A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I have been with my wife for 30 years and married for 25. My wife hasn’t had sex with me in 22 years and barely had sex with me even before that except for the first few years we dated. Over time her reasons have changed and I have just given up on that aspect of our marriage. However, I still have desires that are gong unfulfilled. About a year ago I went for a massage and the young woman finished up with a happy ending which wasn’t something I was expecting but which I enjoyed. It made me realize how much I miss having a sex life.I haven’t been back since but it has been on my mind that there are women out there that can fulfill that desire. I don’t want to go sneaking around behind my wife’s back so I was thinking of asking for her permission. Is that a bad idea? She knows I am unhappy with this aspect of our life together and won’t do anything about it. I know I might be risking a bad reaction but is that better than sneaking around and getting caught? I realize both risk her ending the marriage but is it better to be honest about this?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 June 2023): Wife is happy for you to find someone else because it means she passes the buck to another woman and leaves her free to not bother. But both of you are forgetting something... you are an old man. You are also a married man. When women are looking to have an affair they usually want a man who is younger, good looking, single (because the single man can stay all night, spend weekends, go on holidays, be available as often and when it suits her - none of this crap about how you can only fit in one hour next week).... and the single man will also take her out for meals and fun places. Women don't think much of a man who wants to just turn up, have sex and rush home to wife! Or did you expect this woman to find another man to take her out and spend money and time on her but fit you in too just so that you can have some sex without paying a prostitute for it? Why would any woman bother to do that? Over the years I've had plenty of men wanting me, and I am no oil painting nor slim feminine woman. I don't wear make up, I wear glasses, have short hair and always wear trousers. Yet I still get loads of men trying it on. Half single and half married. Which ones do you think I would choose? The ones who are after saving money on a prostitute and rushing off quick and then expecting me to wait ages for the next time? Or the ones who are romantic, loving, bonded, like a good friend, caring, who take me out, buy me flowers and spend the whole weekend? The truth is if I had wanted to go with any of them I could have charged, and I would have chosen the nice ones where we enjoy each other's company and I don't feel like a blow up doll that is just being used to get an orgasm. Your wife must think women are very desperate and stupid.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 June 2023): I am the original poster.Why not just divorce and be over with it?A few reasons but the main ones are :1. We get along well as partners, enjoy each other’s company, etc2. I am afraid that if I leave her I will be alone 3. As much as I miss sex, I don’t think absence of sex is enough of a reason in itself given #1 and #2 aboveDespite this, I am starting to think that it is not absence of sex that is bothering me as much as my wife’s refusal to do anything about it. Asking her to take some action would I suppose absolve me of having to make a difficult decision for myself. I half suspect she may be using the same reasoning I am in that refusal to have sex is her way of forcing me to make a decision she can’t or won’t make. However, if that is the case then maybe sex outside of marriage is a compromise we can both tolerate - if asking the question doesn’t lead to an immediate divorce.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2023): ..But why not just calling it quits and divorcing ? Why holding on to a marriage which has not been a real marriage for the past 22 years ??
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A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (20 June 2023):
 Yes you are thinking the right way. If your wife can't won't provide you with intimacy then its time to talk about alternatives. If you have went 22 years without sex and never cheated then you are a saint in my book. It isn't fair to be in a such a marriage especially if one of you still wants sex! This is really sad to hear. Life is so short. You don't say why you stay, I'm assuming that you love her? To make the sacrifice that you are making though isn't fair to you. Yes be honest. Then at least you will have a clear conscious in regards to what you do.
I married a man 10 years older than me and we were very happy for about 13 years but then he started having problems in the bedroom. He absolutely refused to acknowledge them or to seek out any kind of medical help, he just expected me to be like a "room mate". I was only in my 40's. I tried for 2 years to just be a "room mate" but I couuldn't do it. I warned him how unhappy I was but he wouldn't listen. He had also began drinking very heavily and in the end, it was just too much. I divorced him even though I really had loved him so much. I remarried to someone that was much more compatible to me. EVERYONE deserves to be happy! Good luck...I truly believe its better for you to be honest than to have to sneak around. If she doesn't want to have sex with you she has no right to deny you sexual pleasure.
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