A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Note: I've changed names for privacy here.I've got a husband and a 7-year-old daughter.Last night my husband told me over dinner that he had a huge confession; he had a daughter, but left his girlfriend Kimberley and his daughter when she was 18 months old in April 2007, and hasn't seen her since then. He just upped and left.He told me he'd contacted Kimberley via her professional website, according to LinkedIn, Kimberley is an attorney in copyright law now, works on a freelance basis rather than a law firm, firms hire her, and asked about his daughter... and she's now demanding child support. I should add, just because she's an attorney, doesn't mean she knows about child support, she's an expert in copyright law.He's shown me an email from Kimberley saying her daughter's asking who her dad is and that she really wants to meet him (Kimberley's a single mom, but a wealthy-ish single mom due to her profession, so not the usual stereotype of single mom on welfare...).In terms of our social standing, we're fairly wealthy, beyond middle-class, but not as wealthy as an A-lister celebrity or Hollywood actor! (although, at the time in 2003-2006 when my husband dated Kimberley, he was not wealthy, but she was very wealthy, so there was quite a big difference in backgrounds and wealth).He explained he'd never told me any of this out of both guilt and embarrassment over the whole situation, and that he'd created a webmail account specifically for this whole situation.He told me that at the time he wasn't a bad guy, but didn't really want to be a dad, had an addiction to donuts, burgers and Doritos (not a joke usage of the word addiction, to him it was as real as addiction to drugs or alcohol) and he was trying to undergo some self-improvement (long before the days of Instagram and self-improvement slogan memes) and I helped him change, partially. He also said he had low self-esteem at the time and was the victim of bullying for being half-Indian (as in India the country) and half-African-American, and the racism was quite severe, more than just insults; he was fired from a donut shop because the boss didn't like the color of his skin (this was in 2006!)I didn't meet my husband until August 2007, and we got engaged in November 2010, married at Christmas in 2013.We have a daughter born in March 2014.I really love my husband, and to be fair, he is a good man.I don't know what to do about this, now I know why he was being so secretive on the computer, at first I was paranoid it was either porn or an affair, but the truth is much more shocking.He has asked me for advice on what to do next and worries his daughter may be abusive or hateful to him for just leaving her when he was 18 months old, and he's also asked me "How can I explain to her I couldn't be the dad she wanted to be, I had poor self-esteem and was trying to undergo self-improvement and that I had to just leave?".I want to be supportive, but I know the full facts, he's shown me every single email from this throwaway email account, so at least it's not a "get-back-with-the-ex via email" thing.He's asking me to be involved in every single stage of this, every step of the way.What should I do? Please give me some constructive advice so I know what to do next.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 May 2021): He's a good man? He abandoned his 18 month old daughter because of his donut addiction? No he didnt want to be a father. And in the subsequent 11 years was never man enough to step up to his responsibilities not even financially.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 May 2021): So sorry but you have a marriage built on lies.What else has he not disclosed?Be wary.Also be wary that is was so easy to dump his child because your child might be dumped next....once a dog always a dog.Sorry.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 May 2021): My bio-father had me after he had left his wife with whom he had 2 kids.
He never officially recognized me, and my mom had never asked him too. But he never denied tat he was indeed my biological father.
The thing is, your husband IS responsible for the well-being of that child. And he should pay up and you should get a lawyer.
I would also go and see a therapist (he should too). It can make a huge difference. I understand that your husband had some reasons for not being able to personally take care of his kid, BUT what on Earth could have prevented him from being financially responsible?!
Money isn't everything, but it shows that a parent is thinking of his/her child and accepting his responsibilities.
Let's look at the facts:
- your husband left his kid
- your husband lied to you for years
- your husband contacted his ex before bringing you up to speed and hearing your opinion
How do YOU feel about this?
How do you feel about him contacting his ex without coming clean beforehand?
How do you feel about a man who left his family just like that?
How do you feel about a man who manipulates you by hiding vital information?
I know I don't have all the info, but I got the impression that he does what he wants, when he wants, regardless of the people in his life.
So what if his older daughter hates him? She has the right to. And him being scared shows how selfish he is. He should embrace it, take on the responsibility for it and give her whatever SHE needs. If she needs to hate him, scream at him, slam the door in his face...
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (19 May 2021):
 I can understand your hurt, HE should have told you this BEFORE marrying you. HE knew BEFORE. It's rather underhanded of him to not only abandon his first kid and GF but omitting to you that he HAS a child? I find that really scummy.
If he is on the birth certificate for the other child and has acknowledged that HE is the father - he DOES owe his daughter support - monetarily at the VERY least.
Can she ask for back-owed child support? I don't know, I'm not a legal expert.
Should he just send her money? No, he should talk to a lawyer. ASAP.
Should he meet with his daughter? Yes. Even if she is mad at him and might say "hurtful" things to him. After all, HE abandoned an 18 months old child.
"How can I explain to her I couldn't be the dad she wanted to be, I had poor self-esteem and was trying to undergo self-improvement and that I had to just leave?".
JUST like that ^^
That he felt he couldn't be the dad SHE deserved.
Can he be a dad to her now? Because if he can't or doesn't want to put in the effort to SEE this child, maybe it's better for the child to not meet him at all.
I know this is quite a "mental & emotional hand-grenade" he just dropped in your lap. You need to figure out HOW to move forward.
I would honestly, rather have a new STEP daughter than my husband cheating on me. But that is me, personally.
This can be good. For your family too. Your child has a half-sibling. At some point that could be good got both kids.
I would NOT introduce the kids to each other just yet. Your husband needs to get his LEGAL ducks in a row - probably also a legalized visitation and child support schedule set up first. AND have some supervised visits with his daughter ( probably with either a neutral 3rd person or a family member from her mother's side).
You ask WHAT should I do?
Well, what DO you want to do? How do you feel about all this? It's a BIG event that will change your lives going forward, no doubt. Hopefully for the better.
Perhaps some family counseling for you and your husband?
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