the one to convince him to come back with me. He stayed the night - didn't leave right after like some men would. I think he was hurt in his previous relationship so doesn't want to jump into anything too quickly…and neither do I. I will reach to the point in a couple of weeks where if things are still going well, I'll talk to him about what's going on. I think I'm going to wait and see what happens in the next couple of weeks….I think I'm pretty good at seeing whether I'm being played or not. My ex was an expert in the area!! And this one is far from that….
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (8 February 2014):
 Honestly ?
I think he's bullshitting you big time. . I think that he is not THAT into you. Well, he likes you of course, enough to sleep with you twice in a month if he's got nothing better on his plate - actually , to SEE you twice in a month, because , you are right, it's not always all necessarily about sex, it may be also about comfort, camaraderie, companionship . But he does not like you enough to MAKE any time for you, and that, to me, is quite telling.
Spontaneous ? Pfui. Very busy people are exactly the people who are not spontaneous, they can't afford to be spontaneous, because they have to honour their committments and they are used to budget their time.
He is not spontaneous when he goes to school, he does not just show up in class spur of the moment, he knows when he has to be there. Ditto for volunteering, he does not show up to his volunteering assignment when he feels like it... and maybe the place is CLOSED. Why would it have to be so difficult to carve a couple of hours ( or more , hopefullt ) for you from his busy schedule ( which I bet he knows well in advance ) and RESERVE for you that time, that Tuesday night or Saturday afternoon etc. ?
Spontaneous means that he wants to wait last minute to see if there's anything better on offer , and then, as last resort, he'll come out with you. And'll have a good time, I don't doubt it, because I am sure that he enjoys both the physical chemistry AND the companionship . Just , not enough to make it anything more than veeery casual .
He does not know what he wants yet ? Perhaps, but he knows what he does not want : dating you. DATING is the way to get to know somebody, and figure out if it may lead somewhere . Not just showing up randomly if there's nobody else with whom to have a drink with. In this way, all stays maybe pleasant, maybe enjoyable , but always superficial and never leading anywhere new.
It's up to you to decide if you are comfortable with this scenario. It's not becessarily a negative one, if you are not looking for a relationship, and there are no strong emotions involved. It may be a cool passtime, a distraction, a nice time. But if you want more....
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2014): I honestly don't think he knows what he wants yet….I think he wants to get to know me, and see if it leads anywhere….that's what I'm gathering anyway.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2014): Hi,
Spontaneous might just be another word for friends with benefits, casual relationship or anything else. Think you need to sort out what you want from him, casual relationship / boyfriend, and then ask him what he wants then work it out from there. Don't get into playing games by tx, as the only one your likely to confuse is yourself and at the moment think you need just to be brave and ask, then see if your comfortable with what he's offering.
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